DATING FORUM
Question
I’ve been a regular reader of your column for several years and can really benefit from your helpful advice. While three of our children are, B’H, happily married, the fourth, a daughter, has not had much hatzlachah.
First, she suffered a broken engagement. We were all excited when she finally found a good guy, then all of a sudden, a whole other side to his personality came out. He became controlling, which included where she shopped. He forbade her from shopping at Gourmet Glatt or Seasons, and allowed her to only shop at “off brand” stores. He also tried to set limits as to how often they could come to us for Shabbos once they were married. Needless to say, she dodged a bullet.
She found a guy whom she thought was “the one” and they got married. Unfortunately, things went south, but now she is expecting his child, so they are tied together forever. But at the same time, she’s miserable and has not lived with him for the past several weeks. Do you think it’s worth it for us to push her to stay with him for the sake of the child? Or, since their relationship has been rocky for so long, should she cut ties at this point? Our daughter is very giving and caring and we just want what’s best for her and our future grandchild.
Response
While I always make it clear that I am not a licensed marriage counselor, nor do I attempt to dabble in marriage counseling, I regularly receive calls, texts, and emails from individuals (and concerned parents) if their marriage should be saved or if they should end it.
Just yesterday, I received a text from a woman (who got my phone number from a mutual friend) who is seeing a marriage counselor without her spouse; nevertheless, this therapist told her they cannot help her make a decision about a marriage that is not “fixable.” She asked if she should stay in the marriage and “suffer for the sake of the children,” or if she should get divorced. She stressed that she no longer cares about her own happiness, and will stay in the marriage if it means her children will not come from a broken home.
She also asked me for a referral for a rabbi so she can ask him that same question. Since she was not willing to share what hashkafah she follows (to maintain her privacy), I was unsure which rabbi to refer her to. There was a little more back-and-forth texting between us in which she shared a little bit of her problem, but not enough for me to understand what the underlying issues in her marriage might be.
What I stressed to her is something I stress to anyone seeking advice regarding whether they should divorce their spouse or stay in the marriage, and that is that no one should get divorced if they think they’ll find a better spouse or even nice, divorced friends. The world of divorced singles is harsh and sometimes downright dangerous. If a person is willing to accept that they may have to live alone for the rest of their life just to avoid living with their spouse (to avoid abuse), that is the only time to consider getting a divorce. Otherwise, whatever problems they have now can be much worse as a divorced person, even if they remarry (in which case they trade one set of problems for another).
In your case, you gave detailed information about an engagement your daughter ended prior to her marriage. You succinctly described a controlling individual with a “my way or the highway” type of attitude. She was lucky he revealed his true character beforehand and did not wait until after they were married. Unfortunately, life did not get better for your daughter when she later met and married who she assumed was the one, but as you stated, “things went south.”
I don’t know in what way things did not improve for her, because the only thing you mention as being “troublesome” is that she is now pregnant and miserable. You ask if it’s worth it for you to push her to stay with her husband for the sake of the child or since it’s been rocky for so long if it would be better to cut ties at this point, yet you don’t make any mention about what is making her so miserable that she is no longer even living with him.
If your daughter is being abused by her husband, whether it’s physical, emotional, verbal, financial, or any other type of abuse, then it should not even be a question that divorce is the only option. Abuse of any sort cannot and should not be tolerated. This also includes using screaming and shouting as a means to intimidate or frighten one’s spouse, or even giving the silent treatment until they get what they want. If the behavior causes the spouse to doubt their own sanity (i.e., gaslighting), that too is intolerable. I am hoping that since you did not indicate abuse, that none of those factors exist and there is something else going on that is making her miserable.
I will not play a guessing game as to why she’s so unhappy that she left her husband while pregnant. You make no mention about a marriage counselor, nor did you mention how her husband feels about saving their marriage. If abuse is part of the problem, regardless if she’s pregnant or not, the marriage is likely not salvageable. What often happens in cases where the husband abuses the wife (or vice versa), is that they eventually end up abusing the children, too. Furthermore, children witnessing negative relationship patterns assume it’s okay to abuse and it becomes a generational curse.
On the chance that abuse is not the issue, I will share a story that happened regarding a situation where someone I knew well reached out to me about her husband. She was unhappy in her marriage and she shared with me that he is not exciting to her, he holds down a meager job, and she basically thinks that her friends have better husbands. I made sure to probe in various ways to find out if she was being abused in any way, and it was clear that abuse was never an issue. What was clear to me was that she was miserable in her marriage. I shared with her exactly what I stated earlier, that life as a divorced woman is not a happy one, and there are many unsavory characters roaming the divorced scene looking for new “targets,” i.e. vulnerable women who are as yet unaware of their reputations.
She assured me that she is savvy enough to know the difference, and that she is certain that finding a new husband to remarry would not be a problem for her. Once I was satisfied that there was no pikuach nefesh in her staying with her husband (emotional or physical), I devised a plan.
I invited her to join me as a facilitator for a very specific singles’ event where I knew that none of the men would be of any interest to her. At the event, I assured her that the men at this event and other events are not better than the man (her husband) she had waiting for her at home. This happened several years ago, and not only are they still married, B’H, she is no longer contemplating divorce. I had other cases where divorced women reached out to me to help them get back with their husbands after discovering that there was no line out the door of men who were seeking their hands in marriage.
I mentioned some of these stories in previous columns, and I’m bringing it up now because if there is any way you can save your daughter’s marriage, I urge you to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Leave no stone unturned. Seek out a good couples’ therapist where they both attend together. Additionally, it would also be beneficial for your daughter to seek therapy on her own as well.
The grass always looks greener on the other side, but the truth is that if you water your own grass regularly, the grass will be just as green if not greener and prettier on your side. Instead of seeking something better elsewhere, one should focus on investing the time and energy required to make their relationship thrive better than ever. There is a good reason for the phrase, “the grass is greener where you water it.” n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
