By Mordechai Schmutter

Today I have some depressing news from the Office of National Statistics in England. The Office of National Statistics, according to their press materials, is the UK’s largest independent producer of official statistics. And if they say so, it must be true. Who could disprove it? This happens to be a valuable position to be in anyway, because statistics show that if you say “Statistics show” at the beginning of a statement, people will take you seriously.

Anyway, according to the ONS, “Wealthier people have a greater sense of wealth and happiness.”

Wealthy people have a greater sense of wealth? Wow. That’s profound.

But what’s profound is that they’re saying that rich people are happier, on average. Just in case you were ever trying to decide whether to have more money or less money, their money is on more money. Now you can make an informed decision.

This seems like an obvious thing to say, but it also seems to conflict with the famous expression that says “Money can’t buy happiness,” which was coined (oy) by the rich so we won’t take any of their money. There’s only a certain amount of money to go around.

But is it true? Personally, I don’t know if money can buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Lexus than on a bicycle. Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything.

But this new statistic isn’t some theory; it’s based on an actual poll. They asked thousands of people to rate their happiness on a scale of 0—10, and people with more money gave higher numbers.

This doesn’t mean that as people get more money, they become happier. Maybe happier people make more money. It’s like the Mishnah says in Avos: “Who is wealthy? One who’s happy with his lot.” That’s how you get there.

OK, so that’s probably not what the Mishnah means. At least as far as I know.

  1. The Mishnah is talking about actual happiness, whereas the study was about how happy people felt at the moment of the poll, relative to other people.
  2. Maybe happier people have more time to take a poll. Rich people who have time to take a poll are happy, whereas poor people who have time to take a poll are unemployed.
  3. It could be that the general British public does not know Pirkei Avos.

But as far as the expression “money can’t buy happiness,”  I think it’s meant to be literal. You can’t walk into the store and say, “I’d like five pounds of happiness, please. Wait, is that fresh? If it’s not fresh, I’m not going to be happy.”

But really the expression should be “Money doesn’t buy lasting happiness.” You buy something, you’re happy for a few minutes, and then you’re not happy anymore. You take the money, you buy a new refrigerator, and you’re happy for a little bit, and after a while, you’re not happy anymore. But that’s because they don’t make refrigerators like they used to.

And there’s definitely some happiness in money. Any boss who wants to make his employees happy doesn’t say, “OK, let’s hire a clown.” He gives them more money. So I guess the question is what happiness means. If it means less stress, then yes, having more money causes less stress.

Or does it? After all, we also have a tradition that “Marbeh nechasim, marbeh da’agah–More money, more worries,” which basically means that if a poor person’s car breaks down, he has to get out and pop the hood, whereas if a rich person’s helicopter breaks down, popping the hood is a lot more stressful. But no one works hard for years so they can have more problems. So there’s also some level of happiness that they’re trying for there.

Maybe richer people can afford better therapists.

But yes, there are reasons you can be happy, in the sense that there is a certain lack of worry about what’s going to happen if something bad occurs someday–like a leaky roof or chas v’shalom an injury–because don’t worry, we have the money. We’re covered. You don’t want to be constantly biting your fingernails from stress, because that’s hard to do when you’re holding on by your fingernails in the first place, and that’s how the injuries happen.

According to the study, physical possessions have little effect on happiness. Apparently, the stuff money buys can’t buy happiness; it’s just the money that buys happiness. Money buys happiness, but only if you keep the money. But then what’s the point of having money? Money isn’t inherently useful. What are you going to do with money if you can’t spend it? Are you going to flip millions of coins to help you make major decisions?

Are you going to use the bills as bookmarks? For what? Who on earth needs a bookmark that you can’t use on Shabbos?

Do you want to pour it on a bed and roll around in it? OK, I guess if that’s what you’re going to do, money does buy happiness. But you should also be careful if you’re going to roll around in your money, because money has germs on it, from all the people who rolled around in it before you.

But in other words, the new study is saying that misers are the happiest people. The end. Good job, new study!

So I looked into it, and it turns out there have actually been a lot of different theories and studies over the years into this topic. A lot of money has been poured into it. And guess what? The scientists are still not happy. They keep doing more studies.

For example, there’s the study out of the University of Wellington that says that money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy freedom, and freedom buys happiness. If you have money, you have the freedom to make more choices. Even if you’re not going to buy a jet ski, you know that you could if you wanted to, and that makes you happy. Unless your spouse won’t let you.

There’s also a study out of the University of Denver that claims that obsessively wanting to be happy makes you less happy. But specifically not wanting to be happy doesn’t make you happy either. Apparently, you have to stumble into it.

And then there’s University of Colorado Professor Leaf Van Boven, who found that you get higher levels of happiness if you spend the money on life experiences, rather than on material possessions. Material possessions depreciate over time, plus you have to pay taxes, whereas memories of life experiences last until your memory starts going.

And yes, the vacations themselves can be stressful, but looking back, people don’t remember the stressful part. You don’t remember the hours you spent in the car trying to drown out the sound of fighting by blasting music, which woke up the baby whose cries you then had to drown out as well. You only remember the fun part. That’s why you keep taking vacations. The stressful parts are just remembered as funny. (“Hey, remember when we all got food poisoning at the same time, in that tiny hotel room? That was hilarious.”)

Buying a new phone, for example, doesn’t make you happy. You have to wait for it to come, then you have to set it up, then whenever it doesn’t work you’re like, “Uch . . .” And when it’s gone, you have no fond memories of the phone. (“Hey, remember that time I was on my phone at Chaim’s wedding? Here’s a picture of it . . . Oh, I don’t have any. Because the phone is also the camera.”) No, your final memories with your phone are all about being frustrated and yelling at it and finally deciding to pull the plug.

Anticipating a life experience is fun, while anticipating getting a new item is frustrating.

“Why isn’t it here yet? Let’s track the package; maybe that will make it come faster. They’ll see that we’re tracking it, and they’ll know we’re waiting. As opposed to everyone else on their route.”

If you are going to buy something, Leaf says, don’t buy it just to have it; buy it so that you can have better experiences and therefore better memories. Don’t buy a boat to have a boat; buy it to go boating. Don’t buy something just because it exists when it’s not really going to make new memories.

“Hey, remember the fourth phone I owned?”

“Which one was that?”

“The one after the third.”

“Oh, yeah. Memories.”

“Totally. Remember that time I showed up, and I was like, ‘I got the new phone!’ and everyone was like, ‘OK’? That was awesome.”

Anyway, now you have a more well-rounded view on the whole topic. I hope you’re happy. v

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of five books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.

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