Dating can pose a multitude of delicate and sensitive questions that require the assistance of those who spend countless hours dealing with singles. In each installment of the Five Towns Jewish Times Dating Forum, a question pertaining to contemporary dating issues will be addressed by our diverse and experienced forum panelists. Questions and comments can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.
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Question: I have been going out with a guy for seven weeks now—a total of ten official dates. The last date, we had a serious discussion about engagement plans and even apartments. A few days later, he kindly let me borrow his car for the whole day. While looking for the trunk button, I opened the glove compartment and saw some poker chips and receipts from casinos. I was simply shocked. I did not know what to think or do and didn’t mention anything to him when I returned the car. How do I go about dealing with this? Should I bring it up to him? If yes, how? Please advise.
The Panelists Respond
Madeline Gross:
Addiction is a very real and often downplayed issue in the Jewish community. Whether it’s gambling, drugs, alcohol, or pornography, addiction must be confronted and dealt with appropriately. Obviously, the best way to avoid becoming an addict of any kind is to completely abstain from the activity. However, just like an occasional drink by a Kiddush doesn’t label someone as an alcoholic, an infrequent pastime with friends doesn’t translate into a gambling addiction. It is important to find out the extent of his involvement before overreacting and coming to a drastic decision.
Most importantly, this should be viewed as a great opportunity for a couple to face a “real-life scenario”—something which many couples don’t experience until well into their marriage. The goal at this dating stage is to continue fortifying a solid foundation of trust, honesty, and complete openness in the relationship. The ultimate indicator of strength and healthiness in a relationship is when a couple can smoothly navigate through some early adversity. Using the right tone and proper sensitivities, raising an issue with your potential spouse is a great litmus test to see if you can work through certain hiccups rationally, respectably, and without extreme tension. This could be a perfect stepping stone to grow closer and more confident in your relationship. Throughout the course of a marriage, certain issues or surprises will arise—you should feel at ease communicating with one another without the fear of having your spouse become upset for stating his or her feelings.
Before drawing any conclusions from this situation, it is important to look at all the feasible scenarios as to why those chips/receipts were there, and then determine how each one will affect your relationship with him. Assuming he doesn’t completely deny ownership (e.g., claim the last girl he dated also borrowed his car and went to these casinos), possibilities are: (i) He never gambles but wanted to go once to check out what a casino was all about; (ii) He does not meet the psychologists’ DSM handbook criteria for compulsive gambler but he does enjoy gambling occasionally; and (iii) He is a diagnosable gambler and completely kept it from you.
Ultimately, it is your decision on how each of these scenarios makes you feel. You want to have confidence that it’s not in his nature to be secretive or deceitful when it comes to any potentially harmful habits or proclivities. How he reacts to your sensitively worded concerns regarding a potential gambling habit and why he kept it from you will inform and assist with your decision: it will either reassure your confidence in building a solid relationship or it will serve as a harbinger for more complications down the road. Whichever the result, you will be glad you discussed it.
I would also suggest speaking with a rabbi, educator, or authority figure who may know him well to determine how concerned you should be and to further discuss the adverse effect gambling can have on a marriage. This issue has damaged and even destroyed many marriages; remaining silent about it would be tantamount to gambling with your relationship.
Madeline Gross is a Woodmere shadchanis. She can be reached at madelinegross1@gmail.com.

