Dear Esther,
I have always been very close to my grandmother. She is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly. I would say that she played a very significant role in my upbringing. Though my parents raised me, it was my grandmother to whom I ran for support and a loving experience. My grandmother probably had the greatest influence in making me the person I am today, and I feel tremendous gratitude toward her.
My grandmother is 86 years old and is in really good shape, baruch Hashem, both physically and emotionally. She is not suffering from any illness that I know of. However, last year, she needed knee-replacement surgery. Though the surgery went well and was considered a success, somehow because of the way she healed, she now has to use a cane. She is not happy about this. It took her a long time to get used to idea that this situation was not going away and that she would be using a cane for the rest of her life.
She is still a productive person and continues to work part-time, but I think something about the cane has changed her tremendously. I think it forced her to start believing that she is not a youngster anymore, and to start thinking about her own mortality.
I love being with and talking to my grandmother. However, lately, every conversation somehow winds up including the subject of death. She talks a lot about the fact that she is the only one left from her childhood friends. She talks about how sad she is over the fact that once she’s gone, there will be no one left to hold the memories she and her friends once shared. For now, she is the last one holding those memories. She laments that, eventually, several generations from now, no one will have known that she ever lived. Lots of morbid stuff that all lead to the fact that someday she will no longer be here.
She has always been the one to comfort me and support me. Now I feel as though the tables have turned and I need to comfort and support her. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say to her. Obviously, I can’t tell her that she won’t die someday. We’ll all die! I can’t dispute any of her worries about what will be.
For now I just sit there quietly and listen to her talk. I find it all very depressing, but I still visit her as often as ever, and though I know how the conversation will go, I still sit with her. She means the world to me and I don’t want to let her down. I just wonder whether there is something I’m supposed to be saying to her that will help her deal better. She doesn’t really seem depressed to me, just overly obsessed with death and dying.
What can I do to help her at this stage of her life?
Loving and Concerned
Dear Loving and Concerned,
How wonderful for you and your grandmother that you have always had and continue to have an incredible relationship. You share a wonderful and unique bond. Grandparents have the opportunity to play such a significant role in their grandchildren’s lives, and your grandmother has more than succeeded!
This is clearly a very challenging time for her, as it sounds as though for the first time she is contemplating her mortality. Likewise for you, it must be quite stressful and sad to see this vibrant woman obsess so much over death. Listening to her go on and on about it can’t be easy.
As far as what you can do to ease her trying times, you’re already doing it. Despite how hard it is for you to hear such talk, it hasn’t stopped you from visiting your grandmother and giving her the opportunity to vent her thoughts surrounding this stage of her life. It’s very possible that you are the only person with whom she feels comfortable sharing such personal and profound ideas, and by giving her the chance to talk about and work through her worries, you are truly giving her the greatest gift.
However, if you want to take this little journey the two of you are sharing to an even deeper place, you may want to consider asking her questions that allow her to share with you her happy memories—and maybe some not-so-happy memories. For instance, when your grandmother discussed being the only remaining keeper of the memories she and her childhood friends once shared, you might want to ask her if she’d like to tell you about some of those memories, thereby giving her an opportunity to enjoy reminiscing with someone meaningful to her, despite the fact that she can no longer share these memories with her old friends. It will also provide her with the knowledge that those memories can live on through you.
You may want to test the waters and see if she wants or needs to go a little deeper. You can ask her if she has any particular fears of worries that she’d like to talk about. On the other hand, don’t feel that you can’t introduce happy conversations that don’t involve death and dying. There is nothing wrong with redirecting your talks to subjects that are completely off her radar for now, distracting her from her usual go-to conversations, reminding her that there is still a lot of exciting life going on that is meaningful and worth paying attention to. Without shutting her down and avoiding the uncomfortable talks, you can balance out your visits with happy, hopeful, positive, forward-looking dialogue.
The bottom line, though, is that you’re already doing a great job! You’re there for her and she knows it. Sometimes what we all need is someone else to witness where we’re at and validate our feelings. For that, I’m sure, your grandmother is eternally grateful to you.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
