DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Couples argue. That’s just life. They argue about all sorts of things. From minor, unimportant things like forgetting to shut cabinets, to major topics like in-laws and where they are spending yom tov. A certain amount of arguing can actually be healthy when it leads to greater self-awareness, cognizance of their spouse’s perspective, and a relationship expansion.
However, constant arguing can also be stressful and unhealthy. A pattern of fighting can lead to toxic and harmful behaviors. It rarely has a happy ending.
There are hot buttons that undermine what would otherwise be a fine conversation, such as the tone of one’s voice or the attitude with which one is trying to communicate. And then there are more specific culprits that lead couples into predictable debates that morph into fighting, such as poor communication techniques, unmet needs, unresolved issues, and different values or priorities. Lack of trust and personal insecurities can also play a role in the build-up of tension and arguments. And then there are the common reasons that push couples into knocking heads: differences over child-rearing, money, intimacy, and in-laws. These are the four top instigators. But every couple has their own trigger points that often feel like a recurring theme, a daily nightmare that won’t go away.
It often takes the help of a marriage counselor to help couples understand the underlying causes of their tumultuous relationship and subsequently how to figure out a way to embrace conflict as a chance to strengthen their connection and find solutions together. It can sometimes feel like a long, winding road, but hopefully one that leads to a wonderful outcome. Just ask Avi and Debra.
He Said
Avi is just shy of thirty and clear about the fact that he doesn’t want to wind up like his parents did. And he is also very clear about the fact that he’s willing to do whatever work is necessary to live his best life, together with Debra. I asked him to elaborate on his background, since it’s usually the best place to start anyone’s journey toward growth and development.
“I’m always shocked and amazed when I think about my childhood and how little I, or any of my siblings for that matter, knew about the real family story,” Avi began. “I don’t remember ever seeing my parents fight or even argue. My parents were both professionals, busy with their careers. They were both, and still are, quiet people who don’t really share much of their feelings. Growing up, I thought we were a solid, happy family. “My best friend came from a very volatile home. When I spent time at his home, it always felt like a bomb would explode at any minute there was so much fighting and screaming. So, when I returned to my own home, it felt safe and normal.
“When I was thirteen years old, right after my bar mitzvah, my parents called me and my siblings into the dining room to make an announcement. They told us they were getting divorced. Now that was a real bomb exploding! I think we were all in such shock that none of us said anything. I know for myself it took a long time to fully understand what they were saying. Within a few months, my father moved out to an apartment that he must have found some time before and we were never given any explanation as to why they were divorcing. Till this day, I’m not sure what happened. What I do know for a fact is that they never fought. Never. And something inside of me always felt that maybe if they had argued and discussed their differences, they could have figured things out and stayed married. I blamed the silence.
“So, when Debra and I got married, I was determined to never just shove my feelings under the rug. I felt it was important to express everything openly and calmly. But from the beginning, Debra was not on the same page as me. While I saw arguing as something positive, Debra had the opposite response. She wanted no part of it. The more she clammed up, the more frustrated I found myself getting and the more determined I was to have a conversation about what was on my mind.
“So, that’s basically why we’re here. I’m worried that if we don’t learn how to argue properly (and I probably need to learn this as much as Debra does), we’ll end up like my parents. So many differences and so much resentment swept under the rug and then, G-d forbid, one day it all blows up between us and we’re too far gone to work things out.”
She Said
“Ari thinks that I never engage in arguing whatsoever. That’s simply not true. Ari also believes that since his childhood damaged him, I must also be damaged from my childhood, and my resistance to constant arguing must also be a product of my difficult years. I’m not saying my family was perfect, but we’re a great family. Yes, we all have some kinks in our personalities, but we’re a solid group. My parents have a beautiful marriage. I would be thrilled if Ari and I could find the same joy and comfort together that they found. Ari almost makes me feel guilty at times that I’m not messed up. Ari doesn’t seem to believe that’s even possible.
“I feel like if Ari had his way, we’d be arguing non-stop over everything. I’m at the point where I feel tired and drained from all the drama. And when I’m feeling worn down, I find myself questioning my value and that of my extended family even though deep down, I know the truth.
“I try to understand why Ari feels that arguing is imperative in a marriage based on his crazy childhood. But I think he is unable to find a middle ground. Yes, if we totally avoided all conflict, we probably wouldn’t stay together very long. But how much arguing is enough? How does a couple figure out what the tipping point is between a healthy amount of arguing and an unhealthy amount? I guess that’s why I’m here today. I think Ari and I both need someone to give us tools for how, when, and why we should argue so that it’s productive rather than counterproductive. If you could help us with that, we’d be thrilled.”
My Thoughts
Some people tend to project their experiences onto others. If they are feeling scared, they assume everyone else is feeling scared. If they are feeling angry, they assume everyone else is angry. And if they experienced a painful childhood, it’s not unheard of for them to assume that everyone else also had a painful, unhappy childhood. That was Ari’s first incorrect assumption. As we all looked a bit closer at Debra’s childhood, Ari had to take a leap from his knee-jerk beliefs and accept the fact that Debra wasn’t running away from any dark ideas about what is needed to make a marriage work. She was just seeking a healthy amount of tranquility in her marriage.
Once Ari and Debra were both clear on their new starting point, we spent a great deal of time working on the art of arguing, since yes, it is part of a healthy marriage, but like anything else taken to an extreme, it can become lethal.
We began by gaining a greater understanding of what Ari wanted to achieve through healthy arguing. Since Ari literally had no proper role models for what healthy arguing looked like, he was starting from square one. It was important for Ari to understand that it wasn’t about dominance or winning. And it certainly wasn’t the secret sauce for a successful marriage, but rather a necessary ingredient in the pursuit of growing together as a couple. Though Ari certainly needed more fine tuning than Debra, Debra wanted to be part of the process because she felt that she too could benefit from learning some tips.
Ari and Debra were both anxious to learn and grow and they wound up staying the course for quite some time. I will share some of the highlights we focused on that helped them both get a better handle on this very important topic.
First off, I suggested to Ari that he take some time to think about what he felt was important to say to Debra that risked being perceived as an argument. Was it really worth bringing up? Was he always considering Debra’s point of view based on that, able to determine whether it was something that really needed to be pursued? In other words, Ari needed to do some risk/reward analysis before speaking up. Was this particular comment necessary and helpful? Or the contrary?
We then focused on his style. Was Ari always clear about what concerned him? Did Debra help or hinder them regarding being certain to not leave things up in the air? In other words, if they opened up a specific can of worms, did they both use the opportunity to arrive at an understanding and compromise?
We focused quite a bit on becoming excellent communicators, which few people are. Listening fully and deeply to one another, learning how to get their points across without attacking each another, focusing on not raising their voices, and taking time to consider each other’s point of view. Apologizing when appropriate. And when necessary, allowing each other time to cool off if things get heated.
We took some time to talk about each other’s trigger points. Sharing them and learning to respect what they are and how to avoid them. Another useful hint I shared that may sound silly but can actually be very helpful is to prepare a “safe word” to use whenever one feels unsafe in order to pre-empt an argument.
The bottom line is that arguing is not only okay, but even necessary at times in order to gain clarity, reach compromises, and grow closer as a couple. It should not be seen as a goal unto itself, taking on a life of its own. Like many facets of marriage, it has a place and usefulness, but must be treated in a respectful and careful way. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
