By Baila Sebrow

Question

I am dating a guy and it’s getting serious. We talk about marriage all the time. We broke up once, but this time it looks like we are going to get married. We broke up because I believe that he thinks I am not smart enough. He always tells me that he is right all the time, and that I am wrong. And when he can prove that he is right, he always says, “See? I’m always right, and you are always wrong.”

The other problem is that everything always has to be his way. For example, he likes me in certain outfits I wear. When I wear a different style, he tells me that it makes me look fat. When I cry because of what he says, he tells me that I’m not fat, and that it is just the outfit that makes me look fat. I discussed this with my friend, and she told me that it’s his way of getting me to wear what he wants.

When we go out, it has to be to a location or restaurant that he wants. He lets me order what I want, though.

I know that I am making him sound terrible. But he is otherwise very caring and attentive, and I could really see him as my husband. I also think he is going to be a great father.

How can I get him to understand that sometimes I like things to be my way? Do you think that after we get married, he will see what a good wife I am and will start to appreciate me?

Response

Oh, he will definitely see that you are a good wife. But from the way you describe his treatment of you, the answer to whether he will also appreciate you if you marry him is no! Why would you think that he will suddenly start to appreciate you once you get married if he does not appreciate you now? Marriage is not a cure for ill character and behavior. Those who subscribe to that fallacy live to regret it.

Despite his negative actions that you do admit, you still sing his praises. It further troubles me that you can see him as your husband and as a great father. Why do you think that might be? Do you feel that you or your future children (G‑d willing) don’t deserve better? I have a major news flash for you: you do not deserve to have anyone say or do anything that makes you feel inadequate. You are a human being worthy of respect and honor. No one–and I don’t care who the person is–has the right to put you down and make you feel unattractive or not smart enough.

This guy is probably very nice to you when he sees that he has knocked your self-esteem; it likely makes him feel powerful, and that’s when he acts attentive. I am sure there are many other examples that you have not written about. But let’s take the one where he tells you that a particular outfit makes you look fat. He brings you down to the point of making you cry, and then acts all caring by saying that it’s not you, it’s the outfit. This is the kind of scenario you can expect from him as a husband. And what makes you think that he won’t put his children down when he becomes a father?

It appears you care about him, and it is possible that he is nice to other people. I can also believe that he is capable of being nice to you when he gets his way. But you have to admit that this guy gives the impression of being unreasonably rigid even on a good day. What you wear and where you go out to eat must meet with his demands. I’m glad he at least lets you eat what you want! So far, that was the only positive point you conveyed with regard to the way he treats you.

It is common that even when a girl is concerned about characteristics of the guy she is dating, the fear that she may not find anyone else can cause her to ignore the red flags that are waving in her face. Instead, it becomes natural and normal for her to make excuses for him. Even when others may point out what is very obviously bad behavior on his part, the girl will still be on the guy’s side. This is frequently seen even amongst intelligent and attractive, put-together girls. So please do not think you are not smart or thin enough. When on a date with the guy who seems to have all that you are looking for on the exterior, and he likes you as much as you like him, the negative becomes clouded and oftentimes even justified to others.

Some women end up marrying guys like the one you are dating, and they discover that not only does his behavior deteriorate to a poorer quality, but that it is in fact impossible to live with a person who behaves like an authoritarian.

Your letter about your relationship is very disturbing. But I do see a tiny glimmer of hope. The very fact that you wrote in about your feelings is indicative that deep down you know that something is wrong. Moreover, you once broke up with him specifically because of the way he treats you. What made you go back to him? Did he promise to change his ways, and did you buy into his assurances? Or are you afraid of never finding someone else if you lose him? My intuition tells me that both reasons may be the answer as to why you gave this relationship a second chance. And it could be that you possess peacemaking tendencies and shy away from conflict. So even though there are women who may get into a huge fight if a guy treats them in ways that make them feel bad, you will find a way to make it seem irrelevant.

Make no mistake about this. He feeds into what he perceives as your weakness, and uses that to win his struggle for power. But you do resent that about him, and in this case that’s a good thing.

I understand your hope that there is some remedy to get this guy to understand your needs. It is not unusual to look for some way to make a relationship tolerable. However, the answer is no–you will never change his behavior.

You ask how you can get him to understand that you want to have things your way, too. No one should ever have to ask such a question. A healthy marital relationship is about give-and-take in a loving manner. There should be no winners or losers, or anyone who thinks they are smarter than their spouse.

I don’t know how this guy perceives a healthy relationship between a husband and wife. But one thing is certain–allowing this relationship to flourish the way it is now is asking for serious trouble. Unless you get professional intervention, it is my humble opinion that you should end things now.

If you feel you can convince this guy to go for therapy, then I would leave it in the hands of the therapist. But, from the way he acts, I doubt that he will even be open to such a suggestion. Not only that, but he may even talk you into believing that it is you who need therapy.

Even if there is a chance that he will go for counseling, it will take quite a bit to turn his behavior around, if that is at all possible. But most importantly, I also recommend that you seek the guidance of a therapist to help you recognize and identify the characteristics of a dysfunctional, harmful, or unhealthy relationship and how to break free from one.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

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