By Baila Sebrow

Question

I’m dating a girl who is a dream–at least on the outside. A real beauty queen: tall, blonde, and gorgeous. And she is also smart. You get the picture. Here’s the thing: She knows how great she is and that she is “all that.” For example, she always talks about her ex-boyfriends wanting to get back together with her.

We have a great time when we are together, but it’s very hard to get a date with her. It takes her a long time to return my calls and texts. And it’s also very annoying when she answers her texts and makes calls to friends while we are on a date. One time I felt really hurt when she was texting someone while we were eating, and I told her how I felt. She said her friend had a problem and she was just helping her out. She is known to be a great girl that way; she is always there for her friends.

Just so you can understand the dynamic between us, I have to add that she is very popular, and I’m just an average guy. Every popular guy I know has either dated her or wanted to date her. When she first agreed to go out with me, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. So I can’t discuss my concerns with anyone else, because I know that in two seconds another guy will jump into my place.

Before her, all the other girls I met were plain. Not that there is anything wrong with looking plain, but I wanted more in a girl. I know that she is one of a kind, which is why she is so popular.

I’ve tried talking to her about how I feel, and she acts like I’m “crazy jealous” of her. She says so, too. I know she talks to other guys and goes to parties and stuff. What can I do differently? How can I catch her attention, so that she won’t want anyone else to talk to? I finally feel like I’ve met the girl I want to marry, if not for all these problems.

Response

It sounds to me that your tall, blonde beauty queen is having way too much fun to even contemplate giving all her time and attention to one person–namely, you. While you are serious about having a future with her, she is busy keeping company with anyone and everyone who makes her feel like she is as great as you say and believe. Not only that, but it appears that she has many fans in her club. And from what you are conveying, you are no exception among her collection of admirers. In fact, I believe it’s possible that you are only one amongst various others.

Clearly, there’s the beautiful wrapping on the outside, but what lies inside this girl and, most importantly, in her heart? Based on what you are writing about your relationship with her, she treats you like an afterthought–and I think you know it. She is who she is, and there is no magic wand that will change how she acts.

She clearly demonstrates that she is not yet ready to be anyone’s special someone for keeps. I don’t know if her behavior is a result of difficulties with her own self-esteem and therefore having so many admirers is something she needs. Whether or not it’s the case, that is not even what I am so concerned about.

I take issue with how she treats you. Ignoring your calls or texts when you are trying to arrange a date, but answering others while she is with you, is rude and offensive. And this is exactly how you can expect her to treat you if you marry her–and that’s on a lucky day.

You seem ready to do just about anything to change yourself to catch her attention. That is so sad! Even sadder is that you believe that someone will jump into your place if you complain. Perhaps so. But I assure you that no healthy man will allow himself to be mistreated. Sure, she might catch someone’s attention initially. But as soon as she gets comfortable enough with someone, she will treat another guy the way she is treating you.

I typically advise those who are dating seriously to try finding a way to salvage their relationship–except when one party exhibits abusive behavior. Abuse is a strong word. But any person who knowingly hurts another, yet does not care, is being abusive. You have made it clear to her how hurt and bothered you are. She takes no ownership of her behavior. On the contrary, she turns it around and calls you “crazy jealous.” I’m sorry to tell you, but I see no happy ending where this girl is concerned. There is nothing you can or should do to win her over. Besides, isn’t she too busy going to parties and seeking attention elsewhere? As painful as it will be for you, my recommendation is that you move on to pursue a healthy relationship. At the same time, I also feel that you need guidance in choosing a wholesome person for marriage.

I won’t deny that some people need the attraction factor in order to be interested in dating someone. But, as you have painfully learned, it cannot be everything. Your focus needs to be on the type of girl who will bring positive qualities into the marriage. And that begins with having good middos. Her personality needs to shine when she is with you, not just when she is with strangers. An easy mistake some people make is to assume that someone who is always available to help others will make a good spouse. While often true, there are always exceptions. There are many people who are known to help others yet neglect those closest to them. Case in point is the girl you speak of. She is always there for her friends, according to you, yet when it comes to your needs, how are you being treated?

In a lasting relationship, both partners need to be committed to one another with the objective that they each come first for the other. Unless it is truly urgent, no text or call should be answered while a girl is on a date with you. That needs to become a given rule in your dating life very early on in any relationship. And of course, the same rules of etiquette must be reciprocated by you.

You should not tolerate dating a girl who occupies her time with other men and parties. You do not need that type of popular personality in your life, as it only has the potential to bring you grief. There are some girls who like to make it seem that every guy is interested in them while they are in a relationship. They get a kick out of proving to the guys they date just how desirable other men find them. Such behavior is tasteless and inappropriate, and, as you have personally experienced, it makes things quite unpleasant. You should not be settling for any mistreatment. The girl you want to consider marrying needs to possess a caring type of nature. Ignoring your calls or texts is not acceptable at any stage in a relationship.

I will not end my response to you until I address your description of yourself. Do you realize how many adjectives and phrases you have used to describe this girl’s so-called greatness? Yet, when it comes to describing yourself, you self-condescendingly say that you are “average.” There is nothing average about you. You depict an honest, sacrificing, and dedicated image of yourself. You are a serious, marriage-minded person, and you should want to share your life with someone worthy of and responsive to all that you want to give.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

 

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