By Goldy Krantz
I am not a patient person. I was born two weeks early. As soon as someone tells me they have a surprise for me, I want it. As soon as I take a test, I want my score. I love my nieces and nephews, but I can’t stand putting together puzzles with them, as puzzles require patience. I have come to accept the fact that this is part of who I am. So when I was in the shidduch parashah for 12 years, you can only imagine how I felt. I wanted to get married and become a “Mrs.” but it wasn’t happening. By speaking with other singles as well as friends and family, I knew this feeling wasn’t exclusively mine. Everyone wanted to find his or her zivug, and none of us understood why it was taking some of us so long to do just that.
A few years ago, someone asked me a question that stuck with me: “You wrote a dating book. You have spoken about it on the radio and at events. Surely, Hashem knows about you. Why do you think He wants you single?” Great question. “There is a reason for everything. It just isn’t my time to be married yet,” I answered. I truly believed that, yet I kept wondering, “I am in my thirties, have a good job and a nice personality . . . so why am I still single?” At times even my answer of “There is a reason for everything” made me want to ask, Why? Why did I have to be single and patient for so long? Why did I go out on date after date only to remain single? I davened, was part of Tehillim groups, completed every segulah that I heard of, yet I remained single. There must be a reason.
There was a reason. I had to remain single for 12 years because of chasdei Hashem. About three years ago, my sister—my best friend—contracted an illness. She was very sick and was hospitalized for six months. My parents and brother-in-law spent every waking—as well as sleeping—hour in the hospital at her bedside. Three nights a week, I slept in my sister’s hospital room so she would not be alone. I spent Thursday night, Friday night, and motzaei Shabbos sleeping in a chair or a cot, arm’s length away from my sister so my parents and brother-in-law could have some respite. My parents moved to Baltimore from Queens while my sister was ill. I made the drive every Thursday afternoon from New York to Baltimore and would make the return trip every Monday morning, only to repeat the cycle again on Thursday.
Baruch Hashem my sister has recovered and is home with her family. But only because I was single was I able to give of myself so completely and be there for my family when they needed me the most. Had I been married, I might not have been able to sleep in the hospital alongside my best friend for three nights a week for six months straight. I would have felt torn in two. My sister would have needed me and if I had been married, my husband, no matter how patient and understanding the man may have been, would have had to give up a lot or deal with a worried basket-case of a wife.
Yes, my story is unique, but the lesson that I learned can be applied to all singles and anyone else experiencing hardship—Hashem does everything for a reason. There was a reason that I had to be single and watch friend after friend find her bashert. Hashem, our Father, doesn’t want His children to suffer; He only wants the best for His children.
I don’t mean to preach to anyone. If you feel that I am doing so, I apologize. But I feel that I would be remiss if I did not say this: Everything really is done in the right time—“b’sha’ah tovah.” Let me share another part of my story: I went out on a date with my husband a few months before my sister took ill. The date just didn’t feel right and we did not go out again. Once my sister returned home, I returned to the “shidduch scene.” I dated a few very nice men, but nothing came of the dates. Then my husband, who had become a friend, as we work in the same agency, asked me out to a movie—not a date, but an “outing with a friend.”
He knew what my family had just been through and knew I was in need of some rest and relaxation. Our first casual date led to a second and then a third . . . This was the right time! This was “b’sha’ah tovah.” Hashem had set everything in motion years earlier when He said, “She will remain single until she does what is needed of her. She will date her zivug after her journey is completed.”
I am so thankful to Hashem for that. My tefillos were answered, not necessarily in the way that I wanted—I wanted to get married at 21 or 22—but I found my zivug, the man who balances me out and understands me so well, at exactly the right time.
Twelve years is a long time to be patient. Some have been waiting for more than 12 years for their tefillos to be answered. I can only say this because of what I have experienced, and I can only speak for myself, but I truly believe that Hashem hears all tefillos and will answer them all in their right time. This is what I tell others when I speak at functions and events: Please don’t give up hope or belief in Hashem. He is the only one who knows how things should be and will do all in His power to make things right. Just as my patience was rewarded, I am sure yours will be as well.
Goldy Krantz (not her real name) holds an LMSW and is the author of the dating book The Best of My Worst. You can contact her on Facebook as Goldy Krantz or through e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.