After months of serious dating, the guy I was seeing started acting cold.
My friends had warned me that I might scare him off one day. I am a very expressive person and not afraid to text a guy after a date to let him know that I had a great time. If I knew he was having a hard day at work, I’d call to let him know that I was thinking of him. Sometimes I surprised him at work by sending him lunch. He always seemed happy about that.
After our last date, however, he told one of my friends, who had introduced us to each other, that he did not want to continue dating me anymore.
I am so heartbroken because we have been talking about getting married. Everyone is telling me to move on, but I can’t. How can I get this guy to reconsider getting back together?
By Baila Sebrow
It sounds like you are going through a traumatic period in your life. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being in a dire situation and being unable to make it better. Worse still, you are blaming yourself for the breakup, which may not even have had anything to do with your demeanor while you were dating.
However, because you are so eager to reconcile with this guy, we need to first look at it from more than one perspective. You might have to consider the possibility that he felt overwhelmed in the relationship. As you state, you come across as an expressive person, and some people, especially those who are more reserved, can find such personality types to be suffocating.
Moreover, he also might have felt that you were being too clingy. And clinginess, even in general friendships, can be a turnoff. People need their space. There are those who are under the impression that if someone is having a bad day, they need to call that person all the time to show concern and love. But not everyone wants that.
Even in situations where the girl is not very expressive, it is she who will typically demonstrate her caring thoughts more easily than guys. Some guys tend to view relationships in an idealistic manner, and so, for the most part, they might give an impression of aloofness. That does not mean that they care or feel any less about the relationship than the girl, but their mannerism and attitude can be different. Of course, there are also guys who are more demonstrative of their feelings, but in our society that is not frequently seen in dating relationships.
There are guys who actually appreciate the mushy letters and endearing calls. And most guys would be more than happy to accept a surprise lunch here and there. They feel flattered by the attention and motherly approach. However, others may not be so pleased with it and find it to be a bit much. I wonder if during the time you dated, this guy ever communicated to you that he felt irritated by your overtures. Furthermore, if he actually did, would that have stopped you?
You also need to consider the possibility that your expressive ways may have absolutely nothing to do with why he broke up with you. Even though your friends are convinced that you scared him off, they could be wrong. When you noticed that he was starting to act cold toward you, it could have been for another reason.
The bottom line right now is that you want this guy back. That being the case, you would first need to find out why he broke up with you. Frankly speaking, reaching out to your friend who introduced the two of you to relay the message about the breakup was a cowardly act on his part. This guy has been dating you for a long time, discussed marriage, but when he felt the need to end this relationship, he couldn’t do it nicely and discuss things with you in a mature way? His behavior leaves much to be desired. But since he decided to go that route, make use of that same strategy and have this friend find out why he chose to break up with you now.
Fighting to get someone back in your life is usually more difficult than finding that person in the first place. This guy made the decision to end a seemingly progressing relationship, and you might have to face the possibility that there is someone else in his life now. This guy might be dating another girl, and if so, as painful as it can be, you will have no choice but to take the advice of your friends and move on.
If he is still available, it will be in your best interest to privately reflect on the relationship and think about when you first started to feel that he was acting cold towards you. Think back to that period and what might have gone wrong and how you would change it if you had the chance to get back together.
You should also realize that it is natural to idealize and put the person who is no longer in our lives on a pedestal. Things that previously seemed negative can suddenly make him into a hero in your mind. Be cognizant during your reflections to be completely honest with yourself.
Bearing all aspects in mind, reach out to him with a phone call. Resist the urge to get emotional. Do not call him if you feel that you might cry; call only when you feel calm and collected. In the initial conversation, it is important to keep it light. See how he reacts to you. Be perceptive to his responses. If he responds with very short answers such as “yes,” “no,” or “I don’t know,” then he is not ready for a reconciliation. If anything positive will ever result, it cannot happen overnight. Be sure to keep the conversation short and end on a positive note.
After you speak to him, seek feedback from the friend who initially introduced you. If she comes back to you with an answer that he did not appreciate the call, you need to respect that. If he did welcome it, then ask her to encourage the guy to contact you another time.
However any future conversations play out, you need to accept that something ticked him off to have once caused the relationship to end. Those are issues that need addressing. If you do continue to talk to each other, that will be an indication that he either missed you, or he realized after speaking to you that he may consider giving the relationship another try.
Sometimes, a guy misses the girl who was very attentive to him after not having her for a while. There are times people take things for granted and do not realize what they had until it is no longer there. He might actually miss you, but he may have needed this space that he felt he was not getting while you dated.
If things do work out between the two of you, go a little easier in your expressiveness. Ask him to tell you if you are starting to become overbearing. Those who break up and get back together find that they have an even deeper connection to one another. It comes from appreciating each other and improving on those areas that require it. But even more so, the issues that bother them have already been resolved by the time they start over again. Hopefully this will all work out to your benefit. But if it does not, at least you will know that you tried, and that in itself will make it less painful to move forward in life.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. v
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