DATING FORUM
Question
When an older man wishes to be set up with a lady of childbearing age, the only thing that anyone talks about is the age gap. No one mentions the increased risk of autism when an older man becomes a father. Research shows that children born to fathers over 50 are approximately 66% more likely to have autism compared to those born to fathers in their 20s.
When it comes to other extremely rare disorders, we insist that both parties undergo genetic testing. Yet, whether it is an older, never-married man who wants children or an older, divorced Kohen, I don’t see anyone advising the women they date about the risks to future children.
Response
The societal perspective regarding older men who want to date significantly younger women is that it is a matter of mathematics. I agree with you that people generally do not consider the chance of birth defects among older fathers as much as they do when the mother is older. It is interesting to note that regardless of how sophisticated society has become in recent years, when it comes to couples having children, the traditional view takes over, that it is okay for an older man to father a child, but frowned on when an older woman gives birth to a child.
Because I am not medically or scientifically qualified to respond to the statistics you presented, my reply will be about the probability of negative consequences in a marriage where the man is much older as it concerns interpersonal family dynamics. That is not to say that the health or neurodevelopment of the future offspring should not be considered. It would be selfish for a couple to not research the potential risks to future children. My concern as a shadchan regarding such relationships, and what I try to convey to dating couples, is to always think first about the emotional health of the future child. The differences in ages between the parents means that there will typically be differences in parenting styles among the father and mother. That can lead to disagreements and disputes regarding child rearing, particularly as it relates to discipline, divergences in values, and overall communication approaches.
While society applauds and celebrates older men who marry much younger women, oftentimes these same people are not so eager to accept them into their social circles once they become a couple. The impact of such exclusion carries over to their children. In the community, if the wives of other couples are much older than the wife of the older man, invitations will usually be few and far between. When children see that their parents are struggling to maintain friendships, or are the subject of ridicule, that can be quite damaging to their own egos.
It has also been reported that children from such unions face being left out of invitations to playdates and even to parties. Sure, it is wrong to hurt an innocent child, but sadly this is the reality that goes on in most circles, whether frum or secular. Not only that, but the children may watch as their classmates are able to play with their own younger father for a longer period of time than their older father can play with them, commonly making them feel cheated of the kind of family life they might wish they could have. I hate to bring this up, but it needs to be said that children can be cruel on the playground, and there are too many cases where children of older fathers are made fun of by other children because their father looks more like a grandfather. One can argue that children should not make fun of anyone, and I agree they should be taught that it is wrong; however, these things do happen and it is painful for the victims.
When a married couple endures discord in their relationship, that too, can have an impact on the children. A significant age gap in a marriage, where the man is much older than his wife, is not only about health issues because no one receives a heavenly guarantee regarding sickness and death, but there is a social stigma attached to it that the couple will have to deal with throughout their married lives, and yes, it can affect the children.
Age disparities in a marriage can also affect career choices, recreational preferences, or even so far as lingo terms that may feel foreign or ancient to a younger wife, who oftentimes may make fun of her older husband. Then, of course, there is the consideration of emotional maturity. Life experiences mature a person, and having that maturity while the younger spouse lacks it can lead to frustration and feelings of exasperation, and eventually exhaustion from the marriage.
Speaking of exhaustion, though people can look good because they might eat healthy and exercise regularly, the body knows its age. Energy levels differ even in a healthy mature older man from his much younger wife. It is frequently seen where the wife wants to stay longer at a simcha or party, or go out more often for fun, even if she’s a working woman, but the husband, who is so much older, may not be able to physically keep up, even if he wanted to. If it becomes contentious enough to cause issues in their shalom bayis, the children will feel the effects of it.
I want to make it very clear that I respect the decision of any couple when they choose to marry. It is not my place to offer anything other than congratulations and my best wishes. However, I will not voluntarily introduce a man to a much younger woman unless she specifies that this is the type of man she prefers to date and marry. Not only will it be insulting to her and disrespectful of her wishes, but with all the issues that such unions can face, a shidduch suggestion of this sort would be equivalent to the prohibition of “lifnei iver lo sitain michshol” (do not place a stumbling block before a blind man). The fact is that many young ladies get nervous when they reach a shidduch age considered advanced by their community. As a result, many do not consider all aspects before agreeing to date an older man. Society does not talk about it much, and I thank you for bringing this issue to the Dating Forum. People have a right to do as they wish, as long as all the facts are before them, and they are familiar with aspects that relate to their decision. After all is said and done, there should be no judgment from outsiders.
I am apologizing in advance for any agmas nefesh that my response might bring to older men who have never fathered a child. My heart goes out to you and I would never tell a man to give up on his aspirations to have a child or fulfill the mitzvah of pru u’rvu. Where it relates to kohanim, they absolutely cannot marry a gerusha or a giyores, and their only options for marriage remain a natural-born single Jewish lady or a widow. Many kohanim have expressed the view that they cannot undertake the financial or emotional responsibilities of marrying a widow, particularly if she has children, so that leaves many of them with the only option of marrying a single girl. For those who have never fathered a child, again, my heart goes out to them.
While I acknowledge the urgency for a man to want to have children, I cannot ignore that, for many, telling a shadchan that he wants “more” children is really a euphemism for an attractive young lady. My compassion can only go so far. And it must stop when a much older gentleman with biological children of his own from a previous marriage demands a shidduch with a much younger woman via a shadchan. Whatever reasons they cite should be respected, but it is my opinion that shadchanim should not enable their request if it means misrepresenting them.
I feel tremendous pain for the women who cannot find compatible men their own age to date, because those men are seeking much younger women. At the end of the day, both men and women suffer, because each declines the other. Hashem Yerachem! n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
