As part of my professional work, I often perform forensic evaluations to assess individuals who are involved in legal proceedings. From time to time, I have to travel out-of-state to do these evaluations. Recently, I flew to a city in another state where I knew there was little Jewish presence. I also had heard over the years that this particular city had a reputation for being unwelcoming to my co-religionists. Whether or not that was true, duty demands that a person face various challenges in the performance of his job, and this situation was no different. I also realized that this situation posed a distinct challenge to me in that I might very well be the first Orthodox Jew that most of these people had ever encountered. So, I took up the challenge with a sincere heart and an open mind.
As I boarded the first of two planes, I thought about my options. I could maintain a quiet profile, yet my dress and appearance would hardly allow me to go unnoticed. I could feign an air of nonchalance, as if there was nothing unusual about my appearance, but I am also aware that psychological nonchalance can be misinterpreted as naiveté, condescension, or even haughtiness to strangers. I realized that my best choice was to act pleasant and to avoid drawing too much attention to myself.
When in public, I strive to display the three Rs: to be respectful, to be respectable, and earn the respect of others. The three Rs are applicable to Jews wherever we are, whether among other Jews or in societies where Jews are hardly seen. Greeting strangers with a pleasant “Good morning” or “Good afternoon,” saying “please” and “thank you,” holding a door open for someone else (common in some parts of the country, unheard of in others), and other courteous gestures are ways of being respectful and are universally-accepted modes of consideration for others.
The second R, respectable, means not drawing attention to oneself through inconsiderate behavior (i.e. avoiding negative attention). This entails not being demanding, argumentative, untidy, brash, confrontational, and also not being condescending toward others, whether or not they are strangers. Any one of these attitudes/behaviors are universally viewed by others as disrespectful.
The third R, respected, is also a challenge. On one hand, our Jewish ethic is to flee from “kavod” and any type of self-aggrandizement, and to project a sense of humility. On the other hand, Jews are entrusted with making a “Kiddush Hashem,” which means to always conduct ourselves in such a way that communicates that we maintain a higher ethic in our interpersonal dealings and our spiritual qualities. To be honest, fair, empathic, stable, and consistent will garner respect from most other people. To be hypocritical, deceitful, impulsive, dishonest, and evasive do not evoke respect almost anywhere you go.
As I prepared to leave, one of the staff who had interacted with me gave me what seemed like an impromptu blessing, saying that G-d should be with me on my journey. I blessed him similarly, after thanking him, and felt that I had succeeded to some degree on my 3R mission.
As I flew back home and reflected on my interactions with the people I encountered in the airport, the taxi, the hotel, and the office, I hoped that my appearance, demeanor, manners, and professional standards met the criteria of the three Rs. And I sincerely hope that whoever I interacted with was left with an uplifting and positive view of an Orthodox Jew. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email crisis@chailifeline.org. Learn more at www.chailifeline.org/crisis.
