By Esther Mann, LCSW

Dear Esther,

I’m 46 years old and the mother of five. I’m one of those old-fashioned women who absolutely adored being home with my children and raising them without much outside help. I loved sitting on the floor playing games, baking cookies with the girls, even playing ball with the boys. Those were the best years of my life.

Many of my friends were also home raising their children. We’d walk together with our strollers and compare notes about our lives. We enjoyed preparing dinner for our families and got involved in PTA and the shul sisterhood.

What’s been happening over the past few years, as our children are growing up and don’t really need that much time from us anymore, is that many of my friends are going out to work. A few went back to school, others dusted off some old degrees that they were still able to put to good use, and some are working for their husbands or have found other means of employment.

I feel lonely, as there is no one around to hang out with during the day. My children are in school all day and then some, and how much housekeeping and cooking can any one woman really do? I’m feeling a void in my life and also feel like I’m falling behind my circle of friends as they each grow into some kind of fulfilling career.

To be honest, I always hated school. I was never a particularly good student, and the thought of going back to school makes me break out in a cold sweat. So I know that getting a degree is out of the question for me.

The thought of standing behind a counter somewhere selling a product also leaves me cold. It’s just not my thing. I don’t think I’d be a very good saleswoman.

The only thing I can think of is becoming a teacher, but I don’t have the degree–and without it, I’m told, it’s not going to happen.

I’ve never been an insecure person in the past, but now I’m starting to feel “less than,” like suddenly I’m not as capable as everyone else. When my friends ask me what I’m up to, I feel as though anything I say sounds pathetic. They are all hustling and even complaining about how hard it is, but at the end of the day they feel good about themselves. I’m not feeling so good about myself anymore.

I think I was born in the wrong generation. I know my mother never had this issue. But times have changed and I haven’t changed with the times. Any suggestions?

Feeling Worthless

 

Dear Feeling Worthless,

I believe many people would agree with me that being a mother is the hardest, most challenging job in the world. Whether or not you’ve loved every minute of it, it demands skills like no other occupation. To be a really good mother requires a selfless nature, a great degree of empathy, the ability to connect with others, and an acute understanding of human nature. Not to mention the physicality of it all.

It sounds to me like you were a very good mother; your genuine enjoyment of motherhood tells me that it was accomplished with tremendous love. The skills that you possess will always be with you as you continue to shower your children with everything they need to thrive. You may no longer need to get down on the floor and play Barbie, but don’t underestimate the value of what you still bring to your family. And because of that, you really shouldn’t be feeling any less worthwhile–now or ever.

However, there does still seem to be a void in your day. And without a degree or a connection to a specific area of work, the search for a job that is fulfilling enough to motivate you to leave your home can be frustrating. My suggestion to you is to find volunteer work that involves children. It sounds as though being around children is something you truly enjoy, and there are so many organizations looking for volunteers that require a commitment of this nature. Being successful at a job isn’t necessarily about bringing home the paycheck. It’s about making a difference in the world, bringing something of value into other people’s lives. Sometimes we don’t even realize how valuable our presence can be when we interact with others who are challenged in one way or another.

Just as an aside, sometimes volunteer work turns into a paying job. The experience one gets from actually rolling up one’s sleeves and getting busy is often more meaningful than sitting in a classroom and earning a degree.

I don’t believe we are all meant to be alike and to follow the same path. I do believe we are meant to live our authentic lives, being true to ourselves and following our inner voice. Just because your friends are moving in one direction doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to follow the crowd. That’s how we can ultimately risk losing ourselves and our very essence. Always remember who you are and who you were meant to be, and figure out your next move based on your special gifts and desires.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

 

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