By Michele Herenstein

I looked up some etiquette pointers on the Internet, knowing this is an important topic not just for Emily Post and the upper echelons of society, but for the average person as well.

Introductions are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to etiquette and manners. There are volumes written on how one should make introductions: Man first? Elderly second? Which is more respected, first or second? Firm handshake? Just a smile? Serious? Warm? Professional?

  • If everyone is of the same gender and of a similar age, then first introduce the person you know best: “John, this is Betty’s cousin Mable.”
  • With self-introduction, give your full name and some information as to who you are within the context of the social gathering.
  • When meeting someone of the older generation, always address him or her as Mr. or Mrs. They will appreciate the respect and will probably ask you to call them by their first name, but always wait to be invited before you do so.

The Emily Post page on the Internet describes etiquette as “a code of behavior based on treating others with honesty, respect, and consideration. This finds its way into every interaction we have, from planning a party or calculating a tip to writing a thank-you note or taking a cellphone call in public (or not!).”

The site WiseBread describes 10 rules of etiquette that everyone should know and follow. One crucial one is to RSVP. RSVP on an invitation stands for the French phrase “Répondez s’il vous plaît,” meaning “Reply, please.” In other words, respond to indicate whether you will or will not attend. Don’t show up without having responded. If you said yes and your plans change, let the host know you need to cancel; don’t be a no-show.

Although we sometimes get e‑vites, and invitations are often more casual, it is imperative to respond to someone’s event invitation. If someone has taken the time to invite you to something, it is only right that you take the time to reply, either by phone, mail, or e‑mail. Ignoring an invitation is rude and shows a lack of manners.

Another crucial form of etiquette is the thank-you note. “If someone has gone through the trouble of buying you a gift, has helped you, or simply done something nice, the very least you can do is to say thank-you.”

I relate to this next form of etiquette wholeheartedly: punctuality. Many people think their time rules, and they can be late if they need to be. “My own solution, in the office setting, is to give it five minutes– tops–and then I start the meeting. If it is not a meeting I have called, same thing–I wait five minutes, and then leave. Some may find that drastic, but it works. In social settings, late people cause their friends to miss movies, dinner reservations, etc. If you are one of those ‘I’m always late’ people, you may wish to examine your reasons for lateness, before you stop getting invitations.” This may sound tough, but making people wait is the ultimate in rudeness. Standing out in the cold, hopping from one foot to the other, rechecking lipstick ten times out of sheer boredom. If you are someone who is constantly late, always make the get-together time ten minutes later and change the clock.

Here is the scenario where many people are in disagreement. Although I feel strongly about curtailing the use of cellphones in many situations, I often can’t seem to follow the etiquette of using cellphones. I admit, this one is tough. Because cellphones are like an added appendage, following the protocol of when not to use cell phones is like having an amputation for some.

  • If you are on a public line (post office, grocery store, DMV) and everyone around you now knows your business, you are speaking too loudly.
  • In a restaurant, cells should be silenced. If you receive an important call, you should excuse yourself and go outside to take the call.
  • If we are talking, and you are texting, I do not have your full attention.
  • In a movie theater, cells should be silenced or turned off, if possible. Even the screen can light up in the dark, which is distracting.
  • It’s dangerous to talk on a cell or text while driving.
  • In a business meeting, unless you are a medical professional who might be urgently needed, I do not see the need for you to be texting.

When discussing first impressions, the Binghamton University website states, “It takes 30 seconds for a person meeting you for the first time to form impressions about you, your character, and abilities. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

Wow. So basically whether you’re entering a business meeting, going on a date, or meeting someone for the first time, that first handshake, eye contact, good posture, and more will be summed up in the other person’s eyes in 30 seconds or less. Pressure!

I find telephone etiquette fascinating, too.

The telephone is used a lot in the selection process, including setting up interviews, phone interviews, and job offers. And of course the first pre-date phone call!

  • Tone of voice is 70% of initial impression; words spoken, 30%.
  • Speak with a smile in your voice (and on your face).
  • Focus on the call, not on doing something else.
  • Don’t eat or drink while on the phone.
  • When talking on the phone with a potential employer or for other business, do not put them on hold while you answer another phone call.
  • Have a notepad and writing utensil nearby for taking notes.
  • Eliminate background noise–pets, TV, music, bathroom noises, children, and traffic.
  • Warn housemates of anticipated calls, to act appropriately (keeping the noise down) during phone interviews, or when taking messages.
  • Your answering machine or voicemail message should be brief, polite, and professional.
  • Return calls promptly (within 24 hours).
  • When leaving a message, speak slowly and clearly (articulate), provide your first and last name (spell last name), give your phone number including area code, purpose of call or an identifier, and repeat name at end.

You might be thinking that this is all too much to remember. But if you do it a few times, I bet it will become second nature. Honestly, it’s just manners spelled out for your convenience.

I laughed when I read that e‑mail is not an etiquette-free zone.

The site states a rule that I personally need to follow: AVOID USING ALL CAPS or all lower-case, and don’t overuse the exclamation point!!!! For some reason when I use an exclamation mark I suppose it’s like saying so there! Realizing this is childish, I’m certainly going to work on it.

There are pages and pages on dining etiquette, dress etiquette, and pretty much every form of etiquette–from going to the bathroom in the middle of a meal to answering a cellphone when you’re expecting an important call.

I find many of these etiquette rules interesting, and some important to follow. However, to learn all the manners and rules and to get them right in every situation, I’d have to focus on this as if studying for the bar exam.

Etiquette from the times of Pride and Prejudice is beautiful to watch, and seems so easy for them to execute. But in this day and age, etiquette includes phone, cell, e‑mail, text, IM, and so many other forms of communication, so that it just seems too much to memorize in any situation.

To sum up tons of information in a paragraph, my advice is to always be polite, make appropriate eye contact, smile as often as you can, dress appropriately for the specific function, write drafts for e‑mails and phone calls if you’re unsure what to say, and, in general, just be a pleasant person who will leave a great first impression. And if you don’t, it’s their loss.

No need to hit the books on etiquette. Just smile, put on your favorite outfit, and when the phone rings, try not to answer with a “yeah, what’s up?” Don’t worry what others think of you when doing your best. Have confidence and pride in yourself that you’re the best version of yourself.

Michele Herenstein can be reached at michelesherenstein@hotmail.com.

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