By Five Towns Marriage Initiative

ParashasDevarim enumerates the various places where the Jewish nation angered Hashem. Rashi points out that the places are only mentioned in a manner that hints to the fact that a sin was committed in each of these locations, and this was out of respect for the honor of the Jewish nation.

R’ Shimshon Pincus says that there is another reason why the Torah names the places rather than listing the sins. Each of these places has within its name a way to put the action in perspective and see how there is another side to the story and to what motivated the people to act as they did.

For instance, the Midbar is a place that is specifically mentioned, and we know that the Jews complained that they thought Hashem brought them to the desert to have them all killed. At the same time, the word “BaMidbar” brings to mind the fact that the Jews traveled in the Midbar and this was considered a great merit for the Jewish people–that they unfailingly followed Hashem through the desert.

Paran is another example of a place that alludes to the sin but also sheds positive light on the sinner. We learn that spies were sent forth from Paran, and that led to the sin of lashonha’ra about Eretz Yisrael, for which we now mourn on Tishah B’Av each year. At the same time, the word Paran is reminiscent of the word “paru,” to multiply. Most families of the Jewish nation at that time had many children, and we learn that it was only due to their very love for these children that they became so overcome with concern about the land, leading them to sin.

Di Zahav was the place where the Jews made a golden calf. The words “di zahav” refer to the idea that from the perspective of the Jewish people, they felt they had more than enough gold from the treasures Hashem had given them. Had Hashem not given our people the amount of gold we acquired over the course of our redemption, we never would have had enough gold to create a golden calf in the first place.

R’ Pincus explains that when giving rebuke, it must be given with a true understanding of the entire scope of the situation. There’s a difference between a person who never gives money to a pauper and someone who always gives money to the poor but one time acts out of character and does not dispense charity. While the first person would be viewed as a miser, the second person would be considered someone who made a mistake. Before making a judgment call, we have to go through the person’s merits and evaluate what brought about the sin and see if it truly stems from a place of evil. By doing this, we can then properly approach the person and rebuke him.

This approach is important to use with one’s spouse. Before we judge or become upset about how our spouses behaved in any given situation, we need to truly think about whether the act was out of character and force ourselves to go through all of the good qualities of our spouses. We will likely feel our anger and frustration dissipate a bit when we begin to view the situation in perspective. May we merit to always see the good in our spouses’ actions and to always be able to judge our spouses favorably.

Five Towns Marriage Initiative provides educational programs, workshops, and referrals to top marriage therapists. FTMI will help offset counseling costs when necessary and also runs an anonymous shalom bayis hotline for the entire community Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings, 10:00—11:00 p.m. For the hotline or for more information, call 516-430-5280 or e‑mail dsgarry@msn.com.

 

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