Question

I want to start by saying that I am not a gold-digger. I am a 47-year-old divorced woman with two wonderful children. I have a great job and enjoy many hobbies. I love to laugh, go out, have fun, and enjoy life, but I’m always there for people in need no matter the hour of the day.

But I must be honest: I am looking for a man with a high standard of living, who is himself on a high level–meaning intelligent, classy, fun, up-to-date, humorous, etc. Age isn’t an issue at all. He can be a lot older than me, as long he is active. I look for a good person, but also for financial security. Sort of an “all in.”

Don’t get me wrong, please! I want to love and take good care of my husband, iy’H,in all ways. I am, baruchHashem, a great balabuste, speak seven languages, have a university degree, etc. What is so wrong with what I am looking for? Why do people say that I am a gold-digger?

Response

By Baila Sebrow

Let’s hold off on the digging-for-gold issue and focus a bit on the bigger picture. You have a misconception not just about men, but people in general. You appear to be fixated on the notion that wealth is synonymous with intelligence. As an educated woman, how could you have such a perception? We all know people who, while smart, may lack money. By the same token, there are those who make up in money for what they lack in intelligence. So, for your own sake, please do not lump brains and money into one big package.

One does not have to make excuses for wanting financial stability. That is a basic human need. You are honest and upfront for disclosing your shidduch requirements. It does not make you a bad person for saying you want to be taken care of. The problem is the way you are presenting yourself to the world.

For the most part, women who seek remarriage embark on that mission differently than those who have never been married. Many will specifically state qualities that were lacking in their first husband. It oftentimes sounds like they are trying to create a person who possesses every trait they desire. Realistically, that is impossible. No individual is perfect in that way. And if someone does come across as the perfect guy–as too good to be true–then you can safely bet that he is. People who are deficient in good character traits frequently present themselves as flawless.

Those in the dating process for the second time around know that the system is fraught with much more difficulty than when they previously dated. They are coming from a situation where they had a marriage that did not work out. Any circumstance that leaves a person shell-shocked automatically places one in a vulnerable position. And those who are vulnerable are also fearful, so as much as they do not want to be alone, they are also afraid of failure.

People who get divorced do so because there was a disappointment in their marriage. The reasons are varied, but the outcome is the same. Because a divorced person knows what it is like to be in a committed relationship and what works for them, they commonly seek to replace that former spouse with an “improved” version. They will take the good qualities the person possessed, remove the bad, and add those that their spouse was deficient in. Like Build-a-Bear in human form.

You are seeking a prepackaged human man perfectly tailored to your needs. Reread what you wrote in describing what you want in a man. You will then understand what I am talking about.

I don’t know what went wrong in your first marriage, but looking for traits that are the opposite of those of your ex can lead to disenchantment. That is one of the reasons why a second-time marriage can fail.

It sounds like your first husband might have been a serious and strong-minded person. Now that you are in the market for a new husband, you want someone who is fun. I get the feeling that some of the traits you’re seeking differ from those of your first husband. It is not easy to forgo such depictions in your head, but once you are aware of it, you will be able to direct your focus on the type of person who has the potential to realistically make you happy.

Contrary to what you feel others assume about you, I do not believe that you are a gold-digger. You understand that love alone does not pay the bills. In a blended family, the financial needs are increased more so than when two people with no prior commitments get married. When two families live together under the same roof, food bills and other necessary expenses are higher.

You convey having a sense of responsibility in that you are currently employed. That should also alleviate any distress a man might have about being able to afford your lifestyle. At the same time, you want to make sure that any guy you marry will not be dependent on your paycheck to satisfy basic needs, which is why you have every right to state that you want to date a man who has a good parnassah. Furthermore, your pursuit of hobbies creates the impression that you are not just an interesting person, but one who is not the “clingy” type of woman. That too should be strongly stressed, as it indicates you will be happy with a man who makes time to enjoy life.

Finding the time to help others shows that you are an asset to your community. You need a man who is deserving of all that you have to offer. But up to this point you have not been going about it in the right way. Debunking the rumors about you is key to portraying yourself as a desirable shidduch candidate. It starts with the way you describe the type of guy you want to date. The fact that you are open-minded about dating a much older guy than yourself is great. But verbalizing it while stressing your financial requirements gives the impression that you are only interested in money–as in a woman who is looking for a “sugar daddy.”

Instead of saying that you want financial security, or a man who lives on a high standard, say that you want someone financially compatible with you. State that because you are lucky to be blessed with so much, you want to share that lifestyle with someone who will appreciate you. Talk about how giving tzedakah is significant to you. In addition, say that you believe it is important to respect the person you are married to. Assert that you seek an accomplished man who not only has the means to enjoy life in a healthy and respectable way, but who will feel comfortable in taking the time to smell the roses. No one can fault you for that, or brand you as a gold-digger.

At the same time, you also want to make sure that the man you meet is intelligent. It is OK to articulate your need for someone who has class and with whom you can have good conversations. People place much value on such sentiments. Your objective and the impression you want to impart to those you network with for shidduchim is that you are seeking someone who is your equal. In life, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it that achieves maximum positive results.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. v

Questions and comments can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

 

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