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Domestics For Israel

Circus Clown Waves HelloIt is a force to be reckoned with, and it might someday even become a voting bloc that elected officials will have to address. A group of visionary activists in the Five Towns and Brooklyn are now organizing the Housekeepers’ Division of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee.

The support for Israel and the knowledge of Jewish life amongst this sector, who mostly hail from South and Central America, has been discovered as a treasure that is both unique and profound. And now, in addition to the Achiezer organization teaching these young women CPR, local yeshivas in the area are marshaling their resources to instruct the women in Hebrew, Chumash, and Mishnah.

The newly formed Latino-Hebrew Instructional Group, also known as Achi-Esther, will allow parents more free time by making it possible for live-in home helpers and those who want to stay a little bit later into the evening to also do homework with the young yeshiva students, aside from serving dinner and tidying up afterward.

If the experiment is successful, said the organization’s founder, Esther Martinez-Mandelbaum, some of the more advanced domestic engineers will also begin to receive introductory Talmud classes in September 2014.

“At a certain time of the evening when the home is spotless, we feel that these pro-Jewish and pro-Israel activists can make a continued valuable contribution to the growth and development of the children in their charge,” said Ms. Martinez-Mandelbaum.

The eventual objective is a housekeepers’ mission to Israel, once they figure out how to overcome the obstacle of the many people seeking this type of employment not being legal residents of the United States and therefore unable to secure passports and pass through security at any U.S. airport.

“We are in talks with a bus company that can take us to Alaska, then a short 50-mile ferry ride to Russia, and then another bus through Russia and Europe and then into Israel,” she said. She added that it is laborious and difficult, but there is little these women would not do out of dedication to Jewish homes and Israel.

Presidential Purim

“And it was in the days of Obamarosh . . .”

Who? Obamarosh, the community organizer. He ruled over all 58 states. He visited 57 and only has one left to go. He visited India but he hails from Kush. He made a grand feast and inaugural party. At $160 million, it was the most expensive ever. Everyone there received a generous amount of food stamps and an autographed Obamaphone. Also, Michelle made a feast for all the women to celebrate the first time she was proud of her country. Michelle’s party consisted of water, carrot sticks, and whole-wheat bread. Obamarosh asked for permission to take a selfie with the prime minister of Denmark. When it was not granted, Obamarosh decided it was time for a new queen. After all, wives must learn to r-s-p-e-c-t their husbands! He ordered that all female interns be brought to the White House for training.

A minister approached Obamarosh and said, “There is a nation of neocons in your kingdom. They are worthless and do not benefit the economy. The conservative men deem you worse than a lowly maidservant. While they will marry a maidservant, they will not marry you because you are a man.” Obamarosh was incensed at the neocons’ lack of sensitivity and morals. Obamarosh asked Emmanuel what could be done with this nation. Emmanuel answered, “Why not subject them to universal healthcare, complete with death squads?” Obamarosh loved this plan and signed it into law. He tried to explain to all that this is really better than private healthcare. He said, “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It’s the post office that’s always having problems.”

One day an important e-mail arrived from the NSA, which has computers that translate over seventy languages. They intercepted a cell-phone conversation between two activists known as the Pepsi brothers, who were plotting to kill Obamacare. Obamarosh asked the NSA, “Wasn’t the conversation between two Americans? Did you get a warrant?”

The NSA said, “No warrant is needed if the public doesn’t find out. Besides, neocons don’t really deserve any constitutional protection. After all, they oppose you.”

“Good!” said Obamarosh. “Wait until those two neocons leave the country and then I can direct that they be the subject of targeted killings.”

“But isn’t it illegal to kill Americans extrajudicially?”

“Nah, as long as they are overseas I consider the entire world a battlefield for the war on terror. On the battlefield, I alone get to decide who lives and who dies.”

The two neocons were hit with cruise missiles and expired. The news organizations found out, and there was an uproar. Hillary tried to quiet them down and shouted, “We have two dead Americans! What difference does it make, at this point, how they died?” The reporters present responded, “Oh, you’re right, of course. We didn’t think of that.”

