Dear Esther,
About a year and a half ago, during the second half of my pregnancy, I was ordered to stay in bed. I had two young children, and my husband wasn’t able to miss much work. Like a gift from G‑d, my friend Rachel showed up at my door, ready to save the day. We really weren’t great friends beforehand. I knew her because our daughters were friends from school and sometimes we would arrange playdates for them.
Her arrival was a big surprise to me, but I was in no condition to look a gift horse in the mouth, and I welcomed her totally into my life. She seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to knowing exactly what I needed.
She would often take my children over to her house to hang out there after school so I could relax. Just when I’d notice I was out of milk or bread, Rachel would call from the supermarket and ask if I needed anything. She always seemed to anticipate my needs — it was almost too good to be true. I don’t know what I’d have done without her.
She’d also often sit with me and we’d talk. Well, I would talk. I found myself sharing lots of personal stuff. I guess I was feeling particularly vulnerable during that time. I’d share with her my disappointment over my husband not seeming to care enough or do enough. I also shared with her my history with my sister who always seemed oblivious to my situation and rarely called. So in addition to Rachel being the person who did most of my errands, she was also my confidante. I felt everything I told her would stay with her. She was a great listener and it helped to talk to her.
After I gave birth and got back to myself several months later, I started to realize that my relationship with Rachel was very unbalanced. Obviously, I no longer had to depend on her for help. There was a normal balance of reciprocity between us when it came to watching each other’s kids, or helping out in some way when needed.
But one area of our friendship was one-sided. Rachel continued asking me intimate questions about my life, which I felt very comfortable answering since I was in the habit of sharing so much of my personal life with her. But I realized that whenever I asked her anything of a personal nature, she never gave me a straight answer. At first it wasn’t so obvious. But with time I realized that she knew so much about me, my marriage, my feelings towards my family, my fears and insecurities — everything! And I knew next to nothing about her regarding what really mattered.
Rachel and I have a mutual friend, Paula, and I decided to ask her whether she had the same experience with Rachel. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t imagining it and that it wasn’t something about me that was the problem. Paula validated that Rachel will never share anything of a personal nature with anyone, yet she will ask others the most intimate questions without batting an eye, and with an attitude that she just expects you to answer. And so you find yourself answering and later regretting giving so much away,
I think our relationship got off to a bad start because I was so needy and dependent on Rachel that I was happy to share with her everything I was going through. But now I’m starting to feel resentful.
I don’t know how to proceed. I guess it’s helpful to know that Rachel doesn’t only do it to me; that’s just her way. It worked for me when I was stuck in bed and helpless, but it’s not working for me anymore! I’m getting more and more frustrated. Though I am still grateful for everything she did for me and I’ll always be grateful to her for practically saving me during a very hard time in my life, I need to be involved in friendships that are equal.
I feel guilty walking away from the friendship but also feel myself getting angry at her for always catching me off guard and getting me to answer personal questions and then not responding in turn when I ask the same of her. It makes me feel exposed.
What do you suggest I do?
Exposed
Dear Exposed,
Meaningful friendships are usually very complex. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Hopefully we possess some wonderful attributes to bring to a relationship, and sometimes our own “stuff” gets in the way, which can occasionally portray us in not the best of lights.
Clearly, Rachel’s greatest strength is that she is a natural “rescuer.” She’s the type of friend who shows up at the right time, ready to fill whatever void exists in one’s life, seemingly with a great attitude and loads of insight and generosity. People like her shine most brightly when they are in the “helping mode.” It charges them up, gives them purpose, and allows them to function as their best selves. Who knows what your life would have looked like had Rachel not shown up at your door when she did, ready to serve! And it seems, in Rachel’s mind, serving is not just about bringing a loaf of bread to your door. It also means listening.
Many people, despite great intentions, just don’t know what to do when someone they care about is having a crisis. They may want to help, but are uncertain of boundaries and whether they are welcome, needed, or intrusive. So they often do little or nothing, doubting themselves and their role in the drama. Rachel is fearless in this regard. And it seems as though part of her persona involves acting as resident “therapist.” Being able to ask the hard questions, listen to your story, and be a much-needed sounding board.
It was all good, when all of Rachel’s strengths and services were required and appreciated. Now you find yourself in a stronger position and don’t really need Rachel’s “services” any longer. And that’s fine. You just want to be friends and equals who are on a level playing field. And here is where you are having a hard time with what some might consider Rachel’s weakness — being unable to present herself in a vulnerable way. She needs to appear strong, unburdened by problems of her own, and always the hero. I’m not so sure how well that is working ultimately for Rachel, but that’s not the point of this conversation.
Rachel is not the only one out there who conducts herself that way. I’m sure we all have “Rachels” in our lives who tend to be almost invasive in their curiosity about the details of our lives, yet keep all of their own stories inside of their personal vaults. I can see why you get frustrated when Rachel doesn’t answer your questions. But I’m curious, if you get past that fact, whether it is possible that you might actually benefit from having someone in your life whom you can speak to with total abandon, knowing that she truly cares and won’t judge you.
A good listener who can be trusted is not always so easy to find. So might Rachel still play a valuable role in your life in this regard, despite her inability to need the same from you? In reality, among close friends, rarely does each friend offer up the same traits to all the others. One friend may be the “wise” one, who can be counted on to figure things out and come up with great solutions, while the other friend may be the “fun” one, who can be counted on to add excitement to the relationship. Some friends are leaders and some are followers. Some are talkers and some are listeners. We each bring our own contributions to the table.
One thing I’m pretty sure of: I don’t think you are going to change Rachel. Whether you want to view this trait as a weakness in her or not, it doesn’t take away from all that she’s done for you and the amazing role she played in your life when you needed her most. To turn your back on her now over this trait would be regrettable. If you really can’t handle her inquisitive nature any longer, and resent her inability to share with you anything personal, then you need to figure out how to kindly tell her that what she’s asking you is private, and change the direction of the conversation. It will take time for you to feel comfortable saying such things, and even longer for Rachel to get the message, but I believe you have the power within you to create this shift. Just make sure that you won’t miss being able to vent your feelings to her!
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.
