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From The Purim Press Service

Compromise Reached! Number Six School To Be Shared!

In a great display of unity, the various parties have come together and worked out a plan to share the Number Six school building. The medical center, the JCC, and Shulamith have agreed to jointly operate the now vacant former school premises.

Having these various entities occupying the same space will really cut down on some expenses. The medical center has agreed that all Shulamith students who need a band-aid or Tylenol will be able to obtain them free of charge at the center. Shulamith will save money by not having to hire their own nurse. In turn, Shulamith will make their principal available for those patients who need a talking to. If a diabetic has not been watching his diet and failed his blood-sugar test, a nurse will promptly deliver that patient to the principal. Sometimes doctors can drone on and on and have their advice ignored, but principals have a way of instilling fear.

As an added bonus to the community, Shulamith is offering any patient a free ride on their school buses to go see a doctor. However, arrangements must be made the day before the scheduled appointment. The medical center will make their ambulances available to any student who had a hair emergency and therefore missed her school bus.

“Some days I just can’t get my hair to lie flat. I hate having to walk miles to school on account of the missed bus. This is just awesome,” said Shoshana Rosenblau, a student at Shulamith.

However, one parent sounded a note of caution. “The JCC is supposed to have a full fitness center available. Teachers always tell their students that by test time, “It’s sink or swim.” I’m afraid the students will take the swim option at the JCC. Also, I’m afraid that Shulamith will have a hard time keeping their students in boring classes like algebra or literature. The kids will opt to attend a Zumba class instead. Why learn about the art of politics, when you can instead attend a spin class? The kids might want to skip a class about mussar and attend a meditative yoga class.”

Of course patients might be utterly confused as well. When they tell the reception desk that they need to have blood drawn, they might end up in an art class. Another patient who is suffering from some sort of cyclical ailment may be told to stay off the exercise bikes and try the treadmill instead. The board members of the medical center might be interested in finding out how much money the center is making, only to be led to a course on the Prophets. When the CDC visits, someone will have to explain that the ten plagues are part of ancient history and not some terrible outbreak.

In a really strange twist, though, a new entity has put forth a bid for the school: the Town of Cedarhurst. They have had a ticket blitz in effect for years but are still running a deficit. The mayor proposed the idea of towing cars when the meter expires instead of merely ticketing them. The town will purchase a fleet of tow trucks that will have computer systems linked to the parking meters. There should be less than a minute response time to any expired meter. The towing fee will be $350. If you arrive before your vehicle has actually been towed, you can pay $150 to have your vehicle unhooked. The only impediment to this plan was that the town needed a lot large enough to hold all of these towed cars. Hence, the $14 million bid for the school property. The mayor insisted that they should be able to recoup that amount in less than a year.

“We are not towing cars to generate revenue,” the mayor insisted. “It’s a matter of safety. Let’s say a pregnant mother all of a sudden has a craving for a latte; she is going to need a parking space ASAP. Further, people double-park while waiting for spaces that never open. The car-towing program will ensure a quick turnover in parking spots. The tow trucks may have to double-park occasionally, but that is the price to pay for safety.”

The mayor also floated the idea of installing meters in front of every legal space in Cedarhurst, including those in front of residential homes. “Why should a homeowner be allowed to entertain out-of-town guests without charge? These visitors are coming into our town, parking on our side streets, using our services, and not paying a dime! This way they will have to pay at least 25 cents. Hopefully they will forget to return before the meter expires and we will be able to offer them a lesson on safety.” The mayor stopped short of insisting that parking meters be installed in driveways. “I think that is a little too much change for one year. Next year we will consider it.”

The Nassau County Legislature is urging residents to run more red lights, but only by a fraction of a second and when all cross-traffic is fully stopped. As it was widely reported, there was a shortfall from the red-light program in 2011. Only $38 million was generated. All residents should be mindful of traffic laws and obey them whenever possible. The sole exception is at red-light camera intersections. At those intersections, the ends may justify the means. If your intent is to support the county, then running the red light may be justified. After your prompt payment is received, the county will now send you a thank-you note instead of a receipt. Further, if you enclose an extra $25 with your payment, the county will send you a framed photo of the rear portion of your car. For an extra $100, the county will send you the same photo of the rear side of your car printed on canvas. You will be able to proudly display this work of art in your home. All your guests will know that you supported Nassau County.

You may want to consider driving through the intersection backward. This way the red light camera will catch the front section of your car. It may even be able to pick up you smiling and waving at the camera. That photo will certainly turn into a unique heirloom piece of art. Residents are kindly urged to remember that for the price of a daily cup of coffee they can support Nassau County. v

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Posted by on February 21, 2013. Filed under In This Week's Edition. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.