By Five Towns Marriage Initiative

Rachel Imeinu was an akarah (barren); she had a difficult time conceiving a child. She asked her husband, Yaakov Avinu, to give her children because without children she felt like a dead person. Yaakov got angry with her for speaking this way, although her intent was to make him realize her desperation so that he would daven for her with greater intensity.

Hashem was upset with the way Yaakov responded to Rachel. At a time when sensitivity was called for, he spoke with words of anger, asking her if she thought he possessed Divine powers and that he was capable of giving her children.

Rachel needed kind words in this situation, when she was crying out in pain and relying so heavily on Yaakov. The midrash in Bereishis Rabbah says that Yaakov was punished measure for measure, when his children were dependent on Yosef, the son of Rachel, for their salvation in Egypt, and Yosef dealt with them harshly–just as Yaakov had dealt harshly with Rachel when she depended on him.

There are times when one may feel that an angry or harsh response to a spouse is justifiable. Yet, although Yaakov’s words seemed to have merit, they did not prevent his children from suffering from his response. The key is sensitivity, working to understand one’s spouse, and responding to whatever situation one’s partner faces with empathy and kind words.

Most of the time, it can’t hurt to be sensitive. Going the extra mile to avoid saying something hurtful and sidestepping any topic or even word choice that might come across badly is the way to go in marriage. Similarly, we should make sure to be sensitive around an orphan by refraining from telling stories about an ongoing connection with one’s own parents, and to be sensitive to a divorcee and not rave about how amazing one’s spouse is.

And we need to learn to go out of our way to be extremely sensitive to our own spouses. If something bothers your spouse, steer clear of that, and be as careful as possible about how you speak to your spouse–even practicing in front of a mirror before having a conversation. May we merit that through raising our level of sensitivity we will raise the level of harmony and happiness within our homes.

Five Towns Marriage Initiative provides educational programs, workshops, and referrals to top marriage therapists. FTMI will help offset counseling costs when necessary and also runs an anonymous shalom bayis hotline for the entire community Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings, 10:00—11:00 p.m. For the hotline or for more information, call 516-430-5280 or e‑mail dsgarry@msn.com.

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