Question
I once heard someone (a shtickel rav) say in a speech that because no one is doing anything for older singles and they are delayed getting married, it prevents so many children from being born; he called it a Holocaust to the nation. Older singles are suffering, and it’s related to the Churban that we just fasted for on Tishah B’Av. Our population is not growing at all. There should be a protest against shadchanim about the shidduch crisis, because they don’t want to set up older singles and give them a fair chance. They are so judgmental! People love talking lashon ha’ra about older singles and they make up stories about them that are not true. Rabbanim, shuls, and frum communities don’t do anything to stop what’s going on either. In general, nobody cares! Please write about this problem because I want to hear what you suggest.
Response
Thank you for bringing this serious matter to the forum at this time of the year. I agree that the population of Bnei Yisrael has a low growth rate. Regarding your analogy of older singles and the Holocaust, I will say that after the Holocaust there was an increase of marriages among all hashkafic circles. At that point in time, nobody cared about yichus (which was one of the top priorities among the European Jews prior to World War II), nor did anyone care about other matters like they did when times were good, as is prevalent in our times today. After enduring so much personal tragedy and surviving the atrocities of the war, unmarried survivors had a better understanding about what is important as it relates to a shidduch.
Here is what is really going on with older singles. There is no communal shidduch crisis for older singles, because not every person is single for the same reason. Those who are considered older and single find themselves with that status for their own personal reasons. Blaming shadchanim or others helps no one, least of all the single men and women. On the contrary, it is creating serious harm by diverting responsibility from many individuals who might be able to make adjustments to their own circumstances.
It is not a given that every older single man or woman wants to get married. For those who are married, it is difficult to grasp such a concept, but the fact is that there are singles—whether they have never been married or are divorced—who have no interest in getting married. Some of them say they do, but when one takes the time to get to know them on a personal level, there are plenty who admit that marriage is not what they seek, even if they run from singles event to singles event, and go on dates via shadchanim or other venues. When it comes time to make the move toward marriage, they find every excuse, real or imagined, to get out of a future relationship.
About shadchanim: There are those who should not be doing shidduchim altogether. However, every active shadchan wants to make a shidduch, or else he or she would not be a shadchan. Success for a shadchan is making shidduchim, even more so when it involves a challenging shidduch. Whether the shadchan is paid to make matches or is doing shadchanus l’sheim mitzvah, nothing brings more joy to a shadchan than hearing the exciting news that a man and woman got engaged because he or she introduced them to each other.
To be fair, there are shadchanim who only deal with younger ages, but those shadchanim typically also only deal with specific hashkafic circles, too. There is nothing wrong with a professional limiting his or her practice area. Would you blame a gastroenterologist for refusing to treat a patient with a cardiac issue? There are internists who take on patients with all kinds of issues, but not every practitioner, whether physician, lawyer, etc., will do that. It’s the same with shadchanim. There are those who deal with all types of singles, from ages 18–120, while others have narrowed down their clientele, either because of what they believe is their expertise or due to time constraints.
However, there are plenty of shadchanim who gear their efforts to older singles. When you say that shadchanim are not giving older singles a fair chance, which shadchanim are you referring to? The ones who choose to deal only with younger singles or the ones who deal with older singles, too? If you are referring to the shadchanim who don’t even deal with older singles, how can they give a fair chance to someone when the criteria he or she is looking for isn’t even in that shadchan’s database? The shadchanim who deal with older singles do give older singles their fair chance, and are not judgmental, as you say, except in very specific circumstances—for example, an older person insists on a much younger person, or someone will only date a wealthy person. There are unfortunate cases where a young woman has several children, and men in her age bracket don’t feel emotionally or financially capable of taking on such a “burden.” There is also the attraction factor, as well as a host of many other reasons.
One of shadchanim’s woes is when their clients are difficult to match because what they are seeking is not available to them. It is analogous to a house search. If you tell a realtor that you want to buy a big house in an affluent neighborhood and you cannot afford to buy a home there, is that the relator’s fault? Does that make the realtor judgmental? A good realtor will try to find you a smaller house in that neighborhood, or perhaps a larger house in a different neighborhood. But realtors and shadchanim are not magicians, and they cannot create what is not available to their particular client, no matter how much the client wants it. It is up to a client to take stock of what he or she can bring to the table in accordance with what is available to him or her and make personal adjustments to requirements and priorities.
Rabbanim are very sensitive to the dilemma of all singles seeking shidduchim, and most larger congregations address the issue of shidduchim; whether it’s in the form of redding shidduchim or Tehillim groups, the compassion is there. Then there are hundreds of WhatsApp groups where good people take time out of their lives to help singles they don’t even know, l’sheim mitzvah. Even before those groups existed, shidduch meetings used to take place on a weekly or monthly basis. I point out these facts because credit should be given where it is deserved.
Lashon ha’ra, the result of sinas chinam, is an issue in all aspects of life, and why we still have not seen binyan Beis HaMikdash. Older singles, sadly, are perfect targets for gossip-mongers. These bored individuals think they can explain why someone is still single, so they either make up something that is not true, or will spread something that is true but usually unrelated to why their victim of lashon ha’ra is still single. No one can stop anyone from talking about others, except spread the awareness that it is wrong to do so.
There are exceptions, where if someone is personally aware of a unique situation regarding a single man or woman and is asked about it, then not disclosing such information would be equivalent to placing a stumbling block before a blind person. But even in the case where someone is the victim of lashon ha’ra, not every shidduch is ruined by whatever is circulating. It is still an individual crisis.
You do not indicate if you are single or married, but you are writing to me for advice because you seek a solution to help the plight of older singles. For the ones who have no interest in marriage, leave them be. In fact, it would be assur to redt them a shidduch, because if all they seek is companionship, introducing them to a marriage-minded single person would be causing unnecessary pain to an unsuspecting innocent victim. Don’t bother convincing older non-marriage-minded people to get married either. That is not anybody’s job to do, unless you have been retained by them as a therapist.
If you have an older single family member or friend, and you believe that he or she is not making a good impression because of appearance, lack of social skills, fears, or perhaps unrealistic expectations about the type of person they want to date, instead of blaming everyone else, gently and respectfully assist that individual. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
