The Afterlife

One of the questions that arises in a philosophical discussion of who is in control of our destiny is: does Hashem run our lives or does man have freedom of choice?
Rabbi Yehoshua Geller explains that indeed man has freedom of choice. However, the outcomes of those choices are determined solely by Hashem.
This then poses an interesting question: If one’s neshamah plans out his next incarnation while he is still up in the Sanctuary of Souls, then his objective is to reach a certain outcome by dint of his following in a certain path. Hashem may sanction this plan, but it is put into motion by the neshamah at his own behest. Hence, it would seem that one’s destiny lies in the hands of the neshamah.
But is this really so? Let us now turn to an example: King David’s desire to marry Bat-Sheva was made possible by sending Uri HaChiti, who was married to Bat-Sheva, to the front lines of a war (where he was killed) thus clearing the path for King David. While in this case Hashem was displeased with the manner in which King David handled the situation, it did ultimately lead to Shlomo HaMelech being born of the union of David and Bat-Sheva.
Oftentimes this kind of move will be done by Hashem behind the scenes in order to allow certain unions to happen. Even one who is betrothed to a woman will not necessarily enter into marriage with her if it is determined (by Hashem) that he is not fit (spiritually) to merit her. So as painful as it is to conceive of Hashem as having caused the death of someone in order to make this happen, this, according to the Zohar, is one way in which the Al-mighty works.
It is daunting to think of dating and marriage in these terms. But the reality is that we all have one soul mate, and we long to find him/her.
Each soul comprises two parts—a male and female. They can descend to Earth at different times, thus causing difficulty in finding one another. The difference could be as much as five or ten years or more. Meeting will be dependent upon the man reaching a certain level of spirituality before meriting the opportunity to meet with his female counterpart. But Hashem intervenes when the time is ripe for soul mates to cling to one another. Whoever is standing in the way at the time is liable to be detoured elsewhere. I should add that this “detour” may not always end up in death—certainly divorce is another option that is out there.
I was once asked by a young widow: “I am convinced that my husband was my true soul mate. So what am I supposed to do now with the rest of my life? After all, if my purpose in life was to come and volunteer to help my soul mate reach his tikkun, so now that it has been attained, how do I carry on? Am I allowed to get married again? How can I marry again knowing that the next guy I marry will not be my soul mate? What kind of a marriage can that be? Perhaps I will remain single for the rest of my life!”
Her words were piercingly painful. What can one say to such a woman?
Rabbi Chaim Vital once told a story of a woman who was happily married to a simple man and they had seven sons. Shortly after the seventh son was born, the husband succumbed to an illness and passed away. So bitter was this woman for a few years thereafter, that even her own sons could not comfort her through the singing of zemirot on Shabbat. One night she had a dream wherein she was taken to the next world by a guide and led to a sanctuary where her husband was giving a derashah to a crowd of talmidei chachamim.
At the end of the derashah she was given permission to approach her husband. When she asked him, “Why did you leave me?” he explained that in a previous incarnation he was a very learned rabbi and after he died he reached a very high level in Gan Eden. But the angels challenged him and said that because he did not marry and have children in his previous lifetime, he could not advance to a higher level in Gan Eden. Thus he decided to return to Earth to marry and have children. He came down as a simple man because he needed to earn a modest living in order to support his family. In the meantime his congregants, whom he left behind in Gan Eden, implored him to come back already—it was excruciating for them to be without their spiritual leader up in heaven. Hearing their cries, he returned his soul to his Maker.
Upon hearing all this, his wife understood. He promised they would reunite someday, but for now she must return and raise their children. He gave her his blessing to find another man to marry in order to have an intact family and for her to live a happy, productive life.
Perhaps this story puts things into perspective. It may bring a modicum of comfort to young widows. Certainly, it gives us some insight into what goes on behind the scenes. The freedom of choice was there for this holy neshamah to descend to Earth and accomplish his mission. The outcome, however, was made possible by Hashem, who answered his plea to return to his congregation.
But what of those left behind? Maybe the wife could somehow manage to understand what took place here, but what of her young children? Why should the cries of those talmidei chachamim up in heaven carry more weight than the seven sons he left behind?
I don’t propose to know the answer. All I could say is that perhaps another man needs the merit of stepping in to such a family so that he too can reach whatever tikkun he is to attain.
The bottom line is that while we need to be attracted to our spouse and have a financial base of support, the most essential ingredients for a happy marriage are inner beauty, a sweet heart, and a steadfast and dependable source of moral support. It is only when we look for those elements that we have a chance of finding our soul mate.

Dr. Bernie Kastner is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Jerusalem and Ramat Bet Shemesh. He is also the author of “Understanding the Afterlife in This Life” and “Masa El Haor.” Feel free to visit his website at drbkastner.com. He can be reached at bdk15@caa.columbia.edu.