DATING FORUM

Question

When I was in high school, there was an awful song called “Friday” that everyone loved. Fourteen years later, I am now seriously dating a girl whose favorite song is “Hashem Tamid Ohev Oti,” a song that is so poor and bizarre it gives me the same cringeworthy feeling I had back 2011.

Every time I hear this song during the second dance at a friend’s chasunah, I want to cringe. Fortunately, one of my rebbeim is going to be giving a shiur explaining why he thinks this song should be banned. I don’t want to offend my date by telling her how I feel about the song. What should I do?

Response

It sounds like you are trying very hard to impress this young lady. Furthermore, it is glaringly obvious that you are not comfortable expressing your feelings about your taste in music. Moreover, I’m concerned that you are afraid of expressing your opinion concerning what you like and don’t like in general if it contradicts her opinion. My response to you is not about addressing the merits of this song, nor will I offer any thoughts as to whether I agree that any particular song should be banned or not.

There is a serious issue going on here that is much deeper than one’s taste in music or even hashkafa as it relates to music. That you felt compelled to write to me about your dilemma in hiding your thoughts and feelings is very telling that you are not in a wholesome relationship with the young lady you are dating. However, it’s not so much about figuring out what her problem is as much as it is about gaining an understanding about why you feel this way and what you can do about it.

In my early years, I always had a fascination with advice columns like “Dear Abby” where people wrote in anonymously for help and advice. As a child, I used to read “The Forward” in Yiddish (called Di Forverts), which had a column called “A Bintel Brief. I realized even in those early years that the author did not have the luxury of probing the letter writer for more information or background material since the person must remain anonymous, so the author of the column had very limited information to work with. When I started writing the Dating Forum, in most cases I found that to usually be the case. That said, other than the little bit you are telling me, I will try to address your dilemma from different angles.

For people who are in relationships, whether of a personal or professional nature, the ability to express one’s opinion respectfully is crucial for a healthy dialogue. The fear of expressing oneself typically stems from various factors, such as past negative experiences with a toxic individual, trust issues, fear of conflict, always needing to keep the peace, or low self-esteem. There certainly can be other factors, but I will focus on these for now.

You don’t share anything about your early experiences in dating or anything significant about yourself. There are times when people are excessively fearful about expressing their tastes or opinions due to negative past experiences when they did so and were belittled or disregarded for contradicting someone else. Consequently, such experiences also come with being unfairly judged and rejected. People that endure such treatment will eventually just go along with whatever the person says until they no longer can endure it, and end up turning for help in order to find out how best to disagree with the person they are dealing with without offending them, such as you are doing.

It could also be that you are a peaceful type of person, and any sort of conflict, even something as minor as taste in music, feels unsettling to express. Instead, you find it easier to stifle your true feelings. That can only work for a certain amount of time before you feel that you are emotionally suffocating. It may also be that you lack enough confidence where you think that if you express your opinion, either you will not be taken seriously, or the other person will reject you, leaving you feeling as though there is something wrong with you.

You need to do some serious soul searching to ascertain what it is that you are really afraid of, and what the consequences would be if you made yourself heard. From the way you are writing, it appears to me that you are not in the very early stages of dating this young lady. Do you feel compatible with her, and are you comfortable being in her company, or are you there because it seems that she wants you, and that is good enough for you? You must realize that if you cannot talk to her about disliking a certain song, there will be much more important issues down the line that you will not be able to discuss with her. There is no way anyone can live life with a spouse by always going along with whatever they want.

You need to start small. See if you can open the lines of communication by discussing foods you like to eat, and anything you don’t like. It sounds silly, but you would be surprised that people who do not value the opinions of others will dismiss their tastes and opinions. “What do mean you don’t like chocolate? Everyone likes chocolate,” is a common reaction of someone who cannot fathom that anyone thinks differently than them. I hope you understand that this is just an example of someone who is narrow-minded enough to judge another person for disagreeing with them. If she has that sort of character, a “my way or the highway” attitude, my advice is to not even bother taking this relationship any further or you will live a married life marred with contention or forever keeping silent, which will eventually cause a burst somewhere.

If it turns out that she can respect smaller issues that differ from hers, then take it further to anything that she has ever said that you don’t agree with until you get to talk about the song that upsets you so much. She might surprise you and say that it’s really not so great anyway, or respect how you feel and think nothing of it. That would be great in terms of how she views you as a potential partner in life. But it should not end for you until you address your own insecurities.

You might actually be afraid of being yourself. As you go through life, you will find that as people grow, they change in their own way. In a successful marriage it should not be expected that both parties must shift in the same direction. Rather, they respect each other’s transformation and even celebrate it. One of the reasons I hear from people that ended a long marriage is “we grew apart.” How sad that they failed to navigate those changes and instead chose to break up their home.

One of the aspects I focus on when I coach people who are in dating relationships is to get to a place where they can speak up for what they want out of life, and to disagree with something without fearing a negative consequence. Nobody should ever expect the other party in the relationship to be a mind-reader and figure things out for themselves.

Much of it has to do with building confidence. There are people whom society refers to as a “yes” type of person. Such an individual is very accommodating, never saying no to anyone or anything, never disagreeing; even when the other is wrong, he will remain silent. Though they might be very well-liked in most circumstances and relationships, a “yes” person cannot be respected. They are at risk of being taken advantage of in a variety of ways by a badly intentioned person and will end up feeling overburdened emotionally and physically. The stress of it all will result in neglecting their own well-being.

To sum it up, please see where the young lady stands in terms of respecting differences of opinion. If she is an easygoing person and someone you can easily communicate with, continue the relationship. I also advise you to retain a therapist to delve deeper into your thoughts and feelings to possibly uncover hidden issues at play and help you facilitate better self-introspection and healing where necessary. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].