By Esther Mann, LCSW

Dear Esther,

My friend Linda and I have been close for many years. We’ve been there for one another through thick and thin. We’ve celebrated each other’s smachot and also offered shoulders to lean on during bad times. We both knew that each of us was the “go-to” for the other.

Close to a year ago, Linda’s husband told her that he wanted a divorce. When he made this announcement to her, he must have been thinking about it for a while, because he was ready to go. He already had an apartment lined up and was all packed up and out of there in no time.

Obviously, Linda was devastated. As soon as I heard the news, I ran over to her house to comfort her and help her figure out if there were any options to rescue her marriage. Despite tremendous efforts by both of us, we learned very quickly that her husband’s mind was made up and there was nothing to do. But I was there for her constantly. She would call me all the time, sometimes even in the middle of the night. Though I work, I would take her calls, sometimes worrying that I could possibly lose my job over all the time I spent on the phone with her. I was trying to keep her together. She was so depressed and scared. She desperately needed me to keep her grounded.

Plus, she was petrified of sleeping alone. Her youngest son was in Israel for the year and her older children are out of the house. Sometimes I would even invite her to sleep over when she was feeling particularly desperate. Other times, I would practically talk her to sleep.

Though it’s been close to a year, Linda still leans on me heavily. Some of her other good friends seem to have lost her number, which we both feel is just disgusting, though I understand why they may have felt too put-upon. I’m sure her neediness got the better of them and they decided to end the relationship, because they felt they couldn’t be there for her in such a major way. I’ve been loyal to her through it all and want to remain her rock.

However, I think that some of my other relationships are suffering as a result of the amount of time I spend with Linda in person or on the phone. My husband, who is such a doll, feels very sorry for Linda. At the beginning, he was encouraging of my supportive role that entailed spending crazy amounts of time with her. He never resented the long, draining phone calls or even the few times when I ran over to her at night or invited her to sleep at our house. But lately, I see that he is running out of patience and has even said that he wants his wife back. He feels that I’m not there for him full-time, which is true.

I also find I don’t have enough time to spend with the rest of my family and friends. Since I work, I don’t have unlimited downtime. And since so much of it is spent helping Linda cope, there isn’t much left over for other people who were once a bigger part of my life. I miss my old friends and, honestly, my old life. But I would never betray Linda. I don’t know how she would have made it through without me and I don’t intend to suddenly drop her. On the flip side, however, I feel like I have to limit the amount of time we spend talking and being together.

I don’t know how to make this transition to a less-intense relationship. It’s certainly not as extreme as it was when she was first going through the divorce, but she still won’t hesitate to call me at some of the most inappropriate times, without thinking that maybe it’s not OK. She just assumes that I’ll always be there for her. That my home will always be open for her to join us for a Shabbos meal, that my husband would never mind if she joined us on a Saturday night to see a movie or grab a bite to eat.

How do I change our relationship? I know how hurt she was when other friends pulled away; I don’t want to put her through that hardship, especially from me–I really don’t know how she would survive such a blow. But I know that something has to be done because I can’t continue this way. How do you suggest that I make changes now?

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

You are a terrific friend to Linda! I’m sure there are many women reading your letter who are going through or have gone through what Linda has gone through, and wish that they had a friend like you in their lives and know what a difference it could have made. You’ve been a selfless friend, and your intense feelings for Linda and concern for her well-being have led you to be her greatest support. However, as with all good things, limits matter. Boundaries are important. And finally, as with all relationships, we do teach others how to treat us. You have taught Linda very well. She has learned that no matter the time, the day, or the circumstances, you will always put her well-being first.

I’m not so sure that this was such a great lesson for her to learn. It sounds like you’re starting to figure out for yourself that because of your tremendous compassion and desire to always come through for her, you’ve set into motion a relationship that cannot and should not be sustained. You are abandoning other major relationships in your life and also abandoning your own needs for a more balanced, normal life.

Let’s first look at why you allowed things to go so far with Linda. What motivated you to be a “help-aholic” to the extreme? What is this need you have to save the day by saving Linda? Frankly, does one have to throw everyone else in one’s life to the back of the bus in order to feel like a superhero? Those are some important questions you need to ask yourself, as I’m sure these tendencies may have compromised some other relationships in your life. So start with a little self-analysis and try to understand what’s underneath your desire to save Linda.

Yes, loyalty is a wonderful thing, and probably not enough people understand what loyalty should really look like. But we all need to find the right balance with which to live a satisfying life, with proper priorities and an appropriate distribution of love to go around to everyone we are connected to.

Though we can’t turn back the clock, from the beginning you probably could have handled Linda’s situation in a better way. You initially showed up for her in a major way, and at that moment of shock and crisis, having a friend there for her was critical and you did the right thing. However, it sounds to me that you not only played the role of her friend, but you also played the role of her therapist, her one and only sounding board, and her number-one quick-dial. At that point, you probably should have encouraged her to seek professional help. A therapist doesn’t take the place of a friend, but a therapist should have been able to help her move through this shocking event, and also encourage her to be more independent, be more respectful of her friends’ lives, and learn how to live on her own without you as a crutch.

There lies your key. I think you need to encourage Linda to seek professional help. Explain to her that though you hope to always be her very close friend and will always be there for her, you feel as though the nature of your relationship has become a little overwhelming, as she seems to depend on you so much. This is a tough conversation to have and I would therefore suggest that you offer to attend the first session with her, so that you both have an opportunity to voice your concerns and even fears. If Linda is agreeable, you should experience some pullback from Linda, which you will hopefully welcome and support.

If Linda is appalled at the idea of seeing a therapist (after all, she has you–why would she need a therapist?), your only option is to slowly make changes. You don’t have to answer every phone call. You don’t have to stay on the phone for hours. You are allowed to tell her that you won’t be available this Shabbos to host her because you and your husband can use a quiet Shabbos together, but that you hope to see her the following Shabbos. Make your moments together wonderful and satisfying for both of you. But not every moment has to be a “Linda moment.” You’re allowed to go out with another couple and not include her.

I suspect that this might feel strange to you. If it does, I again encourage you to examine your own feelings in all of this and determine whether you have certain needs that were being met through this intense relationship.

Close to a year has passed since the divorce. This is a great time for Linda to figure some things out for herself. And maybe there are some learning opportunities here for you as well. Good luck to both of you.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

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