By Baila Sebrow

Question

I am dating for the second time around. The guy I’m seeing is everything that my ex-husband was not. He is kind, generous, and a wonderful person all around. The problem is that my 14-year-old son hates him. There really is no reason for it. I watch how this guy treats him, and I have to say that he is better to him than to his own children. He buys him gifts, takes him out to eat, and spends all his free time (when he is not with me) with him. One time he even canceled a day trip that he promised his children, so that he could do something special for my son. He is really doing everything possible.

My son is threatening that if I marry this guy, he will run away from home. I’m scared that he will run to my ex. I love my son, but I should not have to choose between my personal happiness and my son. I get mixed answers from people. My parents tell me that I am a mother first, and that my obligations are to my son, and to break up with this guy. My friends think that he’s just having a tantrum and will get over it. I’m not sure what to do about it.


Response

Before we tackle your personal dilemma, I want to home in on the comment you made about the guy being better to your son than to his own children. What exactly does that mean? A father has no business treating someone else’s child better than his own. If what you say is accurate, then I find that disconcerting. His placing your son’s needs ahead his own children–an aspect that you find so endearing–could be a red flag. And it is possible that your son is picking up on some negative vibes.

It may well be that in his desperation to be accepted by your son, this guy is trying much too hard to be accepted as the new father in the home. And he likely figures that his own children will forgive his poor treatment of them. On the other hand, I cannot imagine that they are OK with this new turn of disinterest in them and their needs. (Unless he has not been there for them all that much to begin with.)

I realize that you are very taken in by this guy. However, I strongly advise you to research the relationship he has with his children. That should give you an inkling about the type of person he is capable of being in a marriage.

Assuming that you decide to go ahead with this relationship regardless, there are factors that you will have to take into serious consideration. Second marriages in which families with young children are blended can be very complex. Such marriages sometimes fail specifically because there is an issue between a stepparent and a stepchild or stepchildren.

You need to understand that just because you like this guy and have decided to make him a permanent fixture in your life, that doesn’t mean your son is obligated to be on board with you. Put yourself in his place. From his perspective, this stranger–and to your son, that is exactly how he appears–is taking over the place of his flesh-and-blood father. Furthermore, if he ever harbored fantasies that you and his father will get back together, your relationship with this guy is rupturing that illusion. In some ways, this new reality in his life can be almost as traumatic as the divorce surely was. You do not say how long it has been since you got divorced, but I wonder if your son has had enough time to mourn the destruction of his home as he had known it from birth.

Even if the relationship with his own father may not be good, his father will still always be his father. Even if a stepparent is kinder than the biological parent, a child may still make excuses for his own parent and find fault with the stepparent.

I can understand your parents’ advice to break up with this guy. Living your life under the status quo may sound to them like the safe option for you and your son. And maybe they are not all that thrilled with him to begin with. Perhaps they don’t trust him, for whatever reason.

It is true that you need to be a mother to your son first, but that doesn’t mean you are not entitled to personal happiness. You have every right to share the joy of having a life partner. But you need to be certain that this major move will be good for you in the long run. The last thing you need in your life is to, G‑d forbid, get divorced for a second time. That said, the focus needs to be on how to make things amicable so that you and your son, and this guy and his children, can all live with this new adjustment in everyone’s life.

After you have ascertained how this guy treats his own children, you need to find out whether your son has cause for resenting him. Children sometimes have a sixth sense about things that they may not be able to verbally express. It might be a good idea to ask people who are capable of being objective to observe how this guy relates to your son and to see whether there is a real problem or if your son is just jealous that a new man is in your life. I would recommend that a third or even perhaps even a fourth objective party be there to help you make that distinction.

You don’t indicate what your ex-husband is doing now, and how he feels about your remarrying. However, it could be that he is putting negative thoughts into your son’s head. It would also be a good idea for someone who has a relationship with your ex-husband to probe that possibility.

Assuming that everything checks out, and this guy is a wonderful person capable of being a good husband and father, and that your son is just having a tantrum, you will then need to confront the issue of helping him with his adjustment. Tell your son that this guy is not trying to ever take the place of his father, and that you wish that things would have worked out differently, where you and his biological father could have lived as a family forever. But since that was not possible, you feel lonely and would like to remarry. Assure him that no one will ever take the place of your love for him, and that nothing and no person in the world could ever take even one tiny bit of love away that a mother has for her son–and that this guy in particular certainly would never want to do that.

Explain to your son what you like about this guy and that when you chose him it was not just for yourself, but for how good a stepfather he could be. Ask your son to give him a chance. Instead of separating families for activities, it would be a good idea for your son as well as this guy’s children to get together for a fun, easygoing activity. Eventually, try to include your son in any conversations involving his future, as opposed to telling him how things will be. Make him feel as though his opinion counts in your life and that of the guy you might marry. If you are all comfortable with family therapy, then that could also help in some way. But don’t force it either.

Even with all that you do, it may still be that your son will hate this guy. Hopefully, with time and his maturity increasing, your son will come to appreciate that the man he spent so much time hating is making his mother happy. There are many cases where such situations eventually turned out harmoniously. v

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

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