By Hannah Reich Berman
This is the holiday season. Most people are busy with their Xmas lists and purchases, and Jews are thinking about their Chanukah presents.
As young mothers, we buy gifts for our children, but as we grow older, and the kids marry and have children of their own, our focus is on the grandchildren. Some of us take the easy way out. We skip the messiness of wrapping presents and we do not deal with the difficult decision-making process. We give Chanukah gelt. The gelt (money) comes in many forms. It may be in bills, silver coins, or checks. For a bit of extra ingenuity, we may give a gift certificate to a grandchild’s favorite sporting-goods store or perhaps an electronics store. It is a road well traveled, since most older children feel that cash is king!
Recently it occurred to me that I might want to expand my list to include those outside the family. What could be better than giving presents that would clearly be useful? Not all of my gift ideas would necessarily be appreciated by the recipients. Nevertheless, I would like to give it a shot.
While I do not personally know the people in the incoming presidential administration, it is not difficult to get a sense of what some of them could use. For that reason, this year I just might open my pocketbook a little wider, dig a little deeper, and spread some joy. Actually, the joy that will be provided is mostly for me.
Cash and checks are out of the question. But I might go with gift certificates. To Donald Trump I would give a year’s worth of those for a hairstylist. Donald’s wife, Melania, is more difficult to shop for, as the woman does not look like she needs any help. But Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist, is another easy one to shop for. He would receive from me a subscription to GQ along with a few coupons for high-end haberdasheries. The man is in desperate need of a makeover.
Outside the incoming administration, another figure who is in the public quite a bit is Michael Moore, the author and documentary filmmaker. He is not one of my favorite people, but he does need help, and should I decide to add him to my gift list, the field is wide open. He can use gift certificates or coupons to a barbershop for haircuts, shaves, and occasional manicures. Additionally, he would benefit from items from men’s shops, but they need not be high-end stores, since this is one man who will look better in anything but what he normally wears. And with any luck, hopefully he will lose that infernal baseball cap that he insists on wearing.
Before Obama’s final day as president (which is a gift to me), there is one thing that he could use. For several years, his advisers were telling him that ISIS was a major danger that had to be dealt with seriously and swiftly. But because the president, who is nothing if not arrogant, did not want to hear that news, he refused to listen or to follow their advice. And each of those advisers was fired! In a recent interview, however, Obama had the audacity to place all blame for his failure in the arena of terrorism on that very same intelligence community. Clearly, the perfect holiday gift for this man would be a session with a therapist who might help him with a reality check!
The same gift would be good for Hillary Clinton, also famous for telling whoppers and rewriting history. They both seem to forget that, going back many years already, everything they say and do is available to be seen and heard on video. My favorite Hillary Clinton lie was the one she told about landing in Bosnia under sniper fire. Not long after she made that claim, the video surfaced showing that, in fact, she was met by young children and presented with flowers. It is a classic!
Some people in the field of entertainment–and I use the term entertainment loosely–are also on my list of possible gift recipients. It is hard to know which woman is the least appealing member of The View. It has been many years since I stopped watching that television chat-fest. The most entertaining thing about the program is the feuds that the hosts and co-hosts routinely have with one another. Conveniently, there is one gift that would be perfect for all of them. I would buy five muzzles to silence each of those opinionated, rude, and outspoken liberal ladies. Not surprisingly, viewership for the program has been declining steadily, and it would give me enormous satisfaction if I were partly responsible for the decline.
While Whoopi Goldberg is not one of my favorites, it is Joy Behar who needs to be muzzled first. She recently had the gall to say on air that Donald Trump is not right in the head. He may not be liked by everyone (I myself kvetched about him early on), but now it is different since he is, after all, about to be our president. It would be a pleasure if the mouthy Ms. Behar would temper her remarks about him and give the man a chance. Hopefully he will fare better than Obama. But for now, he should be considered off-limits and all attacks on him should be suspended.
Unfortunately, nothing seems to be off-limits for Joy Behar and a host of other liberals. Those who wanted Hillary to win the election are positively crazed, and that goes for the some of the big bananas as well as the little guys. Mayor de Blasio is said to be providing therapy for disappointed and devastated individuals. Unfortunately, it is the rest of us who will be paying for that therapy. Adding de Blasio to my gift list, I would like to buy a horse for him, preferably a rambunctious one that will shake him up a bit. That might be just what it would take to set the man straight. And that’s just the way it is.
Wishing everyone a very happy Chanukah!
Hannah Berman lives in Woodmere and gives private small-group lessons in mah-jongg and canasta. She can be reached at Savtahannah@aol.com or 516-902-3733.
