I have a problem that most girls wish they had, but no one understands how crazy this is making me. I like two guys, who both want to marry me. I have been officially dating one of them for a few months. The other is my friend’s cousin whom I see often and spend a lot of time with.
Each of the guys knows that the other exists. They are urging me to make a decision, but I don’t know which guy to choose.
The funny thing is that before all this happened, I had a hard time getting dates, and even when I did, most guys did not want to go out with me a second time. That is why I have no clue how to solve this problem.
Everyone laughs at what I am going through right now. My parents think I should choose my friend’s cousin because he is going to be a doctor and they feel I will have more financial stability in the future. I am getting mixed reviews about the other guy.
I know I can’t have both guys, and I need to choose fast before one of them backs out. How can I know which guy will be better for me?
By Baila Sebrow
Although there are those who might declare your dilemma frivolous, the truth is that you are in distress. Only people who have found themselves in similar predicaments can understand that your current lot is not an easy one—regardless of any funny remarks someone might make about it. The fact that you are reaching out to various people demonstrates the extent to which you are lacking peace of mind.
It would be great if everything in life had perfect timing. How lovely if you were to have met one of these two guys during those dry spells when you did not have any dates, or when you were experiencing rejections after first dates. But as the saying goes, “when it rains, it pours.”
From the way you are describing your relationships, it appears that these guys do not seem too bothered about being the contestants for your heart. I find it peculiar that the guy whom you are “officially” dating is complacent about the relationship you are having with your friend’s cousin.
You say you’ve been dating this guy for a few months now, and all he casually asks of you is to choose the lucky winner. As in “Eenie, meenie, miney, mo”? That does not sound right to me. Forgive me, but I think he is getting a thrill out of dating a girl who is desired by another guy as well.
Which does not say much about your friend’s cousin whom you have also been seeing. This guy is aware that you have an ongoing dating relationship, and instead of honorably stepping back, he too is hoping to win your heart.
My instinctive reaction would be to tell you to forget both guys and move on to a normal dating situation. But it is not that simple. While it might feel to you that your heart is torn in two directions, my opinion is that you are more concerned right now about not having a guy in your life.
Like many other girls, you have experienced unpleasant dating situations. Yet now you are in the position of actually having two guys vying for your hand in marriage. I believe that this triangle is in some way creating a subconscious “ha ha” situation for you. It would be quite natural to feel as though you are being vindicated for past hurts. Dating these days has become so difficult that oftentimes girls just jump into seemingly hopeful situations. Sadly, they usually have the potential to accomplish more harm than good. And that is exactly my concern.
I can understand why your parents feel you should choose your friend’s cousin. They are looking out for your future from a different angle. No disrespect to them, but I am not worried about who is going to offer you more financial stability. Under the circumstances, the focus here needs to be on who will offer you more emotional stability.
You do not indicate which of these two guys you met first. But I believe that each of them possesses something that the other does not. It is each guy’s unique positive qualities that you are drawn to. At the same time, I am sure each guy also possesses negative traits that the other somehow makes up for. And so, together as one package, these two relationships work. I wonder if you would have even considered either of them for marriage had they not both been in your life.
You need to pursue a plan of action such that when everything is said and done, you will have no regrets and will be at peace with yourself. There is no way that you can choose either of these guys while you are dating one and spending time with the other.
When viewing these guys, I do not think you should differentiate so strongly based on whom you are “dating” and whom you are “spending time with,” since apparently you have spent enough time with both to consider them serious candidates for marriage.
The first thing you need to reflect on is why you are getting mixed reviews about the guy you have been dating. Is there something about his personality that is ticking others off? Or do people detect that he may not be treating you as he should be? Be cognizant that it is also possible that the mixed reviews are a result of this guy’s career choice. He might not appear as appealing to your family and friends as the guy who is planning to become a doctor. But please focus on the human aspect of his character first and foremost.
For the time being, avoid seeing your friend’s cousin. Tell him that in order for you to think clearly, you need to see where the relationship with the guy you are dating is headed. Stress that doing so will result in the fairest choice. At the same time, be open with the guy whom you are dating as to your plan of action. It might be that upon hearing of this new route, one of them might get turned off and walk away. In that case, your problem of having to choose between two guys will no longer exist.
On the other hand, you might be dealing with another issue. It is possible that while you are spending your time exclusively with the guy you have been officially dating, your friend’s cousin might feel more inclined to intensify his chase, which will end up confusing you even more. If such a scenario occurs, that in itself should raise a red flag. Any guy who respects you and is serious about having a permanent relationship with you would actually appreciate this approach.
If you find that the guy you have been dating till now is someone whom you would choose to marry, do not go running to meet up with your friend’s cousin, lest you end up going back to square one. However, if you are not entirely sure about him, it would be healthiest and in your best interest to end that relationship. At that point, you can feel free to date your friend’s cousin in an official capacity, and then decide if he is right for you.
I believe that when you have the opportunity to really get to know each of these guys as individuals, rather than as extensions of each other, it will open your eyes to which one—if either of them—would be the husband that you have envisioned for yourself.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
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