DATING FORUM

Question

I officially started dating for marriage because, like everyone tells me, it’s time for me to get a wife. So, I’ve been dating a lot and it’s really getting expensive. In the beginning, my father would come up with some great ideas for dates, like dinners and shows and other fun places. My buddies all told me that I’m crazy and it’s not like when our parents dated back in the day. They say that guys are getting cheaper on dates and girls don’t expect them to spend much. My parents don’t agree. They feel that if a guy spends very little on a date, it says something about him. My father claims that he wined and dined all his dates. My mother always talks about how he took her to all the expensive restaurants way back when.

Most of the girls I go out with the first time never agree to a second date, so you can see why I hesitate spending a lot of money on individual dates. The reason why I’m writing to you is because that’s how it has been until now. Then I was introduced to a girl who I was not too crazy about since she’s a it more “Modox” than I am. Anyway, we did go out and I started liking her. The thing is that she makes more money than I do and now she’s used to me spending a lot on our dates. I knew it would be a problem when our dates became just coffee, drinks, sushi, or pizza. Now her parents think I’m cheap and they actually called my parents about it! Guess you figured out by now that it’s serious enough that our parents are talking to each other back and forth. My father is not happy with me that I’m cheap, but I don’t feel like spending my whole salary on dating her for the next several months. What’s your take on this matter?

Response

I find it disturbing that her parents actually called your parents to complain that you are being cheap with their daughter on your dates. I don’t mean to be disrespectful when referring to them, but a call on something so frivolous is not common. Quite frankly, and I know this is going to sound harsh, this is not normal behavior. Even if both sets of parents are friends from a long time ago, it sounds like they are assessing your character based on the amount of money you spend on dates.

As I always try to be fair and not criticize someone who has not had the chance to explain their side of the story, I feel it’s possible that they may have had experiences with their daughter who is dating you, or another daughter, or perhaps they may have heard about guys who start off spending a lot of money on dates and eventually turn frugal. Frugality is scary when thinking that life with such a man will amount to a wife needing to defend every dollar she spends.

Your friends are right, but only when it comes to dating a considerate young lady. When you start adding up the number of dates a guy may have to go on with different young ladies before it becomes serious, it becomes a substantial number. There is little chance that most young guys are making enough money to wine and dine every young lady they take out. Those who do treat their dates to expensive restaurants or other activities are usually funded by their parents, and not every guy wants to put his parents out that way. Although your father encouraged you to be generous, you don’t mention if he is assisting you financially other than supporting you at home. On the contrary, you state, “I don’t feel like spending my whole salary on dating her for the next several months.” I’m not implying that your parents assist you, but nobody should be telling you to empty your bank account either, nor should anyone be counting or spending your money.

I don’t know what your father’s financial situation was as a young man dating that he was able to heavily invest on dates, but I assure you that it was not the standard manner of dating. In fact, it used to be that a pizza date was appreciated, though not necessarily by everyone. Unless a young lady was looking to marry a very wealthy man, she did not gauge his character by how much he spent on dates.

Your father needs to understand that dating has become cost prohibitive. Restaurants are getting more and more expensive, as are shows, etc. Worse, it becomes a vicious cycle where the more money a man spends, the more is expected of him to spend lest the young lady not feel impressed by the way he is treating her. There are plenty of cases where, after spending thousands of dollars on a young lady, she breaks off the relationship when she starts to believe that he is getting what she considers to be cheap with her.

I typically recommend that guys spend as little money as possible in the early stages of dating. Doing otherwise will result in disappointment, as in your case. This entire set of circumstances where a guy spends a lot of money on his dates as a determining factor in how much money he has is total nonsense. There are too many stories of how a man spent money like water on his dates, including showering the young lady with expensive gifts, only to penny pinch after they get married.

Quite frankly, you did this all wrong. It was in the beginning stages of dating when you should have spent a moderate amount of money on the date, and only after it reached a serious stage should you have begun to spend more. However, you followed your father’s advice and did what you assumed is necessary for how a young man treats his dates.

You are in the serious stage of dating, which means you are seeing each other more often, so you might feel that there is no reason at this point to impress her, and you likely feel that she gets who you are as a person and spending quality time together is something you assumed she would appreciate. With the right young lady that thinks like you, that would be exactly how it would have progressed.

From what you are telling me, it sounds like you are at the stage where you are genuinely interested in advancing this relationship, and you had hoped that she is too, and maybe she is, but it sounds like she is losing interest in you, unless you shape up to the way things were in the dollars and cents department. In her mind, she is feeling cheated, and not only do her parents agree with her, they are also proactive in compelling you to make changes.

My advice is that both sets of parents should stay out of it and I’m hoping you have some sort of line of communication with the young lady. Talk to her in person and ask her why her parents are calling your parents to complain about you not spending more on expensive dates. More importantly, you need to find out if she was on board with that call or if she was mortified that her parents did something so embarrassing without consulting with her first. If it turns out that she did not know that her parents were going to do that, she is still not off the hook because that would mean she complained to them about you. It could be that she is used to a certain type of lifestyle, and her parents want to make sure that you can provide for her in the way she is accustomed to living. If that is not something you want or can do, now would be the time to back out. It sounds like you are being unfairly judged by the money you spend on dates and the least important aspect in a marital relationship is how much money you put aside for recreation. Your priorities do not seem to align when it comes to finances, and her parents’ involvement in something so petty now is quite telling about what you can expect from them down the line. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].