Question
My family and I follow your column every week and we always look forward to reading it, although I never thought the day would come when I would need to write to you for advice. I have to say that until now, I’ve had relatively good dating experiences. I mean, not every girl was for me and I was not shayach for every girl. But the experiences have been generally pleasant, even if it never went beyond the first date. I used to have a hard time believing some of the stories I heard from the guys, and I believed that it was the girls who had the harder time in shidduchim. That is, until something truly unbelievable happened to me.
What happened to me reminds me of a story I read in your column about people who used to trick their dates into getting into an argument to gauge their reaction. What happened to me was similar, and it happened on the very first date.
It all started when a family friend called to tell me about a girl. The shadchan did not give me the chance to look into her because they said the girl had already agreed to meet me. I didn’t want to offend the shadchan, so I agreed to see her and texted the girl about setting up a date. It took a few texts and phone calls to set up a time that worked for her. Her responses were always slow to arrive—sometimes taking several days. The same thing happened when I tried to call her.
It turned out the girl lives pretty far from me. Even with no traffic, it would take at least two hours to reach her. She was very specific about the time she wanted me to arrive, so I told her the hour she wanted to meet was rush hour and I will end up sitting in traffic for a very long time. I hinted that maybe she could meet me halfway so I could accommodate her at the time she requested. She refused, and I went along with her plan. I kept the shadchan informed every step of the way and was told to overlook the obvious and go out on the date.
Finally, the day arrived and it ended up taking me close to three hours to arrive in her town. I took her out for dinner at a place she requested, and the conversation was okay. Although I didn’t ask the waiter for the check, he dropped it off at the edge of the table while we were still eating, and it was blocked by all the food. I never saw the bill. When the waiter returned to clear the plates, I was about to pick up the bill when the girl grabbed it out of my hand, took out her credit card to pay, and gave it back to the waiter. I was very taken aback by that, and also felt insulted. I told her that I was treating her and wanted to pay. I said it a few times, but she would not let me pay and pushed the check in the waiter’s hand along with her credit card, insisting she would pay. I would literally have had to cause a scene to grab the check out of her hand and use my credit card. That’s how insistent she was.
I never had something like that happen to me before. When I got home, I was torn about what to do. Number one, it felt embarrassing about how she handled the whole matter and also because the girl was definitely not for me for other reasons too. I did not want a second date with her, but I felt that since she had made such a fuss about wanting to pay the check, I wanted to make sure that the next time I would be on guard and make sure she could not pay.
I decided that since it was a family friend who redt her to me, I would text her to say that I had a nice time and would like to go out with her again. She answered that she would not go out with me again and, “I’m looking for a guy with traditional gender values.” At that point, I immediately called the shadchan and described what happened on the date. The shadchan replied that the girl wanted to see if I would physically fight to get the check out of her hands and pay with my credit card! Mrs. Sebrow, I’m a gentleman, there is no way I would ever physically fight to take anything out of anyone’s hand, especially a girl I was on a date with. Plus, every girl that has ever dated me knows that I treat them to a nice restaurant, and always pick them up from their home. Anyway, to make a long story short, she was testing me, according to the shadchan. I’m sure she and her parents are probably complaining to everyone how their wonderful daughter can’t find a decent guy. Well, here you have my story, and I hope it helps other guys who get tricked like this in a similar fashion.
Response
I’m so sorry about your experience. Not only did you accommodate the young lady by driving several hours to meet her and take her out (uncommon these days), you had to endure being set up for a challenge to fail. If it’s any consolation to you, you dodged a fatal bullet with her. Being in a relationship with someone who is always looking to trick and challenge her boyfriend or husband would mean walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. This is a horrible way to live. This young lady demonstrated to you exactly what she’s about. The fact that they think you “failed” the test simply because as a gentleman, you refused to grab something out of her hands, shows that they think you failed precisely because you are a nice guy. How could that be a bad thing? Thank Hashem that you failed her nonsensical test! You will move on from this bizarre experience. Pay no mind to what she says about you or any other guys.
Though you do not state your age, it sounds like you are not a newbie to dating. Therefore, you have already established your reputation in the way you conduct yourself. Meaning, I’m sure that any young lady who you have previously dated will know that anything this girl says about you is simply not true. Your exemplary character is your witness.
In your letter, you referenced a letter to me in the Dating Forum that was published over five years ago. I thank you for your readership over the years. Since that letter applies somewhat to your case, a young man had written to me that his grandfather and his friends advised him to have a big fight with the young lady he was dating, and her reaction will be all that he needs to know about her. In that case, it was interesting to note that the grandfather did not approve of his relationship with a young lady. Baruch Hashem, the guy reached out to me before listening to that wacky advice. Such examples have come my way from time to time to the extent that it has become a “thing” to test people on dates.
I’m not sure who started this fad of trying to get someone they are dating stressed out or angry to see their reaction. The objective of this sick game is to see how the person will react under stressful situations or during an argument to determine their future behavior. Though it’s important to see as many character traits as possible of the person you’re dating, if they happen to have sociopathic tendencies, you will only find out as much as they want you to know. If you need proof of this, there are divorced people who claim the person they married behaved one way before the wedding and completely different once they were married.
In common dating scenarios, particularly when discussing marriage or wedding plans, there will come a time when a confrontational issue can arise. Even then, it could be that a normal person might temporarily lose their cool. Interestingly, I have heard of cases where the person who turned abusive after marriage handled stressful situations in a calm, respectful manner while dating. So, there goes this concept of testing how a person will react to determine their true character!
Regarding this whole fiasco of your first (and only) date with this young lady, here is where you were misguided in the way you handled the situation from the get-go. It sounds like you felt pressured to go out on a date with her. That was your first mistake. Then, when you saw that she did not respond to your texts and calls in a timely manner, and was inconsiderate of your traveling time, you still went out with her. That was your second mistake. With all that happened on the actual date, you felt compelled to ask her out yet again. That was your third mistake. Do you not see this was a non-starter from the beginning? I don’t care if the president of the United States makes a shidduch suggestion, if it doesn’t feel right, do not go along with it. The shadchan was probably trying to get a date for the young lady, and you were the target.
It is a halachic obligation to conduct thorough investigations into potential matches. In fact, the Gemara advises that one should not rush into marriage without a proper understanding of the person being redt. In a society where people date, it means that there is a need for a vast request for information. Rabbanim today recommend that the couple should not meet until both parties are satisfied with their investigations. You did none of that.
Moreover, I am puzzled by the fact that you immediately accepted a date with her because she said yes. It sounds like you are not new to dating, so you should know that not only should you have been asked first before agreeing to go on a date, giving in to pressure to go out with her just because she said yes is just plain wrong. I can’t even blame the shadchan who wanted to seal a deal. I blame you for not having the guts to say no to a date until you checked her out first. In this case, you didn’t even need to do much checking based on the way she conducted herself prior to your meeting her.
I’m happy to hear that your previous dating experiences were positive. I hope that this one example will not cause you to feel jaded. The ultimate goal of dating is to find one’s zivug and build a bayis neeman b’Yisrael with a spouse who respects you and shares your “traditional gender values” while demonstrating mutual kindness, respect, and thoughtfulness. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
