By Mordechai Schmutter

A lot of us don’t spend enough time thinking about bear safety, because we have jobs. We take steps to protect ourselves from insects, but what about bears? They’re bigger.

Most of us get our bear safety advice from stories, such as the famous tale of Zahava “Goldie” Locks, who encountered three bears while in their home, and it did not end well. On the other hand, you have to “bear” in mind (oy) that Goldie was technically breaking and entering. She’s not the good guy here.

But the bear-safety lesson we learn from this story is that if you walk into someone’s house and they have legitimately hot porridge on the table, they’re probably coming back. At least don’t go to sleep.

Not that the bears were totally without fault. If you walk into your bedroom and see a home invader passed out on your child’s bed, the first words out of your mouth should not be “Someone messed up my pillow arrangement.”

The story of Goldilocks isn’t real. You can tell, because it raises all kinds of questions: When a real bear makes porridge, you think he just leaves it on the table and walks out of the house? Also, I always heard the bears left the house so the porridge would cool, but apparently only one of them liked it cool. Another one liked it piping hot. Why did he go for this walk?

Bears–they’re just like us. Even if you serve everyone the same food, one person will like it hot, one person will like it cold, and one person will like it just right. Shouldn’t everyone like it just right?

“I don’t want it just right. I want it cold.”

How are the porridges different temperatures if she made them at the same time?

So maybe we got the story wrong. Maybe they weren’t trying to cool it. Maybe it was Shabbos erev yom tov, and the bears were doing that thing where you bentch after the liver and then take a walk and come back and wash for cholent. What do you suppose porridge is?

Point is, you might think that you’re safe from bears because, in general, you don’t venture into strange cottages in the woods and comment on the food. But in real life, the bears come to you.

Take the news story titled “Bears Suspected in New Hampshire Car Break-Ins.” I’m not sure how the bears are breaking into cars. How are they getting their hands on coat hangers?

Bear Safety Tip: Never put coat hangers in the garbage.

I love how they say, “Bears suspected.” No one saw the bears do it. It’s weird that the first thing that comes to the cops’ minds is, “You know what? I bet it was those bears!” Sounds to me like the cops did it.

Police say the likely culprit was a black bear looking for food. He should probably try looking under the car seats. (“Mm, Cheerios. Are those honey-nut?”)

Police also said that bears these days are smart enough to open an unlocked car door. And apparently they’re also smart enough to walk up and down the block and try all the car doors until they find one that’s unlocked.

There was also a story of a bear in Canada who stuck its head into a birdseed jar and couldn’t get it out, so it was just walking around blindly crashing into things (“Oops. Soory. Soory.”) until it crashed into a cop car. Canadian cops don’t carry guns, as far as we can tell, but they do carry cell phones, which they used to call what the article refers to as a “bear technician.”

A bear technician. It sounds like someone you call when you’re bear isn’t functioning the way you want it to.

Hello, bear technician? My bear keeps crashing into things. I think it’s because he has a container on his head, but I’m no bear technician.”

Bear Safety Tip: How come no one’s asking what happened to the birds?

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Boy, there have been a lot of bears in the news!” And you’re right. Bear sightings were so high that some states expanded bear-hunting season, so we can reduce the number of dangerous human—bear encounters to just the smart bears that know how to dodge bullets.

There are other ways to stop bears, but many of them are not advised. For example, police in New Hampshire issued a warning against using chocolate to catch bears. Apparently this became an issue after four bears were found dead within 50 feet of where a hunter had put down, quote, “90 pounds of chocolate and doughnuts.” The medical examiner ruled that they died from a chocolate overdose.

Anyway, this is how black bears become brown bears.

I’m not sure I understand the story, though. The state wants to ban using chocolate, because chocolate could kill bears. But aren’t these hunters trying to kill bears? I think chocolate is the more humane way to go: Death by chocolate.

There are also other ways we’re not supposed to fend off bears. For example, police in Massachusetts offered an important public reminder: “Getting drunk and chasing bears through the woods with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised.”

If you think that’s an oddly specific warning, it is. Someone actually did that. Near a school. Hence the dull hatchet. You don’t want a sharp hatchet near school property. What if a kid finds it?

Police said the man had a few too many drinks and decided to protect the children. But they’re making it sound like he specifically got drunk to chase the bear. I don’t think so. I don’t think it was like, “There’s a bear! Quick! Give me some . . . beer!” I think he happened to be drunk, because there’s not a whole lot to do in Massachusetts, and he was like, “Oh, no! There’s a bear! Near a school! That’s dangerous! All the slow children!”

So a lot of readers are wondering, “Well, if you’re not supposed to feed the bears chocolate, or get drunk and chase them with dull hatchets, then what on earth are you supposed to do?”

I guess you can take them down with a smartphone.

Take the story of a man in Canada who was attacked by a polar bear. I should point out here that this is our second Canadian bear story. I’m actually going to Canada for a chasunah right after Tishah B’Av. Are polar bears a problem there? I’m going to be in Toronto.

The bear grabbed him and pinned him against the door of a bakery. So the man took out his phone, turned it on, and apparently the screen distracted the bear long enough for the guy to get away. Then the bear walked into a telephone pole while texting.

Bear Safety Tip: Always bring your cell phone.

Or take the story of a man in Russia who was looking through a trash heap for scrap metal, and guess who else he found going through the trash heap? A bear. Bears are notorious dumpster divers. They could easily steal your ID. How do you think three bears could afford a house? You think they’re accountants?

Bear Safety Tip: Always shred important papers before recycling.

So the man picked up an old computer and heaved it at the bear. And, if you remember old computers, they were huge machines that sat on your desk and made annoying fan noises to cool themselves off while you sat there and wondered what work they were possibly cooling themselves off from. As far as you could tell, cooling themselves off seemed to be their main function.

Anyway, this guy found a second function. The computer didn’t actually hit the bear, but the bear ran away. Maybe it was afraid of the dangers of the Internet. The guy sustained an injury. He threw out his shoulder tossing the computer.

But Americans can be tough too. Take the story of 73-year-old Carl Moore of California, who noticed that a bear was attacking his tiny annoying dog. So he walked up, slowly, and punched the bear in the face. Hard. And the bear ran away, looking for its momma bear.

Bears–they’re just like us. You can punch them in the face.

So it’s the bears that need safety tips about humans. Maybe I should write an article for bears, full of tips on how to deal with Russians, the elderly, chocolate, drunk people, the Internet, and the dangers of locking oneself in one’s car.

We’re going to start with a lesson about locking doors. v

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of five books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.

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