By Esther Mann, LCSW

Dear Esther,

My friend Gitty and I have been living parallel lives for as far back as I can remember. We’ve known each other since elementary school and have attended the same schools and camps throughout our lives. We even went to the same seminary in Israel after high school. We started dating around the same time, and the type of young men who were suggested for her could have been suggested for me, as we had almost identical “wish lists” when it came to the type of man we wanted to marry. We were looking for the same hashkafah, the same background, same life goals, middos, etc. We got married within six months of each other. And that’s where the similarities ended.

Gitty is married to the most wonderful man imaginable. He is kind and sensitive and easy to be around. He always puts her needs first and really is a perfect husband. She is so lucky. My husband, Baruch, seemed very much like Gitty’s husband–on paper. However, once I got married to him, I saw qualities in him that I don’t think were obvious when we were dating. Baruch is very good at impressing people. If he wants you to think he is the greatest guy to be around, he knows how to flash his charm and make people fall in love with him. But in reality, he is not that charming, fun person. Baruch is an angry person, but somehow he was able to cover it up before we were married.

Now that we’ve been married for over a year, I know the true Baruch, and he is not a nice man. Though I guess you wouldn’t call him abusive, I find myself on edge a lot, worrying about what might make him upset. Our home is not a relaxed, happy home like the one I grew up in. It feels tense when he’s around. But I’m not writing to you about the state of my marriage. I know I’m not going anywhere, since we already have a baby. Though I’m not sure I even love Baruch at this point, I know I’ll have to make the best of things.

I’m writing to you because I find myself thinking about Gitty and her wonderful marriage all the time, with tremendous envy. It’s not that I don’t want the best for Gitty. I love her and want her to be happy. It’s just that I want what she has. I want the wonderful husband and marriage. I want to be carefree and joyful like I used to be and the way Gitty seems to be now. I want her life, not mine. I’m feeling very guilty over these thoughts and feelings. I know that jealousy is a terrible thing and I try to get myself to look away. But we are still such good friends and spend a lot of time together. It’s just so hard for me to avoid thinking that when it came to marriage, she won the jackpot and I struck out. We did all the same things, had all the same values, pursued the very same type of husband, and hers turned out to be the real deal, while mine is far from it.

How do I deal with these oppressive thoughts that make me feel angry, sad, and jealous? I don’t like myself at all when I go to this place. It feels so bitter and ugly. I want to be able to feel pure joy for Gitty without thinking about myself. I don’t like this envious person that I’ve become. In fact, I feel ashamed of myself for being this way. How do I get myself to stop feeling so envious of Gitty and instead be my best self, which I don’t think is anything close to who I am right now? I want to be a better person. Is that even possible?

Jealous

 

Dear Jealous,

Right now you’re dealing with two enormous challenges. One of your challenges you seem to be willing to accept and make the most of, and the other challenge you feel you should have the strength of character to override. And that character trait, which is making you feel so down on yourself, is your feeling of envy toward your very close friend Gitty.

Let’s first try to understand envy a little better. Though you sign off your letter with “Jealous,” which actually defines an emotion related to the fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else, these two words are often interchanged. What really matters, though, is the feeling you describe, which is in fact envy. Envy is the emotion of coveting what someone else has.

It’s easy to cringe at the thought of being envious because that word speaks volumes. First and foremost, it’s one of the Aseret HaDibrot. It’s therefore hard to face the fact that we can be guilty of committing such an egregious sin. But envy comes in different forms and has different implications. Some people might even go so far as to say that a little envy is helpful, because it’s a natural emotion that can actually motivate action. It all depends on what kind of hold envy has on an individual. In your case, your longing to have what Gitty has does not accompany any ill will intended toward her. That’s very significant.

When feelings of envy are so powerful that they have you in their grip, breeding dissatisfaction, discontent, unhappiness, low self-esteem, and negative thoughts about the individual being envied, it becomes virtually impossible to live with and can in fact feel like poison–and it is poison.

But it sounds like, in your case, you do not bear a grudge toward Gitty, though you do covet what she has and enjoys. But it is so understandable why you are reacting in this way. For most of your life, Gitty has basically served as a mirror that you’ve held up to yourself, reflecting back to you who you are. Now, you look in that mirror, and the reflection is off, not accurate, faulty. It would be nearly impossible for you not to have some kind of reaction.

For you to expect yourself to be oblivious to the disparity between your husband and Gitty’s husband would be unreasonable. However, by now you have no doubt discovered that life is very complex and everyone is dealing with their own profound struggles. If not in this moment, then at some future date. That alone should serve as a reminder that it’s never wise to look too closely at anyone else’s life, since you never really know what’s going on behind closed doors and what other obstacles someone might be facing that you are not. So, though you can’t help but notice the differences between your two husbands, it’s important that you do not hyper-focus on that one specific area of your life and forget about all the other parts of your life that are satisfying and successful.

In the spirit of viewing your envy as not necessarily something that is totally hostile and negative, but rather an opportunity for inspiration, ask yourself what you might do to improve your situation. Have you tried going to couples’ therapy with your husband? Have you tried individual therapy to make sure that you’re doing the best you can to get your needs met and to bring out the best in your husband? Are you focusing enough on other areas of your life that can offer you great satisfaction and fulfillment? Ask yourself what in fact is in your control to change.

By understanding that your reaction would be pretty typical for most people (whether or not they would admit it), and by ultimately using these feelings as a change agent for a more satisfying life, you can replace your feelings of apprehension and self-judgment with a kinder and more effective response toward yourself.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

 

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