He Said/She Said

DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!

For those of you who have been following this column, I think it’s pretty obvious that marital discord can sometimes arise from the smallest differences as well as from very serious matters.

Sometimes it seems as though the problems that motivate people to seek help are not necessarily due to differences of opinion or values so much as an inability to communicate successfully, resulting in shortcomings when it comes to listening, understanding their partner, and processing the message that lies underneath any particular outburst.

However, if I had to identify three specific issues that can truly wreak havoc in a marriage, I would have to say differences related to religion, in-laws, and finances. These three areas can wiggle their way into relationships in all sorts of unexpected and damaging ways. Erwin and Helen represent one such couple. Both were previously married and encountered many slippery slopes in their relationship, but the one that was hardest to surmount was the area of finances.

“My biggest regret,” began Erwin, “was that we didn’t come to talk to you before we got married. I think we could have figured a lot of this stuff out in advance, or despite how much I love Helen, perhaps we may have realized that marriage was not a good option for us.”

After some conversation with both Erwin and Helen, I learned that Erwin was divorced with three children. Between maintenance and child support, he paid his ex-wife large sums of money each month. Erwin presented as a very caring and generous man. Most important to him was that his children should never feel as though they had to do without just because their parents could not stay married. So, he was very generous when it came to his divorce agreement. Though Erwin earned a high salary, after meeting his monthly obligations, he was left with just enough to cover his basic necessities.

Helen, on the other hand, not only received a monthly check from her ex-husband, but also had a very good career and earned a good salary. Additionally, Helen worked hard and liked to play hard. She loved vacationing as often as possible, even if it meant taking a long weekend to some sunny island. Helen also loved eating out. She viewed it as a “reward” or a mini vacation” for her hard work, and enjoyed the experience of being served in an upscale restaurant.

Helen’s assumption (and we know what they say about making assumptions) was that if she and Erwin traveled or ate out, they would each pay 50-50. Though Erwin would have been more than happy to enjoy these special times with Helen and contribute equally, he just didn’t have the extra income to do so. He also didn’t want Helen to pay for him although she never actually offered.

Another consequence of their financial situation was that Helen was able to buy luxuries for her three children that Erwin could not afford for his. Though his two sons lived with their mother, when they stayed at their home every other weekend, the disparity between the children’s stuff was painfully obvious for Erwin.

“As you can see,” Erwin continued, “these are things that we should have anticipated before we got married. Thinking back, we were both coming off horrific marriages and were so thrilled to meet someone who was on the same wavelength. We quickly fell very hard for each other. And that hasn’t changed. But because our feelings were so powerful and comforting after suffering through disastrous marriages, we never stopped to do the math and figure out how to make this work in real time. I’m not sure there is a solution. The only thing I can think of is maybe we should have waited until I was finished making payments to my ex-wife, but I can’t even imagine how that would have been sustainable. In the meantime, this situation is not making me feel very successful or manly. I have never felt as inadequate as I feel right now. It’s almost as if I’m not rising to the challenge, not good enough, not able to take care of my wife the way she wants and deserves.”

Helen is a polished-looking woman in her late thirties who sat during Erwin’s monologue, looking very forlorn. When I turned to her to see if her experience matched up with Erwin’s, she basically confirmed much of what he had said, although she didn’t realize how deeply the situation was affecting him on an emotional level. “It makes me sad to hear Erwin saying such disparaging things about himself,” she said. “Erwin is such an amazing man. I count my lucky stars every day that I was fortunate enough to meet someone so kind, caring, and in sync with me. Yes, there have been times when I was frustrated that he can’t pay his fair share when we go out. I guess on principle it bothered me, but I never actually realized how much more it bothered Erwin than it bothered me.”

When I asked them what they thought would have happened if they had come to see me in advance of getting engaged, they responded in unison that no matter what, they would have gotten married. “So,” I responded, “the necessary yet missing opportunity that neither of you had was the chance to work out the practicalities and emotional part of your two very different financial situations. And perhaps if you can do that now, though the stakes are higher, since you’ve both experienced the downside of never having had that hard conversation in advance, I still believe we can still make good things happen.”

Both Erwin and Helen looked as though a huge weight had been lifted off their shoulders. And so, we proceeded.

More often than not, there is a significant backstory to the presenting problem. One of the major reasons why Helen divorced her first husband was because he was unable to get and hold a job for most of their marriage. Obviously, this was a consequence of the greater problems he suffered from. Almost from the start of their marriage, Helen was the sole breadwinner while also raising their children and running the home. Her ex was basically a very troubled husband and father who only managed to contribute pain and hardship. Though Helen reminded herself that at her core, she was an extremely generous person, she failed to connect the dots as to why she was so triggered when it came to treating Erwin to an occasional dinner out. Clearly it brought up painful memories of her life with her ex. In reality, Erwin was nothing like her ex. On the contrary, he was an extremely hard-working, generous man with a great sense of integrity. Helen needed time to sort through her reactions. With time, she did.

Erwin was wrestling with tremendous guilt over how his poor choices impacted his children and subsequently Helen. He was trying his hardest to be all things to all people. But despite the best of intentions, that is often not possible. In the worst-case scenario, such intentions could lead to not being fully present for anyone.

Because of both of their individual histories of failed marriages, there was a lot to unpack here. Our sessions focused on working through Helen’s pain and Erwin’s guilt. Once they were able to do their personal work and have a better understanding of each other’s experience, working out the details of how to sort through their financial challenges wasn’t all that difficult.

Together, they managed to create a new normal for themselves free of unnecessary emotions that only bogged them down. In place of the could have, would have, should have, they began to live their lives from the perspective of what was most satisfying for both of them, rather than what looked right on paper. Sometimes we have to throw away tightly-held beliefs about the way things should be and build a new hypothesis that creates a much better bottom line. Which is what Erwin and Helen did—in a very loving way. n

Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, [email protected].