Advice From YidParenting
By Rabbi Yitzie Ross
Q: My 11-year-old son is a big baby. I love him to pieces, but whenever he does not win a game, he gets all teary-eyed, starts blaming his teammates, and accuses everyone of cheating. I understand this can be normal behavior for a 5-year-old, but my son is turning 12 soon, it’s still happening, and I’m getting a tad nervous. Do you have any suggestions?
D.
Woodmere
A: I have received many e‑mails with similar questions over the past few months. Coaches and teachers would call this behavior poor sportsmanship, while kids refer to it as being a “sore loser.” Whatever the name, it’s not fun dealing with a 9-year-old sobbing uncontrollably because he’s 100% sure that he was safe at first base. It’s also difficult explaining to your neighbor why your 12-year-old is crying during a fun game of football with younger kids.
There is some good news though. In a bunch of years your son will Iy’H get married and you won’t have to deal with this. I’m kidding, of course. (You’ll still have to deal with it.)
Although this is a difficult personality trait to handle, it does have its positive points as well. Significantly, it shows us that your son thrives on competition and has a tremendous drive to succeed. These are traits that can be used to great effect as he grows older and matures.
Before we discuss some ideas to deal with this issue, let’s be super-proactive. Losing properly is a learned behavior, and you need to begin working on this when your children are very young. For example, if you’re playing a game with your toddler, don’t always let him win.
Here are some tips to help you through these exasperating moments. Remember that there are no quick fixes to this. It’ll take patience, time, and some more patience.
Proactive Tips: Before
He Gets Into A Situation
Practice losing with him. Act out scenarios that get him riled up so he can work on correct responses. When he’s in a good mood, give him a scenario that would get him upset. “You’re losing by one run, bases loaded, and you hit a ball and they call it foul, but it wasn’t!”
Preparation is key. Before he starts playing, remind him that certain things can get him upset and he needs to stay calm no matter what.
Don’t avoid situations because you’re scared he’ll overreact. This is a growing experience, and it’s important that he have the chance to mature.
Be a good role model. Getting upset when the Yankees are losing sends him mixed messages. This can be a great way to communicate to him how to react. “That umpire really blew the call, but it’s just a game. You win some and you lose some.”
Situational Tips:
During The Incidents
Identify any triggers. A trigger could be a sibling, being overtired, or even just having a hard day.
Don’t wait until it’s too late. When you see him starting to lose it, get out there and remove him from the situation.
Focus on positive behaviors that he exhibits when he’s playing. Comments like “You seemed very upbeat and I was super-impressed!” are excellent.
Empathize with his frustrations when he stays in control. It’s OK if he slips a little, but if he’s still in control, you can validate his frustrations. If you see that he’s getting annoyed because he’s losing, you can tell him, “Losing can be so frustrating. I’m sure you’ll win a different game.”
Aftermath Tips
Make sure that there are immediate consequences. If he shoves a player or throws the ball away, he must be removed from the game. No excuses.
If he quits a game in the middle, he should not be able to play the next time the game is set up.
Change the subject if he’s upset. This can quickly calm him down.
Compliment or reward him if he stays in control in a difficult situation. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
Keep In Mind
A lot of this personality is built into specific children. Some children are easygoing and some are not. Having a child who’s a sore loser doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent.
A great trick is to daven. It’s that simple. Ask Hashem for help.
Wishing you all continued nachas from all your children.
Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly e‑mails and read the comments, you can visit www.yidparenting.com.
