Question

For someone who is not chassidish, the problem I’m telling you about means nothing. But to us it is like a tragedy. Because when a child leaves the derech of his home, it makes terrible trouble for the other children, too.

One day out of the blue, my son tells my husband and me that being chassidish is not for him. The truth is that it was not such a shock to us. We heard from people in our community that they see him in Manhattan dressing modern. We are not hotheaded people, so we asked him why he wants to change from the ways of his family. He said because he wants to get married. He was never really for a chassidish girl. In fact, we tried to set him up with girls from a heimish background (which is modern for us) but they didn’t want him.

He started going to places where modern boys and girls meet, and he said that he needs to dress modern to fit in. We are willing to accept that, because we have no choice, but we want that when he is in our community he should dress like everyone else. He says he can’t be a hypocrite. The other problem is that a modern girl could be from who knows where. Modern people don’t check out who the person is and where they come from.

We don’t know what to do. The truth is we don’t want to be embarrassed if he doesn’t wear a shtreimel when he gets married. We want him to at least give in that when he is by us, he should dress like we do. But then we don’t know what his wife will want to wear, and it could embarrass us. My husband thinks our son is just rebelling and to not give in to him. What do you think?

Response

I believe that the root of the dilemma in your family is not the clothing. Whether your son wears chassidish or modern clothing is only a symptom of the problem. We don’t know if he in fact wants to marry a modern girl, but feels inclined to because he did not experience success dating someone more compatible with his background and what he is familiar with.

The reality of relationships is that we are naturally drawn to what we are accustomed to. We first see that in children when they begin to form friendships in preschool or playgroups. Behavior and characteristics reflect off each other. And as children grow into adulthood, they try as much as they can to stick to their roots. And not necessarily due to loyalty, but people feel most secure when in the company of the familiar.

And so when someone veers off to what might be considered a radical extent, there is a deep-seated reason for it. Please understand that for your son to have concluded that his shidduch existence depends on altering himself must have been an agonizing decision. So although I realize that this new revelation is difficult for your family, you need to put your energies into understanding the challenges that your son is going through right now.

Perhaps not in your family, but this is not the first time something like this has happened. There are chassidish guys who for various personal reasons come to the decision that marrying a modern girl would be best for them. And as you admit, the chassidish girls were not for your son. So although you are a chassidish family, and I will assume you raised and tried to educate him according to the derech of your family and community, there was still something amiss. You were astute enough to recognize that, and you tried going a bit more to the left of what you were accustomed to, and there you saw that he did not have success with the heimish girls.

You do not indicate the cause for your son needing to alter his hashkafah altogether. It could be that his lack of success in the heimish circles was based on their own ideology. It is commonly considered that someone who modernizes himself has typically “left the fold,” even if they are still quite frum. In shidduchim, and especially amongst right-wing shadchanim, that is oftentimes considered an impediment.

And that is why others from chassidish homes who wanted to marry outside their circles have experienced rejection. Families who are not chassidish may be concerned with what the neighbors, people in their shul, or anyone else would say as to why their daughter married a chassidish or formerly chassidish boy. Their apprehension stems from people who might assume that there was a problem with their daughter or within their family. And just as your son could not marry a chassidish girl, the non-chassidish girl and/or her family may feel the same way about marrying such a boy.

Based on how you tell your story and the way you describe your son, I will assume that he is a thoughtful, sensitive person. The fact that he was dressing modern long before he revealed his choice of lifestyle, which he initially kept hidden from you, is very telling. I believe that he did so for two reasons. One, because he didn’t want to bring you aggravation, and two, he might have wanted to try it out and see if it works for him. And it was likely when he became certain that this new lifestyle is for him that he told you what he had concealed for a while.

It is not uncommon for men raised chassidish to deviate from their upbringing, especially when it comes time for shidduchim. Some of these guys feel that changing their garb to a more modern style will increase their chances of attracting that type of girl. It does not always work. And we don’t know if it will in fact end up working out for your son either. That is why it is so imperative that you don’t do anything to cause any distance between him and your family.

The reason it may not always work out for them is that although they may appear modern on the outside, and might even take on a modern hashkafah, their chassidish background gives them away one way or another, and they endure rejection after rejection. Why is that? Because, as I intimated earlier, people gravitate towards what they are accustomed to and familiar with.

Marrying someone similar in hashkafah and values feels more comfortable. Even when marrying someone similar to themselves, there are still always going to be differences; subtle perhaps, but differences nevertheless. How much more so when marrying someone of a different background! And that applies to your son as well. At the end of the day, we don’t know how he would feel being married to someone vastly different from himself.

This is not to say that a boy who comes from a chassidish upbringing cannot ultimately be happy being married to a girl who was brought up in a modern environment. There are numerous cases to support this notion. However, in such situations there were motives leading up to why a girl has considered marrying someone of a different background.

Contrary to your husband’s opinion, and guessing from the little you disclose, I do not believe your son is acting out of rebellion. Rather, I think he changed his ways for survival. There is a big difference between rebellion and survival.

Not knowing your son, I still applaud his nobility in not wanting to be a hypocrite. I realize that encouraging him to dress one way when he visits you and another when he is not with you might be normal under such circumstances within your circles, but it still feels phony. And people with integrity cannot succumb to that behavior.

I do understand where you are coming from in terms of worrying about a girl’s background. It is true that more left-wing modern people do not check into backgrounds as much. Which ultimately means that whomever he will meet and want to marry will not check into him either. That could work to his benefit. On the other hand, you still don’t know where she is coming from, and that would be a concern to parents of many hashkafahs.

That is another reason why I am advising you to not create any distance between yourself and your son. By being in his life and accepting his choice of lifestyle, you are in fact maintaining power in your hands. He will still trust you and be willing to hear you out if you remark on something in a common-sense way. You will then be in a position to offer suggestions where it relates to shidduchim. As long as he believes that you are accepting of him, even though he goes out to meet girls on his own, you will still be able to help him with finding a shidduch.

I also wonder if your son would be open to dating a girl who is a ba’alas teshuvah. Baalei teshuvah, for the most part, do have a sense of understanding that a person can decide to change their hashkafah at a certain juncture in their life. They, too, undertook a major change, even more so than someone who becomes modern. He might relate very well to such a type of girl.

But it cannot be just you. Your husband, too, must put some pride aside and place himself on the same page as your son. You both need to speak to him and tell him that you understand his challenges, and that his happiness means more to you than what anyone in the community might think or say. Once he accepts that, you will discover a newfound bond.

You can at that point talk about shidduchim and make the ba’alas teshuvah suggestion. If he is open to the idea, you will need to educate yourself on shadchanim who are open-minded and deal with that clientele.

When you do receive the recommendations of such shadchanim, do not allow them to set him up based on a phone call and résumé, as the results will not end up being to your and your son’s satisfaction. They may send him girls that are totally not shayach for him, for a variety of reasons. Insist that these shadchanim meet your son and his family. They need to get a full understanding of who he really is and where he comes from.

There are also girls who come from a chassidish background but are actually modern in their attitudes. Such a girl might feel very comfortable with someone like your son. You might want to explore that option as well.

In the end, it might end up being that your son just wants to meet and marry a girl he finds on his own. And if so, as long as he plans to live a shomer Torah life, so what if he dresses modern? Hashem judges people on how they behave, not on their external garb.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

 

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