Question

My 19-year-old daughter is in college and has started with shidduchim. She is getting offers for dates, but the boys are much too old for her. For example, a 25-year-old guy is way too old for a 19-year-old girl. My daughter is not looking for a learning boy. She needs a frum but modern professional, or a boy who is at least pursuing a profession. Those in medical school or law school are the guys she gets along with.

There were a few boys in our neighborhood that we were interested in for our daughter. When we asked about them, we were told they were not dating yet. Meanwhile, not much later, we heard that these guys got engaged. What do you think that is about?

My friends who have daughters say that the younger guys get grabbed up very quickly. So how can we find a good 20- or 21-year-old guy for my daughter?

The other question I have is how it works money-wise. I know that learning boys get supported by the parents of the girls. But if a boy is in school on student loans, who is responsible to pay off the loans after they get married? The families that I know seem to take care of such boys when they marry into their family. We have what we need financially, but there is no way that we are willing to pay for someone else’s education. What happens in such cases?

The other thing we hear is that the families of boys who are good and planning on a profession want a rich girl for their sons. So what should people like us do?

Response

First we need to clarify your usage of “grabbed up.” What you and your friends need to understand is that there is no such thing as anyone–girl or boy–who gets “grabbed up.” People are not like garments in a one-day sale. What could have happened with the boys whom you had an eye on for your daughter is that they weren’t dating at the time you expressed interest, and when they did start you were not made aware of their change in status. Meanwhile, since they were serious about marriage and found compatibility, they became engaged not too long after.

The other possibility is that although you were told they weren’t available, the reality may have been that they did not feel they were shayach with your daughter. Please understand that I am only guessing here. I don’t know these boys, your daughter, or the circumstances in general. There could be myriad reasons why your daughter never got the opportunity to date those boys.

Your daughter’s dilemma is so common that it was for this reason the term “shidduch crisis” was coined. Whether a girl is searching for a learning boy, or one who seeks to go into a profession, the fact remains that for the most part, girls start dating at a younger age than guys. The pool of available boys for a 19-year-old girl who wants to date in her age range is usually small; unless she is willing to date a boy who is at least five years older, it may be difficult to find a good shidduch.

The 20- or 21-year-old boys who are studying for a profession are typically still in college, given that many have spent at least a year or two in Israel. Years ago, when such boys reached that age they were already graduating from college, and they were ready to embark on the milestone of dating. Nowadays many boys first begin college at age 20, so the idea of marriage is not even on their radar till they are about 24. And if they choose a career path such as law or medicine, it is not unusual to hear that they don’t start dating till their mid-twenties.

I am sure you know about some girls your daughter’s age who dated and married boys who are a year or two older. In many such situations, they either knew each other from somewhere, or they were randomly introduced to one another and it just happened to work out. But those circumstances are not a dime a dozen.

If your hashkafah allows it, your daughter might want to place herself in social situations where she can meet boys her own age. The risk she takes is that she may start dating someone who is not ready for marriage, whether emotionally or because of his education. Other than that, your daughter should just continue doing what she is doing with regard to dating until she meets someone she feels is right for her. You might just have to wait it out till she gets a bit older and feels more compatible with the boys she will go out with.

Let’s get into your question about who is responsible to pay off someone’s school loans. The answer is simple. If you choose to buy something, then it is your responsibility to find a way to pay for it. Sure, no one would mind finding someone else to pay their bills. But, ordinarily, boys do not choose their higher education on the basis and with the expectation that they will find an in-law ready to pay for it–they have no guarantee such an offer will ever come up.

If a boy or his parents decide that medicine, law, or any other expensive graduate school is the appropriate path, then they usually realize it is their responsibility to find a way to pay for it. Many students apply for loans. They need financial assistance to carry them through the years they won’t earn a salary, while having to deal with everyday living expenditures. If you are familiar with loans, in most cases the student who applies signs a promissory note, which means he or she will repay the loan after graduation. It is understood and anticipated that when such time arrives, the financial situation for the student will have improved.

In my shadchanus, parents of girls call me from time to time about their daughters who specifically want to marry a boy who is in medical or law school. They sometimes make the offer of paying off the loans of a boy should he marry their daughter. You may know people who are financially in a position to do so and have succeeded. And I will not deny that there are parents of boys in graduate school who will encourage their sons to date girls whose parents are well-to-do. But that is in no way indicative that such a generous gesture is required in order for your daughter to marry a guy who is in professional school.

To be practical, you will, however, have to consider how your daughter will be able to sustain herself and her husband-to-be should she marry while they are both still in school. It is for this reason that you might be hearing about parents of boys who seek a girl whose parents are able to support the couple.

The fact of the matter is that the world of shidduchim is not made up of only wealthy people. Furthermore, there are more cases than ever before of young couples struggling to make ends meet. Being young and newly married is an adventure for those who choose that route. Believe it or not, what may horrify you as a parent watching your children in what you might consider unlivable conditions may be viewed as fun by the young couple in such a situation. When two people are committed to each other, they manage to find a way to pay their bills and eat. If they know that this is what will be expected of them, many take on part-time jobs, which may not pay much but will enable them to make ends meet.

Your responsibility as a parent is to help guide your daughter without any pressure. Be up-front about what you cannot do for her financially, and allow nature to take its course. Do not concern yourself with those girls who manage to find a chassan at a very young age. Getting married is not about winning the race to the chuppah.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

 

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