Dear Esther,

I’m fuming. I’ve had it. I thought I had this thing under control, but I realize now that I really don’t, and as Pesach is just a few days away, I’m really angry.

Five years ago, my daughter married a young man from California. He’s a wonderful guy and we love him dearly. They live in New York now, and we’re thrilled that we get to see our children and two grandchildren. Everyone is so busy–I work full time, as does my daughter–so it’s not like we see each other daily. But that doesn’t bother me. I have a lot of other wonderful things going on in my life; my life doesn’t consist of being with my children and grandchildren every day.

However, because our son-in-law’s parents live in California and see their children and grandchildren a lot less often than we do, they insist that they go to them for every holiday–even American holidays, like Thanksgiving weekend. The first year they were married, I was still so happy and distracted that I didn’t see the flaw in their thinking. I even kind of felt sorry for them, being so far away. And so I took it on the chin, and we said our goodbyes before each holiday.

As time went on, I started realizing that this was not fair. Our mechutanim also have three other married children, and aside from one, who lives in California, the rule applies to them as well. They’ve made it absolutely clear that all their children are to spend holidays with them. End of story. Nothing to discuss.

As my oldest grandchild is getting older, I realize that I desperately want her (and of course the whole family) with us for the Sedarim and other yom tov celebrations. We haven’t spent a yom tov together in ages, and at this point I feel it’s preposterous. My son-in-law’s mother is a tough woman. I like her, but I’ve always tiptoed around her. It’s her way or the highway. I see how her four children dance around her and would never dare defy her.

For a while now, I’ve been bringing this issue up to my daughter, and though she is very compassionate toward us and understands why we feel so dismissed, she believes she has to stand by her man. I would like to press further, but I don’t want to get in the middle of her shalom bayis with her husband and am afraid to press too hard.

I actually once tried to carefully say something to my son-in-law, but he practically turned white at the thought of disappointing his mother. Boy, has she done some job on her kids! And what really got to me was that he said that since they’ve set up a tradition of spending all the holidays together with his parents, it was too late to change the tradition.

So now what? I’ve tried talking to everyone and have gotten nowhere. I’m starting to feel a little abused, like my feelings and my husband’s feelings don’t matter at all. We’ve become second-class citizens. Where I come from, people are thoughtful and consider the other person’s feelings. No one gets everything–it’s all about compromise.

I’m feeling hopeless right now and wonder whether there is something I haven’t thought to do.

Lonely on Pesach

Dear Lonely,

I’ve heard this story before. The story of one set of parents expecting–or rather demanding–that all their children spend every holiday with them. It’s a mind-boggling concept. And often, it’s not even because they live out of town and have less access to their children. It’s just based on some sense of entitlement that is quite disturbing. So though your story is extremely upsetting, you are not alone.

It’s hard to understand how parents can act in such a selfish way, as if they were the only parents standing. Perhaps there are situations where “the other side” can’t host their children or don’t want to host their children. Sometimes we’re dealing with a ba’al teshuvah type of situation and there’s nothing to talk about. Sometimes in-laws live in small apartments and literally don’t have the room to have their children move in for a yom tov. Sometimes there are messy situations involving divorce or other problems that preclude hosting children for yamim tovim. But when both sides have perfectly suitable situations and one side decides they are the only game in town, it’s nothing short of self-centered behavior.

You mentioned that you’ve spoken to everyone and have gotten nowhere. But you didn’t go directly to the source, your son-in-law’s mother. My guess is that she must be an intimidating individual, since you are not running to take her on. But I believe the solution lies with her, since her son and your daughter can’t even imagine going against her wishes. But, despite her tough presence, I’m wondering why you haven’t spoken to her about your feelings. You haven’t mentioned that you two have a problematic relationship, so I’m assuming the lines of communication are open. Though she wants what she wants, maybe there is a way to approach her–woman to woman–that might soften her heart and create within her a bit empathy for your family.

Right now, that is the only option for you. Is there a downside? There’s always a downside to any type of confrontation. But it sounds as though dealing with a little anger directed at you, or risking a less-than-wonderful relationship with her, is a small price to pay for the opportunity of having your children spend at least some of the yamim tovim with you and your family.

But go into this conversation with a positive attitude and a “woman-to-woman, we understand each other” approach. Validate her feelings about living so far away and not having easy access to her children and grandchildren. Agree that it must be painful, and tell her you can’t even imagine how hard it must be on her and her husband to be so far away from the kids. After extending much thoughtfulness, move in for the kill. Tell her that, nevertheless, it’s just not acceptable any longer for the children to spend every holiday only with her and her family, and that you’d like to work out a schedule that is acceptable to both of you.

I can’t give you any guarantees that this will work, but sometimes bullies back down when someone actually fights back a little. Until now, you and your husband have gone along with her meshugas without a peep. For all you know, she has no idea how great a hardship this has been for the two of you. So, though it’s probably too late for this year, when you call her to wish her a good yom tov before Pesach, mention casually that you’re sad about not being with the children for Pesach and that after yom tov, you plan on discussing future arrangements with her. Keep at it. Make noise, let your needs be known, and very possibly you’ll be able to turn this thing around.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

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