How To Control Desire

By: Rav Reuven Taragin

Due to the problematic and potentially addictive nature of desire, the Torah instructs us to actively restrain it (Shem. 20:14). The Torah’s prohibitions presume our capacity for self-control. Hashem emphasizes this to Kayin after he became jealous of Hevel: “Sin lies at the doorway…but you can control it” (Ber. 4:7).

Self-control constitutes true strength; the Mishnah in Avot (4:1) identifies one who governs himself as the true gibor. While many perceive strength in physical terms, measuring it by the ability to control others or external circumstances, true strength lies in mastering oneself. Self-control is both the most challenging and the most significant form of strength.

Self-control, therefore, is a critical prerequisite for Avodat Hashem. The Midrash (E”R 10:3) explains that the distinction between a tzaddik and a rasha is rooted in their relationship with their emotions: The rasha is governed by his heart, while the tzaddik governs his heart.

This principle clarifies why efforts to control our yetzer hara take precedence over fulfilling certain mitzvot. The Gemara (B”M 32b) illustrates this by instructing us to assist an adversary in loading his donkey before we help a friend unload his, specifically to subdue our feelings of hatred towards an enemy. Although prioritizing the loading delays the unloading and the fulfillment of the mitzvah to care for a burdened animal (tza’ar ba’alei chaim), mastering our emotions is considered more significant.

Yosef HaTzaddik exemplified self-control. Despite the persistent advances of Potiphar’s wife, Yosef HaTzaddik remained steadfast and refused to yield (Ber. 39:7-13). His example provides guidance for strengthening our own resolve.

The Gemara (Sot. 36b) recounts that at the moment when Yosef felt tempted, he saw his father’s image in the window. Yaakov’s image encouraged him to consider the long-term consequences of his actions, explaining that the names of Yosef’s brothers would eventually be inscribed on the stones of the Ephod. Yosef’s choice to sin or to remain steadfast would determine whether his own name would be included among them.

Yaakov’s guidance to Yosef remains relevant for all of us. Immediate pleasures may be enticing, but they often divert us from our long-term objectives. When confronted by temptation, we should reflect on the enduring consequences of our choices. Instead of partaking in the fleeting pleasures of the present moment, we should pursue a meaningful long-term future.

Another strategy for self-control involves distinguishing between impulsive desires and genuine will. The Torah addresses this distinction at the beginning of Parashat Ki Teitzei in the context of the laws concerning the Eishet Yefat To’ar, a beautiful woman captured during war (Dev. 21:10-14).

The Torah employs distinct terms to differentiate between the initial desire and the ultimate decision to marry her. Initially, it uses the word “v’chashakta” (desire) to describe the attraction that led to the relationship. After a month of seeing the woman without her alluring dress and makeup, the Torah refers to the decision to marry her as “chafatzah,” indicating a more deliberate, less impulsive form of desire.

The message is clear: The initial relationship with the woman was based on misplaced physical desire. The Torah instructs the soldier to evaluate whether this relationship aligns with his true values and long-term goals. He must consider whether marrying her will support a proper life and family.

The soldier’s initial desire may be intense and overwhelming. The Torah instructs him to pause and establish circumstances that facilitate careful reflection and evaluation. This teaches us to distinguish between cheshek (lust) and chefetz (true desire), ensuring that our decisions and actions are guided by genuine will rather than impulsive longing.

Recognizing the dangers inherent in desire should motivate us to avoid its improper forms entirely. A primary method is to exercise caution in what we allow ourselves to see, thereby preventing the provocation of sinful thoughts.

Humanity’s first sin stemmed from such a flawed vision. Chavah’s decision to eat from the Etz Hadaasbegan with her observing the tree and perceiving its fruit as desirable (Ber. 3:6). Similarly, later in Sefer Bereishit, the Torah employs comparable language to explain Lot’s choice to settle in Sodom (Ber. 13:10).

Later in Tanach, the Nevi’im recount additional transgressions motivated by visual stimuli. Dovid Hamelech’s sin with Bat Sheva began when he observed her bathing. Likewise, Achan, who took from the spoils of Yericho, linked his desire to his eyes: “I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonian garment, and two hundred shekels of silver… then I coveted them, and took them” (Yehoshua 7:21).

What we see shapes our thoughts and generates desires that can lead to sin. “The eyes perceive the harlot, which then arouses desire” (Ba”R 10:2). For this reason, the Torah cautions us not to “stray after our hearts and eyes” (Bam. 15:39) and provides tzitzit as a visual corrective. As Chazal explain, “The heart and eyes are the spies for the body. They are its agents for sinning: The eye sees, the heart covets, and the body commits the sins” (Rashi). Observing the tzitzit should remind us of Hashem and our obligations to Him, helping us avoid sights that provoke sinful thoughts.

Guarding our eyes is essential for leading a proper life. Accordingly, Sefer Tehillim petitions Hashem to “turn my eyes away from seeing vanity; with Your ways, sustain my life” (Teh. 119:37). Longevity hinges upon visual discipline (Ibn Ezra). As the Ra’avad states: “If one guards his eyes, his heart is also protected. And if both of them are protected, one is completely safe” (Baalei Hanefesh, Shaar HaKedusha).

Our relationship with Hashem is also contingent upon controlling our eyes. One who deliberately exposes himself to improper sights is considered a rasha (B”B 57b). Conversely, the Yerushalmi cites Hashem as declaring, “If you give Me your heart and eyes, I know that you are Mine” (Yerushalmi, Ber. 9a). Only by directing our thoughts and emotions toward Hashem through visual discipline can we lead lives of holiness (IbnEzra, Bam. 15:40), fully dedicated to Hashem and His Torah and mitzvot.

In contemporary society, the imperative to control our eyes has become increasingly significant and challenging. Computers and cellphones provide constant, easy access to highly problematic content. We must remain vigilant regarding the influence of visual stimuli on our hearts and proactively safeguard ourselves by exercising visual discipline. 

In memory of my mother, Mrs. Susan Taragin (Shulamit bas HaRav Shmuel Tzvi, z’l).

Rav Reuven Taragin is the Dean of Overseas Students at Yeshivat Hakotel and the Educational Director of World Mizrachi. His new book, Essentials of Judaism, is available at RabbiReuvenTaragin.com.