By Michele Herenstein

“Catch me if you can,” calls out the victim recovering from an eating disorder (ED).

“I certainly will,” cruelly cackles the eating disorder.

For anyone who thinks eating disorders are a choice, please do yourself a favor: First, do not say this aloud; second, do not even think this; and third, go read up on eating disorders and the insidious illnesses that they are. Be incredibly careful about what you say to someone with an eating disorder, because what you say can literally push someone over the edge.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, it’s an incredibly sad and depressing diagnosis, even when there is treatment. But the support surrounding the patient is usually excellent. People understand in a general sense what cancer is, and how some stages are more serious than others. No one asks for or wants cancer, and victims of this disease get empathy and compassion, as they should.

When someone is diagnosed with any mental illness–specifically an eating disorder–there is generally little compassion because there is no one to tell. And if you do admit it to someone, you might hear this: “So you have an eating disorder? Didn’t you always want to super-thin? So isn’t this a good thing?”

Unbelievable! Have you ever asked someone who just can’t eat what their level of pain is emotionally, let alone physically? Is it any wonder that those with eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental-health disorder?

It is most likely because it is not a choice, yet people with this disease have no one to tell and no one to get compassion from. The support system is virtually nil. Sadly, I can attest to this.

In my recovery stage, I was more despondent than ever. I thought I had gotten through to various people with my writings, but people said things to me that were so incredibly hurtful. And I don’t know whether people are even open to hearing what they should or should not be saying to someone who is a victim of an insidious disease, a disease which crept up on them without their choosing! Because people do not choose to have eating disorders. Never question this.

Is it not obvious that I want to recover from a terrible illness? Is it not obvious that the pain I’m in is barely tolerable? I don’t feel comfortable bothering family or friends with my heavy burdens. I wait for someone to ask–sincerely–how I’m doing. I often put on a good face, not wanting to burden people who don’t know much about what I’m going through.

The people who really want to know how I’m doing say, “I’m coming over, Michele.” Or, “I’m outside your apartment; let’s talk.” But that’s rare.

Here are some important things not to say to someone with an eating disorder. And I’d seriously advise you to read up a little about this, because what you say can hurt someone so badly that you alone can push back their recovery by several steps, or ruin it altogether.

“You don’t look sick.” This is sending the message that you don’t think their problem is real, which is a huge disservice to someone with a terrible, debilitating illness.

“There are so many calories in that.” Leave the calorie chats behind. An ED is not about calories, but talk of calories is a trigger.

“You would be prettier if you gained some weight.” That’s an extremely triggering and upsetting remark.

“Wow! You’ve lost so much weight.” This is a dangerous statement. People with EDs love to hear that they’ve lost weight; however, it fuels their disease and often causes a relapse.

“Don’t you know you’re hurting yourself?” This comes off as condescending. Of course they know that, but they often feel out of control.

“You look so healthy!” Do not say this. An eating-disordered brain–even when in recovery–knows this as code for: you’ve gained weight.

“Just eat.” Telling someone with anorexia to “just eat” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “just walk.” It simply doesn’t work like that.

“I wish I could lose weight like you.” Eating disorders are not about willpower; they are serious mental illnesses. Skip the comparisons and jealous talk.

“You’ll be fine.” If someone comes to you for help, this is one of the worst responses you can give. It indicates that you really don’t take their problems seriously.

“You’re hurting the people around you.” People with eating disorders already feel incredibly guilty about the effect their illness has on loved ones, yet they cannot do anything about it.

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Unfortunately, as hard as recovery typically is, people in our everyday lives, including our loved ones, often don’t help the healing process. It isn’t that our friends and family have bad intentions. On the contrary, I’ve found these individuals genuinely think they are saying something helpful. However, they don’t realize how their words may have the opposite effect.

Would you say to someone with cancer, “You look way too thin, even sickly. Eat!”

Of course not! You know they might be too sick to eat, and you’d never hurt their feelings by deprecating their appearance. So if you’re so concerned about not hurting victims of cancer, why are you so not concerned about victims of eating disorders? Do you think they hurt any less?

Here are some statements that you can say to someone recovering from an eating disorder:

“I know it’s difficult, but I’m proud of you.”

“You’re worth more than your eating disorder.”

“I’m here for you, and I’m not going to leave.” (One of my favorites, because so many people with this disease feel abandoned.)

“I might not always understand, but if you need someone to talk to, I will help as much as I can.”

“I love you and I care about you.”

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No one is telling you to become an expert in mental-health disorders, the same way you can’t be an expert in diabetes, cancer, thyroid issues, heart problems, and so on. But following the short lists above may make you a more empathetic and compassionate person, at least in the realm of eating disorders. Saying the right things to someone who is so vulnerable can really be lifesaving.

I know that the right words can change my mood and make me feel cared for and understood. This is most likely true for anyone suffering any disease, physical or emotional. So please be aware. Take others’ feelings into account. Hashem has given us a heart, brain, and soul for use in this world. Let’s use them to lessen the anguish of others.

Michele Herenstein is a freelance journalist and can be reached at michelesarticles@gmail.com.

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