Thousands of people follow the Weight Watchers program, and chances are good that, out of all of them, I would win the prize for being the slowest loser—if such an award existed. To the best of my knowledge, however, no such award does exist. Thanks to my unyielding determination, I’ve been attending weekly meetings for more than two years. I choose not to be too specific or to calculate the exact number of meetings that adds up to, but it’s well over 100.
Being a creature of habit, I attend the same meeting each week by going on the same day and at the same hour. For that reason, I see the same people each week and listen to the same lecturer. My lecturer is a terrific red-haired Irish Catholic gal by the name of Rivka Leah. Just wanted to be sure that readers are paying attention! Actually, her name is Eileen.
In 1982, a song entitled “Come on Eileen” was released by a group known as Dexy’s Midnight Runners. The song was a number-one hit in the UK but, because it wasn’t popular in the United States, I heard it only once. Therefore I have no idea what the lyrics are. Twenty-eight years is a long time to remember the words to a song one hears but a single time. However, the melody as well as the title has recently returned to haunt me, and I think of it as my own personal theme song.
That’s because, while I try hard to live by what the real-live Eileen tells me to do, I don’t always succeed. And I often get the urge to sing out, “Come on Eileen,” and to add the following words: “cut me some slack.” But it wouldn’t matter, because she wouldn’t do it. The real Eileen, while being an understanding soul, isn’t big on cutting anyone slack, because she knows very well that excuses serve no purpose. Unfortunately, excuses are my specialty.
All is not lost. I have shed some weight. Unfortunately, I regained some, lost it again, etc. And the beat goes on. It’s what Eileen calls the Weight Watchers cha-cha. While I am definitely ahead of the game, my progress is disturbingly slow and, as Eileen often points out at the meetings, “maintaining an overweight status is not what Weight Watchers is about!” She is, of course, correct.
People like me should get credit just for going to meetings. When Eileen asks us if anyone would like to tell the group what her weight loss is for the week, several hands go up. One at a time, she calls on those people, and occasionally she will go on to ask, “And would you like to share with us what your total loss is so far?” She never forces anyone to speak and always says, “If anyone wants to celebrate privately you can come up to me when the meeting is over.”
Last week one woman beamed as she responded aloud for all to hear, “Fifty-six pounds so far!” After a round of applause, another person was called on. She told the group what her loss was for that week and was also asked about her total loss to date. She responded with, “Eighty-two pounds.” Again, there was applause. The gal who sits next to me is often called on, mainly for the benefit of new members who are unaware of her accomplishment, and she announced that to date she had lost 301 pounds. What went on in that room gives new meaning to the phrase thunderous applause.
At a typical revival meeting, people shout out; at a typical Weight Watchers meeting, people applaud. My hands were raw from all the clapping. I had lost 1.6 pounds that week, but I didn’t raise my hand. I never do. I keep quiet about my occasional weekly successes for fear that I will be asked about my total loss and, although I know that everyone would applaud and be happy for me, I refuse to admit that my total is a measly 26 pounds.
If only Weight Watchers International would put a suggestion box in the room! Mine would be the first slip of paper to go in, and my suggestion would be that the organization should readjust its policy so that members pay only when they lose but don’t get charged when they gain. That would work for me! A number of years ago, a Heinz commercial boasted about being the Slowest Ketchup in the West (. . . East, North, and South). That was the height of arrogance. I’m the Slowest Loser in the East. But you don’t hear me boasting!
Those who attend Weight Watchers meetings on a long-term basis without having lost a significant amount of weight always like to fall back on the following spiel: “I haven’t lost much, but just think how much I’d have gained if I didn’t go to meetings!” We make that silly claim because we like to reassure ourselves that we’re not wasting our time—not to mention our money. People are allowed to attend as many meetings as they wish each week, but they pay only once. Still, if one is doing the “Weight Watchers cha-cha,” paying even once a week is a costly proposition. Every member aspires to lose all her excess poundage and reach her goal weight. At that point she goes on a maintenance program and attains the coveted status known as “Lifetime.” Lifetime members pay no fee, provided they weigh in at a meeting once a month and gain no more than two pounds.
It appears that I’m ahead of my time. I manage to be a lifetime member without having reached my goal weight and without having been designated as “Lifetime” by Weight Watchers International. Admittedly, there is some frustration on my part, but there are some rewards as well. Although this wasn’t my intended objective, I’ve made many new friends over the years. And that includes our lecturer. In fact, by now I know Eileen so well that if I were making a bar mitzvah or a wedding, I would invite her to my simcha.
A better idea might be to invite her to my house and into my life. Making her part of my everyday existence would keep me honest. She wouldn’t have to utter a word. I would simply need to glance in her direction and that would stop me from doing the wrong thing. She has become my conscience as well as my alter ego. But I know that I’m on my own here, and the only one who’s responsible for me is me. Now and then I try to convince myself that I’m just a slow loser, but that’s disingenuous. What I really am is a slow learner! That’s the way it is.

Hannah Berman lives in Woodmere and is a licensed real-estate broker associated with Marjorie Hausman Realty. She can be reached at Savtahannah@aol.com or 516-902-3733.