DATING FORUM

Question

My boss told me I should write to you. I want to be honest, so I’m telling you in case you notice that this email is coming from the secretary in the office where I work, who is writing exactly how I dictate to her. I’m a divorced Chassidishe man and can’t understand why I’m having such a hard time finding a shidduch. I was married to a Chassidishe girl when I was 24 and already considered an “alter bachur.” She was not for me, but I listened to my parents and we got married anyway.

Now that we are divorced, her family is slandering me, saying I’m not religious, and no one from my community will come near me. I listen to English music in my car when I drive and have a smartphone for work because I’m in sales, and I find customers via the internet. My ex-wife comes from a family of boys who learn until they get married. I wasn’t such a good learner, so I went to work and that stood in my way of finding a good shidduch. That’s how I ended up with my first wife.

I couldn’t stay married to my first wife and didn’t want to speak lashon ha’ra to explain what happened in our marriage, and why I couldn’t stay married to her. I was moichel her anyway, so it doesn’t matter anymore. Now I just want to make a new life for myself and get married again. I’m not looking for a Chassidishe lady to marry unless she’s open-minded, but that’s not easy to find. That’s why I’m looking more in heimish circles, but they don’t want me. What advice can you give me?

Response

When someone is looking to purchase a house, they typically have an idea of the area they would like to live in based on personal needs. Then they consider their budget, how much house they can afford based on their budget, taxes, insurance, etc. Then they have to factor in the down payment, which also affects the interest rate and terms of the loan. Then it’s important to ascertain whether they can afford to do any renovations and also keep in the back of their mind any expenses they may accrue due to repairs. With that in mind, they go about their search. Some prefer to look for a house on their own through word of mouth or ads; others prefer to look via the assistance of a realtor.

Challenges in house hunting occur when there is a low supply for the type of house you are seeking or when the actual cost is too high, so the seller has to seek a different type of buyer. The same occurs with a shidduch. Singles want what they feel they need to make them happy, but sometimes the reality is that the type of house—er, rather the type of person—they need is something different.

This type of disconnect is seen in all hashkafic circles, age groups, levels of religiosity, marital status, such as never married, divorced, or widowed. Such circumstances are incredibly frustrating for those who want to help singles find a shidduch. The shadchan needs to be honest and explain to the client why he is being declined. It’s okay and actually important for the single person to be informed why someone said no to them. There are times when the individual takes it to heart and recognizes that perhaps they either need to alter something or take a different path and try to find a shidduch where he will be accepted for who he is. The thing is that in many cases, singles stick to what they want, refusing to budge in any way.

The shadchan is usually objective enough to realize that what the person is seeking is like finding a needle in a haystack, but most are too kind-hearted to express that sentiment, and instead bless them with hatzlachah that they will find their bashert one day. Time goes by and very little changes except the frustration of the single, which only grows exponentially.

In recent years, there has been a tremendous increase in Chassidishe men reaching out to shadchanim, specifically those who are not Chassidish, and whose inventory of ladies in their database is very limited to anyone who would agree to date and marry a Chassidishe man. One of the concerns that I have heard expressed by singles is why the man is not looking for a shidduch in his own circles. It is well known that Chassidishecommunities are very insular, and that the members of such communities go out of their way to take care of their own where it relates to someone in need, including finding them a shidduch. Sure, there are exceptions, and nothing is clear-cut, but it is those exceptions that are concerning, not just to the single woman, but to her family that is not Chassidish and is being redt a Chassidishe man.

One of the reasons why a Chassidishe guy might be declined for a shidduch with a non-Chassidisheyoung lady has much to do with her not being comfortable with what feels unfamiliar. It might have to do with lingo or accent, educational differences, or for any other reason that any person might be rejected for a shidduch. The biggest concern a woman may have concerns the expectations that she may have to change her mode of dress, or that more will be demanded of her that goes beyond basic halacha. Minhagim and chumros she would have to adopt may make her uncomfortable enough to decline a shidduch. If your viewpoints are open-minded and you also make it known that other than your levush, you are like any other frum man, then there should be no reason for you to experience rejection any more than other men. Please forgive me for saying this, and I am only telling you this with the greatest respect.

It is not uncommon for one to endure all you have without displaying a chip on one’s shoulder, even subconsciously. Try to convey, if possible, a positive outlook when you speak to a shadchan or if you are in the position to meet a young lady. Try to avoid discussing things that have been unpleasant for you in the past. People gravitate to those who are upbeat and also mirror them in terms of goals and qualities. It does happen that heimish or even Litvish young ladies feel an attraction to the warmth that Chassidishe men and their families exude. Moreover, such shidduchim do take place.

Avoid anyone who stereotypes, as that cannot work in your favor. Furthermore, if you can be flexible and compromise a little, that is crucial and will go a long way to serve you for the best. Other than saying that you are seeking preferably a non-Chassidishe woman, make no mention of anything else. Being flexible and compromising is different for each person, and is a case-by-case situation. Are you flexible with age, height, coloring, or other physical characteristics? Does it matter to you if the woman is divorced and has children, assuming that you are not a Kohen? There are many other aspects, that would be too numerous to list and besides, only you know what they might be. I advise you to make a list and see where you can compromise. Be open to all possibilities that are available to finding a shidduch and utilize them. Dating apps, singles events, matchmakers, lectures, and fun activities are all good options for an open-minded person to find their bashert.

It sounds like you were not given a fair chance early on, particularly in your first marriage where you married a young lady that you felt was not right for you, but you went along and married anyway. That was very unfortunate and I’m sorry that you were coerced into doing it. The next time around, the shidduch you make will im yirtzeh Hashem be purely bechiras halev. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].