Wedding tableBy Larry Gordon

When our first child got married in 2004, we were flying high. As novices plodding our way through new life-cycle territory, we tried not to listen to too much of the conflicting advice we were receiving from people who were old hands at the wedding-preparation drill.

Now, a decade and some change later, we are those veterans reflecting upon our experiences as we look ahead with G‑d’s graciousness to the wedding of our son Nison here in New York at the end of March.

So the first matter is what has changed so dramatically over the last dozen or so years as far as presiding over the details of seeing a young couple’s wedding day to fruition.

Probably the most discernible change over all these years is the fashion in which a shidduch, or match, as we know it, occurs. Most people involved in the system will tell you that it is largely a broken one, with too many left out of the matchmaker loop, so to speak, resulting in an inordinate number of singles raised in our yeshivas but finding it challenging to find an appropriate match, if at all.

But that is a topic for a different time. Now we are just about two months away from the big day, and despite the assiduous endeavoring to arrive at this time, the matrimonial equivalent to spring training is over and it is time, so to speak, to play ball.

The 1970s novelist Erich Segal might have expressed it best by characterizing this period with his catchall phrase: where do I begin? There are many challenging parts to providing your children with an enjoyable and even easy wedding. Before we plunge into some of the necessary as well as entertaining details, let me publicly express praise and thanks to the One Above for directing our child not just accordingly, but perfectly as well.

I think that more than anything, weddings keep us centered or shall we say balanced in a way. There you are on any given day dealing with everything from the sacred to the mundane, sometimes even within the same minute.

For example, a typical wedding-oriented conversation can run the gamut from menu items like sweetbreads and duck, to the kesubah and other matters pertaining to the chuppah. You see, that is why you have to get a grip and hold on tight for this wedding-day excursion.

Another thing you hear a lot about when people hear that you are making a child’s wedding is the date. Announcing the date usually prompts one of two predictable reactions. People are inquiring either as to why it’s so soon or why we are waiting so long.

Just as there are many enjoyable parts and even moments of euphoria that defy description, there are also painstaking and tedious things that need to get done and that will not get done unless you focus, sit down, and do them. As for most tedious, I’d venture to say that–in our case anyway–poring over and organizing lists of past weddings and bar mitzvahs that we were zocheh to celebrate can be an unsettling endeavor.

I can probably keep a diary on the items and issues that get incorporated into our daily routine now that the wedding is on the calendar. Don’t misjudge the case that I am presenting here. For my part, anyway, I am enjoying all of this immensely.

Frankly, despite the arduous tasks and mundane details that require our almost constant personal attention, this is all motivated by and interlaced with great joy. After all, what more can you ask for other than to see your children happy and doing the proper things at the appropriate stages of their young lives?

The way I see this, and the way I’ve seen the other weddings and even bar mitzvahs that we have produced–and they are a production, make no mistake about that–is that I’m really only tangentially involved in the nitty-gritty details. I get pulled in once in a while but I otherwise stay within my comfortable limits, which so far seem like a safe place to be in.

So here’s an example. I need a black suit for the wedding. OK, a nice black suit with a white shirt and a tie that expresses in some fashion that this is a unique and special occasion. Frankly, I’ve been noticing Donald Trump’s ties lately and thinking about taking a cue from his fashion statement on ties. I’ve noticed that on TV, it looks like the suits are always a well-tailored black color. The shirt is always a crisp white, and the tie is either bright red or an outstanding blue, or on occasion a subdued striped tie.

The point is that it looks presidential and looks good on him. I think the red might be a little too much for me but maybe that rich blue might be just the thing to sartorially punctuate the simchas. The other night, when the president announced his choice for the Supreme Court, he wore an interesting black-and-white striped tie which looked good, so that might be something to consider.

Then there is the other fashion matter that I am not involved in–that is the clothing the women will be wearing. There is the matter of color patterns, if I understand correctly, gowns, things to wear for the aufruf, the sheva berachos, and so on–and we are not even talking about the bride yet. Shayna, the bride, has to look for a proper wedding gown that she will be wearing at the most momentous day of her life, and Nison, the chassan, like me, has to find just the right tie.

At this point in time, as the invitations are being printed, both sides are determinedly culling their way through lists. For our partners in this extraordinary endeavor, Orly and Jeff Stern, this is their oldest child, so they are putting together their first comprehensive wedding list after two bar mitzvahs. Our task, despite our Excel sheets and thick files of old printed-out lists, is no less daunting.

Actually, this column and future ones on this topic will, if nothing else, serve as a checklist of sorts to make sure that we have everything covered going forward. There’s still a lot to do, but the one thing that I am cautiously and apprehensively anticipating are those sessions where we organize tables for the wedding and need to do the seating cards.

It will be at that point that I will remind my team that at Chabad weddings in Crown Heights, despite the assemblage of large crowds, there are never any seating cards. Somehow, as a matter of nature and course, people just gravitate to sit with other people they are most comfortable with, the simcha goes on, everyone celebrates and dines, and no one is any the worse for the wear.

So have things changed since the last wedding? Here’s my definitive answer–yes and no.

Comments for Larry Gordon are welcome at editor@5tjt.com.

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