Home Alone
Dear Esther,
I am 51 years old and have been an active mother with children at home longer than most. I have five children and there is a huge gap in between the ages of our oldest and our youngest, so it’s been a very long time since my husband and I were home alone, without at least one child with us. This summer, our youngest daughter, who is 10 years old, is finally going off to sleepaway camp, so Andy and I will be home alone. Just the two of us. No one around for seven long weeks!
Most people who know me seem very excited for us. They say we’ll finally be on a honeymoon together, or something to that effect. It seems many of them have been spending summers without their children for quite some time, and some of them have even seen their children grow up and move on and are presently enjoying, more or less, being empty-nesters. They seem to love having less responsibility and can just enjoy one another the way it was many moons ago.
As I’ve been making plans for our daughter, I have started experiencing a sense of panic over the prospect of being home alone with my husband. I look at Andy and sometimes wonder who this man is. I feel as though I don’t really know him. It’s been such a long time (maybe forever) since we’ve had a real heart-to-heart conversation about ourselves or anything, other than our children, that is truly important. I’m not sure I know who he is and I’m pretty certain he doesn’t really know the inner me. I don’t confide in him the way I confide in my friends about my feelings. He’s not my go-to person when I’m struggling with a conflict and want advice. I just don’t think he has what it takes to be helpful to me.
We work well together as parents. We’ve raised wonderful children and generally agree on most things. Often Andy just deferred to me regarding decisions for our children, which worked fine for both of us. So on that level, we are a great team. We both enjoy our children enormously; we always vacationed with them and spent lots of time together as a family. But I’m starting to realize that there is something superficial about our relationship–it doesn’t have much depth to it. So I wonder what we’ll talk about once the children are off for the summers and, ultimately, when they’re out of the house for good.
We have two married children, and I realize that I put a lot of pressure on them to come for Shabbos, maybe more often than they would like to. I’m realizing that I have been making sure to create distractions so that I’m never forced to be alone with Andy.
Don’t get me wrong. Andy isn’t a bad guy. He’s a nice-enough guy and treats me well enough. It’s just that we don’t seem to have much chemistry together. We don’t really inspire each other to grow, and we don’t even do a lot of laughing together. We are good parents together, but I’m afraid that’s where it ends.
So as I picture our first Shabbos together, sitting at the table and having very little to talk about and no distractions, I’m worried it will be awful. I wonder whether this is typical for some couples, who finally, after many years, find themselves alone once again with little in common. Then what? Where do they go from there? This feeling I’m having is so uncomfortable that I can’t even bring myself to mention it to Andy. For all I know, he’s thinking the same thing, though he isn’t the most self-aware guy in the world, so I could be wrong.
Any suggestions for how to prepare for this new chapter with dignity and joy? We have just a couple of weeks before our life changes for good!
Scared
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Dear Scared,
I doubt that you and Andy are the only couple suddenly emerging from decades of full-time parenting to suddenly realize that they’ve put so much of their efforts into their children that little time was left over for one another. It’s not a great thing, but it happens and it’s understandable. Raising five children (or even two) can be a full-time job. Concerns on their behalf can easily flood the mind and push away all other thoughts. So now you’re seeing the writing on the wall, and you’re more than a little concerned about what it will mean for you and Andy.
Let me take you back to the time the two of you were dating. Do you ever think back on those days? My guess is that he wasn’t the only person you ever went out with. Try to recall what it was about Andy that attracted you to him and fueled your romance. He must have had certain traits that set him apart and drew you to him. What were those qualities that attracted you? Try to reconnect with those feelings and take a good look at Andy and see if you can recreate what you once had with him. People do change over the years, but basic character traits tend to stay constant. Work on appreciating and reconnecting with those traits and see if you can once again “fall” for Andy.
It’s a great idea for married couples to work on establishing “date nights” throughout their marriages, as a time when just the two spouses go out together–with certain rules for the evening, such as no discussions about the children or money matters, and no arguing. Just two people out for the evening looking for a good time. It sounds as though you and Andy were so completely connected to your children and enjoying the experience that “date night” was not on your agenda. Well, start right now–even before your daughter leaves for camp.
No doubt it will be awkward. Trying new things always is. And you’ll probably feel self-conscious and even a bit shy, if you can believe that after so many years of marriage it’s possible to feel that way. But because you are now setting the stage for you and Andy to interact in a whole new way, it might even feel like the beginning of a courtship. Which is wonderful! My guess is that there is a lot more good stuff going on inside of Andy than you are even aware of. Now’s the time to dig deep and really get to know this guy, and for him to get to know you. Do the work. Find commonality. Which activities can the two of you enjoy that have nothing to do with the children? What did the two of you do together when you were dating all those years ago?
Is it possible that after all of these efforts you’ll discover that you and Andy have literally nothing in common? It’s possible, though not likely. But if you truly feel, after trying all of the above suggestions, that there is nothing about Andy that you can relate to and that he is remote and hard to connect with, don’t give up. Before believing that all is lost, try working with a couples’ therapist, who can possibly help the two of you find your way back to one another. After all, as you mentioned, Andy is a good man. Good men and good women try hard to work on themselves in order to improve and grow.
You are on the brink of a new chapter in your life. Try to view it with excitement rather than fear and dread. What you will discover about Andy–and even about yourself–is still unknown. Open yourself up to the belief that wonderful things are yet to emerge from this stage.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
