By Baila Sebrow
Question
I am a middle-aged woman, and after a long marriage and subsequent divorce, I find myself in the singles scene. I know that I look young, and I’m an accomplished person. The problem is that I write my real age on shidduch résumés, dating apps, and event applications, and people assume that I must be older, because everyone lies. A few times I was accused of lying and was told that I must be older than I say!
When men actually lie about their age, they get away with it, and shadchanim will even lie for them! I know of women who lied about their age, and when it was found out, they were bashed for it, but the men never get bashed.
I’m not that picky about age. I will happily date men who are even 10 years older than me. I don’t mind that people know my true age, but finding a shidduch then becomes impossible, and only very old men will go out with me. Everyone tells me to lie, like other people looking for a shidduch. But I really don’t want to lie about my age—and I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life!
Response
It sounds cliché, but people see in others what’s in themselves. Dishonest people always assume that the person they are dealing with is misleading them. I once had a client I was coaching and helping with shidduchim. He complained that every woman with whom he had a relationship was deceptive, and he wanted my help. I found it curious that he was allegedly attracting only such women. He kept using the word “deceptive” and he described the various deceptions, like people photoshopping their pictures and lying about their past.
The photoshopping of pictures did not surprise me, because that is common and noticeable. However, I couldn’t fathom how he came to discover other deceptions. He smiled and confessed that he looks through old messages and e-mails on the woman’s phone. He described how one woman left her phone on the table when she went to freshen up, and he used those minutes to gather information that proved she lied to him. He admitted to hacking the phone of another woman with whom he was in a long relationship, and he found messages and e-mails from many years ago.
In each case, he confronted the woman and demanded an explanation. I interjected and said, “You mean you ambushed the woman with unauthorized information and accused her of whatever wrongdoing you felt she committed.” He sheepishly agreed. After further discussion it turned out that he cheated on his ex-wife, and she discovered it through phone and credit card statements. That and other issues led to the fracture of his marriage. He was still traumatized from that, and when he dates any woman, he suspects her of wrongdoing and confronts her.
As a shadchan, I have networked with other shadchanim who assume clients are lying about their age, unless it’s a very young person in his or her early twenties. Sometimes it gets really bad, and singles are not permitted to attend certain events because they are accused of lying about their age. Oftentimes, the honest single man or woman will offer to send a photo of their driver’s license to prove their sincerity!
I do not condone lying about age. It’s silly and pointless, because age is the easiest thing to verify, but as some men and women seeking a shidduch have told me, “It gets my foot in the door.” In other words, they believe that when they date a person who likes them so much, age will not matter.
I will share another case where lying about age backfired terribly. A woman got married under the pretense that she was younger than her true age, and the lie was discovered during her sheva berachos. Her chassan told her that if he had known her true age, he never would have married her. The marriage dissolved before all sheva berachos were completed.
So, lying about age should never be done, as it directly affects the other person’s decision to date or marry you.
It is true that men get away with it more easily than women. Society tends to be forgiving to men who lie about their age, because, to a great extent, people accept that a man wants to marry a younger woman, and there are shadchanim who will most definitely lie on a man’s behalf. Women do not get that same free pass.
As an honest person living in a world with a great percentage of dishonest people, you are going through a challenging journey. Many advisers will tell you to go ahead and lie, or to say the truth and the right person won’t care. Lying will backfire. Even telling the truth can backfire. As soon as one person suspects you of being older than you say, word on the street will make you even older than your years.
Though you don’t look your age and are accomplished, you feel that a number on your résumé should not stand in your way. You are correct. Moreover, you sound like a confident person. Kol ha’kavod to you. The real question is: “How can you find a worthy man to share your life with?”
You are being very reasonable in agreeing to date men who are 10 years your senior. Many women are not amenable to that. You say that you are middle-aged. I don’t know what that means to you, but I respect that you don’t feel comfortable sharing that information to keep your anonymity. That said, I need to explain how the difference in ages can affect you. If you are in your late forties, and it is assumed you are in your fifties, a man who still hopes to have children will automatically decline you. If you are in your mid-fifties or older and it is assumed that you are even older than your years, the issue can be that a man who is really within the age range that you would date will decline you based on the fact that you are older than a woman he is comfortable dating. In general, even when a man says he dates women in his age range, oftentimes he still reverts to the mentality of finding a younger woman.
For those who currently have your shidduch résumé, there is nothing you can do about that, except hope that no one accuses you of lying. In the future, do not put your age on your résumé. If someone is interested in you, they will contact you to find out your age. The second anyone contradicts you and accuses you of lying, never deal with that person again.
Dating apps or other internet shidduch sites require age disclosure. Though people lie there too, that is not something that you will do, and if you feel that you will be suspected of lying when in fact you are being truthful, my recommendation is to stay away from those opportunities. In your case, it is best to stick with the old-fashioned way of meeting compatible men—shadchanim and singles events—and to stay away from the applications. Will there still be people accusing you of lying? Absolutely. Just so you know, there are women who get jealous of other women seeking a similar shidduch who may tell men that you are older than you are. There is no way to stop that from happening.
I will make another recommendation to you that you might find interesting. A few months ago, I received a letter from a 52-year-old divorced black Jewish woman who was a convert and could not find a shidduch. To make a long story short, shadchanim disregarded her, even though she is accomplished, attractive, and youthful-looking. In my response, I validated her and gave her advice on what she can do to be proactive in finding a shidduch. The woman then posted my article on social media, and a man who had recently been widowed read it and reached out to her. The couple recently celebrated their wedding, baruch Hashem!
People endure various plights, but with social media, things that were recently kept hidden are now in the open. The reason I shared that story with a happy ending is because I am encouraging you to try that. You are not the only woman experiencing such a dilemma. This is an ongoing problem. Please feel free to share this article on your social media sites. You will for sure receive much validation from women, and men too. And who knows? Perhaps a nice man reading your letter will reach out to you because he will appreciate your honesty and that you will not do anything to compromise your integrity. Be a leader in your own right. Leaders thrive under pressure and remain calm. The outcome will be that you will gain a life partner who respects you and admires your tenacity in sticking to your guns.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