Baila Sebrow:
Before we discuss a specific solution, the foundation needs to be explored. Shidduch dating does not come with an instruction manual handed out at seminary graduations. Understanding the human psyche can help us determine the basics of what it takes to produce healthy relationships. Situations commonly surface during the courtship period. Some people choose to ignore that gnawing feeling in the heart, while others face it head-on. I appreciate the latter response you articulate.
Although you are in the advanced process of dating, wherein serious discussions are taking place with regard to engagement plans and apartments, you inadvertently became apprised of a shocking discovery. Finding those items must have been a bewildering moment for you as you were smitten with feelings of shock and betrayal.
Based on the actuality that those poker chips and receipts belong to the guy and not that of an acquaintance or family member, you are cleverly cognizant that this matter should not be taken lightly. From your letter, it is apparent you comprehend that this guy might be in a predicament which is harmful to him. I am not suggesting outright that this young man is suffering from a gambling addiction, but keep your mind open to the likely possibility.
In layman’s terms, addiction is a behavior pattern which can lead to dependence. If it becomes compulsive, gambling can be considered as addictive as substance abuse. It is not to be perceived as benign. If that is the case, gambling, as other addictions, are usually co-occurring. In essence, an individual who suffers from a gambling addiction oftentimes will also sustain other addictions as well. The dependency of compulsive gambling leads those afflicted to experience the same reaction as that of the effects of alcohol and other drugs. Just as a person develops tolerance to drugs and alcohol, the same effects will eventually occur with compulsive gambling. Furthermore, in an effort to obtain more money in feeding this negative pattern, the gambler will attempt dangerous measures as a result of his obsession, placing his life and that of family members in danger.
There is much emotional information to digest and physically react to. In order to deal with this matter, you must bring it up to the guy in a courteous manner. When you speak to this fellow, create an alliance to connect intellectually with him. Incorporate consistent eye contact throughout the conversation. Do not interrupt as he speaks, and be non-judgmental, as you do not want to incur within him a fight-or-flight response. Be mindful that you might not like his reply and that he may refuse to acknowledge your concerns. Allow your strong sense of perception and intuition to guide you with accuracy.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.

Matty Sod:
This incident is obviously eating away at you, so of course you should bring it up to him. Communication should be first and foremost in any serious relationship. Also, if you are a relatively young person, you should definitely mention this incident to your parents. Depending on what exactly is going on here, you may need their help and advice.
This may or may not be a serious issue. Scenario #1: The poker chips and receipts may not even be his. The same way your young man was kind enough to loan his car to you, he may have been kind enough to loan it to someone else. Scenario #2: The poker chips and receipts may be his and he went on a fun trip with some friends. It may have just been a one-time thing or something that he does for fun on very rare occasions. Scenario #3: The worst-case scenario here would be if he is truly addicted to gambling. Compulsive gamblers, like other addicts, are often in denial and will even refuse to admit that they have a problem and refuse to get help. In which case you have a real problem. Living with any sort of addict is very difficult and emotionally draining. Besides the obvious financial issues involved in living with a gambling addict, addiction absolutely ruins relationships and marriages.
So, in a nice way, tell him exactly what you told us. You were trying to open the trunk and accidentally opened the glove compartment. Pay attention to his response and reaction. If he says it was one of the first two scenarios, ask him who borrowed his car or which friends were with him. You or your parents can do a little checking and try to verify his story. If everything “checks out,” then it doesn’t seem like there’s too much of a problem here. But if he gets angry, “explodes,” or vehemently denies knowing anything, you may have a serious problem on your hands and some serious choices to make. Please choose wisely.
Much hatzlachah to you!
Matty Sod has been an active shadchanis for over 15 years. In addition to making shidduchim, she mentors singles throughout the dating process. She has written many articles on shidduchim and can be reached at mattysod@verizon.net.

Rabbi Yair Hoffman:
This is definitely a matter that you should bring up with him. There are two reasons for this. The first is that it seems from your reaction that this is, quite understandably, a lifestyle that you are not comfortable with. Visiting casinos is a no-no for most people and certainly someone at this stage of his life should not be visiting them. Generally speaking, people continue to do after marriage what they have been doing before marriage.
The second reason is that there is also a chance that he may have an addictive gambling habit. Unfortunately, there have been numerous cases, even, R’l, in our communities, where people develop a gambling addiction. The repercussions of such addictions include stealing from family members (including credit cards, forging of checks, etc.), stealing in general (and ending up going to jail), and even worse. The pressure placed upon innocent wives of such gambling addicts are enormous.
Now, how to bring it up? Just say it: “There is something that I am not so comfortable bringing up, but last month when you were gracious enough to loan me your car, I saw these poker chips and casino receipts. What is up with that? Please be honest.”
Rabbi Yair Hoffman, a 5TJT contributing editor, is a mechanech, author, lecturer, and rabbi. He can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com.