Dating

Question

At what point does a person walk away from a relationship? My shadchan introduced me to a beautiful woman five years ago. It was going very well until I wanted to get engaged. Then she grew a little cold toward me. We are still dating all this time, and she does want to continue dating me, but something is holding her back from marrying me, or maybe she just doesn’t want to marry me. She gets cold whenever I talk about marriage; otherwise, she is nice. I treat her like a queen and I believe she deserves to be treated like that. I buy her gifts, or when she asks me for something, I get it for her. I am never cheap. 

She is a frum woman, cares about people, davens, and says Tehillim for anyone who needs a yeshua. She is a good person, but I can’t figure out what’s going on. It’s interesting that sometimes when she doesn’t hear from me if I refrain from calling or texting, she gets nervous and contacts me, asking why she hasn’t heard from me. Or she wants to know if I’m dating another lady. So, that seems to indicate she’s jealous, right? I know that she doesn’t want to lose me.

I don’t know if she’s trying to date someone else, but I know that she likes getting attention from other men. I don’t know if it’s on purpose, but women have said they don’t like her. I’m very torn and I don’t know what to do. My friends all tell me that I should drop her and move on, but that’s easier said than done. How could I turn my back on someone I love?

Response

This woman has placed you in the exact place she wants you to be, and you have been so obedient that you have not moved from that spot one inch. It sounds like all she has to do is tell you to jump and the only question you ask her is, “How high?”

This sounds more like a “situationship” than a relationship. A “situationship” has no expiration date; it is something that can go on indefinitely. It’s a nice way of saying that you are casually dating with no strings attached. Though she is not verbalizing it, she is in essence telling you that she does not want anything long-term that involves a kesuba from you. In fact, that’s what your friends are trying to tell you. You have a difficult time accepting the “situation” because in your head, this woman is giving you mixed messages about how she feels. When you are together, she makes you feel loved and wanted. Not only that, but if she gets the tiniest inkling that you are pulling away, she immediately reaches out to you, throws you breadcrumbs, and you jump to accept whatever you can get from her.

This situationship is only beneficial for her. She is enjoying all the benefits of a relationship: she is taken out on dates, gets an emotional commitment and exclusivity—all of this with no commitment from her. And you are enabling her behavior. Are you waiting for her to wake up one morning with a sudden epiphany that she has to settle down? She might decide to settle down one day when she feels that the attention she’s getting from men has slowed down or come to a standstill. The problem is that you might not be the one she picks to marry. You need to face the facts that are staring you in the face. Here is what you need to realize and accept. The lady tells you that she enjoys your company and appreciates what you do to wine and dine her, but she can do whatever she wants, when she wants, and with whomever she wants. When you refer to her as frum, I’m not sure how you define that term.

Situationships or casual dating can work when both parties are open about what they expect from each other, and what they don’t expect. In other words, as long as there is open communication, with neither party feeling as if they are tangled in a maze trying to figure out where it’s going. In your case, because you never signed up to be in a “situationship,” whatever you have going with her is toxic. You might feel that she’s giving you mixed signals, but the signals she’s giving you indicate that she wants nothing more from you than what she’s giving you.

I hate to sound harsh, but you are being used. Worse still, you are letting her use you. Please understand, I am not demonizing her, as it could very well be that she believes that she’s doing nothing wrong and she’s not misleading you in any way. In her mind, she is telling you that she’s not marrying you and you still want to date her. The message she’s getting from you is that you enjoy her company so much that you feel it is an honor to take her out on dates and buy her things. You also stated that she enjoys getting attention from other men. You may be one of many who treat her “like a queen.” That she displays jealousy when she doesn’t hear from you or when you seem to be pulling away is not a sign that she will one day commit to you. It appears that she’s afraid of losing whatever “supply” you are supplying her with. 

While one might think that her need for male attention comes from insecurity, it might also come from a heightened sense of ego that she can get whatever and whoever she wants. In fact, you are doing everything to prove her theory. All you need to do when she contacts you and acts jealous is to give in to her whim. What you have with this woman is not just unhealthy, it sounds like a diseased association.

I don’t know what happened in your past, but it comes across that you may not have much experience with healthy relationships. Here is a synopsis of one. In a healthy relationship there are no mixed messages or signals. Definitions are clear, as is open communication, emotional connection, respect, trust, shared values, and goals. And most important, commitment. There should be a clear plan, whether it’s planned weeks or months in advance. It should make you feel safe with this person and you are never left wondering or worrying about what she’s thinking or intending. 

My advice to you is to sit down with her and have an honest conversation. But before you do that, ask yourself, based on her past treatment of you, if she is someone you can see yourself married to. Is she someone who has the potential to toy with you emotionally because she can? Above all, are you just filling a void when she’s bored and has nothing else to do and she’s sure you’ll treat her like a queen?

Whatever those answers are, keep them in mind as you speak with her. Tell her exactly what you want out of life, and what you expect from her based on the length of time you have been together and the companionship you have both enjoyed. Ask her point-blank if she feels the same way. If she tells you anything that does not sound like she’s on the same page, tell her that you respect how she feels, but that this is no longer working for you. Do not be wishy-washy when you express yourself. Keep your face serious and devoid of any affectionate emotion she might be able read from your eyes. She also needs to fully grasp that you will not be available to her anymore either by phone or electronic communication.

This conversation needs to take place immediately. Five years is more than enough to expect someone to come around. Again, if her answers do not correspond with what you want and need at present, that should be all the closure you need to permanently remove her from your life and remove yourself from her life. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].