One night, sleep eluded Obamarosh. The Supreme Court took up the issue of Obamacare. Things looked grim. Obamarosh asked his trusted advisers to bring him his book of chronicles entitled The New York Democratic Times. The adviser started reading, “In 2000, Justice Roberto and his wife Jane adopted two children. Initially it was made known that the adoptions were ‘from a Latin-American country,’ but over time it has become apparent that the adopted children were not Latin-American, but were Irish.” Obamarosh smiled with glee. He sent an urgent message and warning to Justice Roberto. An ashen-faced Roberto read the threat and realized that he must change his vote to protect his children. The next day, the Supreme Court announced that Obamacare was legal. Justice Roberto was paraded around the streets. They announced, “This is what is done to a justice who demonstrates maturity and is liked by the president.”

Then the insurance companies canceled many healthcare policies. The liberals complained, “Obamacare was supposed to target just neocons, but we are suffering.”

Obamarosh said that he couldn’t help: “Edicts issued by the Supreme Commander may not be repealed.”

The liberals countered, “But they may be delayed.” Obamarosh concurred and issued an edict delaying Obamacare.

When the neocons attempted to buy insurance on the government website, they received error messages. They called the hotline and had to wait many days for a live operator. “Perfect,” declared Obamarosh. “Now even the neocons won’t be able to work, and they’ll turn into food-stamp Democrats.”

What happened to the 58 states? Putin annexed some of them. Obamarosh told Putin, “If you like those states, you can keep those states.”

Neocons celebrate the delay of Obamacare by reading the law that no one had a chance to read before passage. They also wear costumes and scary masks, such as Obamarosh ones.

You’re In The Army Now

Yeshiva students in New York have informed the Israeli army that they are willing to join the ranks of the IDF as replacement soldiers for their brethren in Israel who are going to great lengths to avoid induction into the army or any equivalent national service. The reason that the young men in Israel and their leadership oppose the new plan is that they prefer the traditional Torah lifestyle which allows them to study full time without any distractions.

A symbolic contingency of young yeshiva students from the U.S. was about to embark on this historical mission to Israel until they found out that the plan is that after they finish their national service they would be expected to join the workforce in either part-time or full-time jobs.

“We are willing to do anything for the army, from digging ditches to dismantling explosives, from repairing tanks to F-15 jets,” said Jake Nishtkenarbitar. “But,” he added, “please do not ask us to work; that is cruel and unusual as well as not part of our plan.” And this is where a vital part of American life differs with that lived in Israel. In Israel, the yeshiva boys basically have no plan. Here in America you have to have a plan of what you anticipate doing with your life after marriage.

Note that you do not necessarily have to effectuate, implement, or realize your plan, but you have to have one. And the reason is that in the shidduch industry many girls prefer guys with a plan. So remember: Israel—no plan; America— yes plan. And also keep in mind that our boys will do national service, even serve in the IDF, but please don’t say that word, “jobs.”

Obama Matzah Tax

President Obama, who is known to not only hold a Purim masquerade party in the White House but also a Passover Seder, has indicated that he is considering a shemurah matzah tax levy beginning in 2015. “Jews are going to be spending a lot of money on matzah no matter what,” said the president. “It is unlikely that they will even take note of whether a pound of matzah costs another few bucks.”

The president said that the tax levy will only be implemented on those who change their brand of matzah or the matzah bakery that they usually shop at. Those who are loyal to their usual brand of matzah will not incur the new tax.

“If you like your matzah bakery, you can keep your matzah bakery; if you like your matzah, you can keep your matzah—guaranteed.” Everything was fine until the president said “guaranteed.” That’s when Jewish activists and culinary organizations began to worry. The Mesorah Cookbook and Talmud division and the Aggressive Israel of America organization produced a statement that said that this was a mixture of not just flour and water but of religion and state, and that the combining of the two increased the possibility of resulting in chametz and bad policy that impacts only on the Jewish community.

An additional development involved the president’s announcement of the availability of new government-issued matzah at a discounted price. Mr. Obama, standing in front of the White House with a rolling pin and a clump of dough, said he was rolling out the new plan for Purim and hoped that those who could not previously afford shemurah would now be able to do so. The $5 per pound shemurah matzah comes with a $19 fee for the box that it is packed in. Originally referred to as the Affordable Matzah Pack, the new offering to the kosher-for-Passover community is for some reason now referred to as Obamatzah. v

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Posted by on March 14, 2014. Filed under In This Week's Edition. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.