Question
I recently lost my husband to COVID-19. I have a lot of friends and a big family, but I am still very lonely. I told my family that I want to remarry, and they are talking me out of it. They say I should wait. My rav told me I should go right ahead and start dating, and to write up a résumé to send to shadchanim. He also told me to look only for an alman. I listened to my rav’s advice.
The shadchanim started redding me to divorced men, even though I told them that I feel more comfortable with a widower. But they said that they don’t have anyone around my age. So I went out with a few divorced men, and it was a disaster. It’s not my world. All they talked about was their exes, and it made me nauseated to hear them talking trash about their children’s mother. Their whole attitude was just so different than that of my late husband, a’h, or anyone from my family, or even my friends’ husbands.
I had a good, loving marriage, even though we sometimes argued. I don’t know what to do. I definitely don’t want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I joined a few groups on Facebook, and a few men started messaging me, and we talked. But I don’t know if they are for me, or if I should call their rav to find out more about them. I need hadrachah!
Response
I am very sorry for your tremendous loss, and please accept my deep condolences to you and your family. Losing a spouse is a unique kind of pain that can only be fully comprehended by somebody who has unfortunately experienced the same. It is a life-shattering experience. The heart-wrenching agony that a widow feels is not just about the tangible loss, but also about the life that she could have continued to have with her husband.
Let’s first talk about the mixed reviews you are receiving from the people in your life regarding dating. Typically, it is advised for those who experienced the loss of a spouse to give themselves time to grieve, because grieving is a healthy response to loss and important to the healing and growth process. How long one should grieve varies from person to person. Grief has no clock or calendar to abide by. Of utmost importance is to never decide about anything major while feeling forlorn, because the decision you make will be based on where you are at that time in your life — emotionally, financially, and even health-wise. As time goes on, you will likely shift in your stance, viewpoint, and attitude. In most cases, you will modify aspects of your life as you adjust to no longer being married and getting your life in order.
There are those who successfully and happily remarry almost immediately after their spouse has passed away. But others who remarry soon after the loss later find themselves questioning their judgment. In that regard, I can see why your family and friends are advising you to hold off. On the other hand, when these people go home at night and close the door behind them, they are not alone. You are alone, even if you may have children living with you. Loneliness is painful, and you have the right to replace your pain with joy. That said, you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you feel ready, then that is your business and no one else’s.
I agree with your rav that a widower would be a better option for you. As a shadchan, it is frequently requested of me to find widowers for women of all ages, and not just for widows. Women who are divorced or a bit older and never married are also advised to marry a widower. So here are the facts. I typically do not recommend a widow’s first choice to be a man who is divorced. And it’s not because he may have had a bad marriage or was not a good husband, because not every widower was necessarily good to his wife either. It’s because the mental and philosophical outlook of a divorced person is different than one whose marriage ended by death. The views of a divorced man on life, relationships, and marriage are different than the views of somebody who was in a long marriage, especially a happy one.
I want to make it very clear that my response in no way, shape, or form is meant to denigrate divorced people. There certainly are success stories of remarriage between couples where one was widowed and the other one divorced. But that does not change the fact that they come from dissimilar places in life, as you are discovering through your personal dating experiences. It’s just vastly different than where you are coming from.
Human experiences are what shape us. We are all a product of our past. Nobody escapes their experiences unscathed, no matter how emotionally untouched they appear on the outside. Picture a spot that one wishes to be covered with expertly applied makeup. At first glance you will not notice anything. But when the makeup is removed, it is there. The makeup did not cause anything to disappear.
That’s how it is with people, too. You can meet a person who appears to have all the qualities that impress you and who seems to have what it takes to fulfill your needs. But as you get closer to him, he becomes comfortable enough to show bits and pieces of who he really is. Oftentimes what happens in such cases is that you can feel you are already in too deep and thus inclined to overlook these traits. If you don’t step back for an objective view of the person and relationship, the true colors of the person will come through when it might be too late. I am glad that you were able to discern what cannot ultimately work for you.
You were lucky that you had a good marriage. And although you lost the love of your life, the memories of that love will never be lost. You will always carry that love. And only someone who has experienced a loving relationship can appreciate and acknowledge that while you still love your late spouse you can love your new spouse, too. That’s a sharp contrast from dating a divorced man who dislikes his ex-wife. Do you think such a man will embrace the warm feelings you bear for your late husband?
When the shadchanim tell you that it is not easy to find a widower, they are correct. They are basing it on statistics regarding male and female lifespans. Nevertheless, there are ways to get around that. You make no reference to your age, but if you are not going to have children with a future husband, hashkafah with regards to minhagim can be negotiated. You will not have to deal with issues such as choices of schools, camps, and general upbringing. In fact, you are free to be open-minded, if you so choose. And if you are flexible in other areas, too, then your search should be less troublesome than you think. If you plan to have children, and you are amenable to dating somebody who has more children than you might have initially felt comfortable with, that will also open more doors for you. The bottom line is that there are more dating opportunities at this point in your life than when you were younger and searching for a husband for the first time.
Since you specify that you are seeking hadrachah, I cannot end my response to you without giving you a brief overview about meeting men through social media: DON’T. In fact, if you can avoid joining social media groups altogether, it will be much better for you, at least for now. Coming from a good marriage, you probably believe that people are sincere in their words, actions, and intentions. Sadly, that is not always the case in the real world of dating. Just because somebody tells you something, it does not mean that it is coming from a right and just place.
That also applies to men to whom a shadchan might introduce you. You need to realize that even if a shadchan vouches for somebody, he or she did not date that person, nor can anyone vouch for what happened in a previous marriage or relationship. You must do your homework — and then some. Do not rely solely on the person’s rav, just like you cannot rely on the shadchan’s guarantee, because the rav only sees and knows as much as his congregant allows him to see and know.
You are now in an emotionally fragile state, and contrary to what many people erroneously believe, the world is not as sympathetic to widows as one might assume. Retain a mentor you respect and trust who will not only guide you, but will honestly assess and keenly scrutinize any individual who has the potential to enter your heart and life.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.
