He Said/She Said
DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
We never marry clones of ourselves. We’re not supposed to. After all, where would the excitement be? The learning and growing, the motivation to experience life in a fuller, more complex way if we weren’t forced to look at the experience from an alternate perspective?
And so, as we connect and fall in love with our “bashert,” we open ourselves up to a new normal and the opportunity to expand our horizons. But the question begs to be asked, where does that point exist where the differences are so vast that there is no coming together? What can we overlook, and how much compromising are we willing to subject ourselves to, as it relates to our basic ideas and beliefs, before we say, “It’s just too much! I can’t.”
The thing about love is that it sometimes puts us in an altered state of critical thinking. It can lull us into believing that everything is no big deal. We can overlook red flags and sometimes even potential problems. They say that “love conquers all.” But does it?
Adam and Chaya were put to the test. Their ability to compromise and overcome all differences wasn’t a matter of how much each of them was willing to compromise, but whether it was even a possibility.
It took a bit of prodding to draw 36-year-old Adam out. At first, he seemed a bit on edge and definitely frustrated. With time though, I did learn the following about Adam. He grew up in a home that was only slightly affiliated with Yiddishkeit. His family attended a Conservative synagogue near their home on the yom tovim, and celebrated a seder once a year. He attended a public school and Adam had very little exposure to what an Orthodox Jewish life looked like. He had no negative feelings toward orthodoxy and only a very slight amount of curiosity.
He remembered the first time he laid eyes on Chaya sixteen years ago, as if it was only yesterday. It was a Sunday afternoon, and like most Sunday afternoons, he was hanging out at a local park with some friends, taking a break from their basketball game. Adam noticed Chaya roller blading by him several times and was attracted and felt “moved” by her beauty and grace each time she sped by him. “There was a regal presence about her that seemed so unlike the young women I knew and often dated. I remember feeling mesmerized by her,” explained Adam.
Adam looked out for Chaya every Sunday thereafter, hoping that maybe he would get lucky and see her again. To his delight, Chaya showed up about a month later and Adam was determined to approach her and introduce himself. He was met with a very dismissive reaction from Chaya, which only left him feeling more intrigued and attracted to her. Some time went by before he spotted her again one Sunday afternoon. This time he was determined to introduce himself and learn her name, and he was prepared with a funny, engaging follow-up that he hoped would disarm her and maybe allow them to talk.
Maybe Chaya was caught off guard or just feeling generous, but she actually slowed down enough to hear Adam out and laugh at his desperate plea to engage her. She allowed him to sit down next to her for a few minutes, explaining to Adam that she was an Orthodox young woman and as such, did not engage with strange men, let alone those who did not wear a yarmulke and were clearly not religious.
I felt this was a good time to pull Chaya into the storytelling and also see if her memories aligned with her husband’s. So, I turned my attention to Chaya and asked her to weigh in on her memories of their original meeting and how it proceeded from there.
Chaya shared that she grew up in a sincere, close-knit, Modern Orthodox family. There was never any question about “sticking with your own kind,” and the thought of talking to a strange man in the park was so far removed from her comfort zone that she still seemed shocked that she allowed herself to be drawn into a conversation with Adam. “Looking back,” Chaya explained, “I suppose I can understand how my being only 18-years-old, naïve, and definitely flattered that this handsome, refined-looking young man seemed so smitten with me caught me off guard. Though I do remember straight off the bat that I explained to Adam that our talking was wildly inappropriate and it wouldn’t happen again, I often think back on that moment and wonder what my life would look like had I not allowed myself to be pulled into something that my gut told me wouldn’t end well.” The pain and confusion were easy to read on Chaya’s face as she continued to recall the beginning of their coming together as a couple. “At this point, I knew that roller blading in the park would certainly lead to bumping into Adam. And yet, something kept drawing me back to the scene of the crime,” Chaya shared with a sarcastic tone.
Chaya went on. “At some point, I suggested to Adam that he speak to a Chabad Rabbi who I had a lovely relationship with and truly admired and adored and I thought speaking to him would be a good place for Adam to explore what it means to be an Orthodox Jew. They connected immediately, as I knew that they would, and Adam started his journey toward becoming a ba’al teshuvah. It was a hopeful, exciting time for us since we had a very strong chemistry together. Though I do recall my parents warning me that this could possibly not end well. They were quite fond of Adam, but feared that after the romance ended, Adam would question what he got himself into.”
“My parents definitely had foresight into the reality of the situation,” bemoaned Chaya. “After the first of our three children was born, Adam started to feel restricted on many levels. He loves our children, and he always stepped up to be a good father, but that pressure, in addition to all the mitzvos he took on religion-wise, started becoming too much for him. Cracks started showing in his commitment to Yiddishkeit. Although at home, in front of me and the family, Adam does the right thing, I know that once he leaves our home, all bets are off. I’m having a very difficult time living with the fact that my husband is no longer a religious man. It breaks my heart. I just can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
Much of couples therapy entails improving the communications skills of two people, which must involve the capacity for empathy combined with finding a place of compromise, where each party feels they are getting what they need. It was clear that Adam and Chaya both had excellent communications skills as they described their individual journeys that brought them to this point in time. Also, they both understood why the other was in pain and didn’t blame them for feeling the way they did. Both Adam and Chaya possessed empathy in spades.
The roadblock was that they both had compelling stories that validated their present needs, and despite our best efforts, the three of us struggled to figure out what a compromise might look like. There didn’t seem to be any that made sense for either of them. Adam and Chaya are not the only couple that find themselves in different places religiously. However, for some couples, when that happens, the compromise looks like walking the walk and talking the talk at home, and then, when outside the home, living what they consider to be their authentic life. Some people can live like that, and even live happily that way. Chaya made it very clear that she could not.
Though apologetic and taking responsibility for making promises that he ultimately could not keep, Adam nevertheless felt that his initial encounter with Chaya left him feeling bewitched. He wasn’t in his normal state of mind since he was so smitten with her. He offered up no solid excuses, but he couldn’t ignore his present reality.
Though they initially came to see me as a last-ditch effort, neither Adam nor Chaya saw how this marriage could be saved. They did, however, continue to each see me individually and occasionally together, to work on feelings of guilt, betrayal, anger, and ultimately, when would be the right time to call it quits. In the interim, we also worked on finding tools to live in harmony, despite the unsettled nature of their marriage.
Somehow, they are still meandering along, probably because they truly do love each other despite their religious differences. Maybe someday Adam will be motivated to return to the fold. Or maybe someday Chaya may decide that it’s in her best interest to overlook Adam’s religious choices. In the meantime, they are both working on their anger, disappointment, and choices—under the same roof. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, [email protected].
