Question:
I know this may be a hard topic for you to discuss, but I would love to get your perspective. My son is in REDACTED grade in REDACTED yeshiva, and he’s having a waste of a year. It’s not that his rebbe is doing a bad job; I just feel they’re not connecting this year. My son is going through the motions. He davens and does okay in class, but I feel like he’s not gaining in Yiddishkeit. Call it mother’s intuition. Is there something I can do?
Answer:
I apologize for redacting so much of this email, but a lot of the information needed to be kept private. Your question is a very good one and is shared by many other mothers. I am not saying that fathers don’t feel that way, but mothers have a special understanding about their children, and can usually pick up the subtle vibes the child is giving off.
I know what you’re talking about. Your son doesn’t have that excitement that we dream about for our children. He doesn’t come home talking about what happened in class or about something special that he learned that day. He does his work like a robot, getting decent grades and participating just enough to get himself through the year.
As a parent, this is so hard to watch. It’s even more difficult if your son had a great connection the year before. In a way it feels like he’s regressing, and you’re watching helplessly. While there are no quick fixes, in many cases this can be helped to some degree. I don’t think you’ll be able to completely change it around, but you can certainly alleviate the problem somewhat, and make the year a bit more exciting.
First, you need to meet with the rebbe. This shouldn’t be a phone call or an e-mail. You need to meet in person, and preferably with your spouse. If the rebbe asks what the meeting is about, you should tell him it’s about your son’s future. You don’t need, or even necessarily want, any administration at the meeting. In some yeshivos, the administration will offer to come. You can simply tell them, “I would like to straighten out the issue with the rebbe before involving administration, if possible.”
The tone of the meeting is very important. You don’t want the rebbe to be on the defensive. You’re simply trying to ascertain what each party can do to give your son the excitement that he craves. Don’t focus on, or even bring up, how amazing the last year was; it’s not relevant. You want to discuss what can be done to make this year more meaningful. Let the rebbe know your son’s likes and dislikes, who his friends are, and which boys he’s not as comfortable with.
Hopefully, this will help. If not, you need to have a discussion with the menahel. Again, you need to make clear that this isn’t a personal attack on the rebbe. Your job as a mother is to look out for your child. Rabbi Herzberg, z’l, used to reiterate that every yeshiva has certain responsibilities; one of them is to make sure that any mother who’s worried for her child has a voice.
Explain to the menahel why you think your son is not as motivated as he had been, and give him as much information as possible. There are many times when the menahel will have a solution you didn’t even think of. A menahel’s job description includes coming up with solutions for issues like this, and it’s a smart move to hear him out. He might ask for a few days to think about it, which is fine. You need to understand that he’s on your side and is looking out for your son’s best interests.
If you still feel that it’s not resolved, you need to reevaluate. Is it worth making this into a big issue if your son is still learning well? It might not be. If the menahel feels that you should let it go for the year, or give it a few more weeks, that’s okay. If, however, you feel that it’s going to have a serious effect on him, then you should get in touch with your rav and ask for his guidance.
There are a few other things I would like to share on this subject.
- We’re very quick to blame the rebbe for a boy not being motivated. There are many other things that can cause a boy to become withdrawn. Sometimes, having him speak to a qualified therapist is a good idea.
- Just because there is a parallel class doesn’t mean he should switch to it. Frequently, this causes more harm than good, and it also teaches your child that if there’s a problem, he can always just move away rather than confront it. That’s not a great life lesson.
- Having an older boy in the neighborhood mentor your son is a great idea. Find a boy your son looks up to, and make sure this boy is a good role model. It shouldn’t be too expensive, and it can really help reignite the spark.
- You should not discuss this problem with other parents in the class. This usually becomes a “rebbe-bashing symposium” and is lashon ha’ra. Certainly, this should not go on a chat. Posting “Does anyone else find that their son is missing an excitement about Yiddishkeit?” is a huge mistake and will hurt a lot of people.
- This might sound clichéd, but daven a little extra for this child. Sometimes, kids fall into a rut and need an extra push. Davening for them is a great way to help.
- Lastly, it’s okay to have a mommy–son afternoon, even during school. It shouldn’t be a common occurrence, and it should not include serious discussions. You’re just letting him know that you love him.
Wishing you hatzlachah.
Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly emails and read the comments, visit YidParenting.com.
