DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
What’s the deal with “do-overs?” Do they work? Should they work? Or should people just take the hint the first time around and not push their luck?
When it comes to sealing the deal with one’s possible bashert, there are three separate defining moments when faced with the option of reconsidering their previous decision. Going from least complicated to the most serious scenario, consider the following:
Scenario One: You’ve started dating someone and actually went out a number of times. At some point, you or the other person decide that it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere and decide to end it. But after some time has passed and you’ve dated a few other people, you suddenly find yourself remembering the one who got away and may even start having a hard time remembering why exactly you guys decided to break it off. “Maybe,” you think “It’s worth another try.” And so, you do a bit of investigating to see if said individual is still available and whether there is any possibility of lighting a fire under the situation once again.
Scenario Two: This involves an engaged couple who start experiencing way too many disruptions in their relationship. Whether because they are fundamentally not well-suited for each other or maybe because the stress of being engaged, planning a wedding, both sets of parents not getting along, etc. weighs heavily on the couple and one or both of them decide to break it off. Time passes, regrets start surfacing, and they conclude that perhaps they were a bit too impulsive and one or both start questioning whether there is any reason to consider giving it another try.
Scenario Three: This is the rarest and most challenging scenario, when a couple divorces and finds themselves having second thoughts about their actions and wonder whether they could get back together. Again, this doesn’t happen very often, but it has happened.
If someone is of the mindset that where there’s smoke, there’s fire, then “do-overs” are the last thing they would ever contemplate. The thinking is that there must have been a good reason to run for cover in the first place. But there are definitely those people who believe in second chances, the power of repair, and learning from past mistakes. And there are those individuals who never say never. The door is never completely shut. Maybe, just maybe, there’s room for a readjustment, a new beginning.
Our couple of the week, Hesh and Brenda, fall into the second category. They were engaged for less than two months when the two of them agreed that they needed to quit before they got deeper into trouble. At the time, they both felt that their relationship was causing more pain than pleasure and that the smartest decision they could make was to peacefully shut it down. We will pick up their story with their first session.
He Said
Hesh is a charming twenty-six-year-old man in the early stages of his career as an attorney in Big Law. He’s sharp and smooth-talking. When I asked him why he called me to set up an appointment for himself and Brenda, he began to tell his story. “As I mentioned to you over the phone. Brenda and I were engaged close to two years ago. It was a hectic time in my life, looking for a job, studying for the bar, planning a wedding. I think back and it’s clear to me that I wasn’t living my best life at the time. I was stressed most of the time, not sleeping enough, and easily irritated.
“I know I wasn’t as patient as I should have been toward Brenda while we were engaged. Looking back, it’s clear to me now that I may have taken her for granted and I didn’t think enough about her feelings. We argued much of the time and I take a great deal of responsibility for that. Not all (he chuckled) but a lot of it.
“When Brenda returned her engagement ring and told me she was calling off the wedding, I wasn’t totally surprised and I remember feeling a little relieved at the time since I had so much on my plate. Despite the fact that I loved Brenda very much, it seemed as if the timing was working against us and maybe that was the right move.
“I focused on my career during the following year and then started dating again. I met some wonderful women, but no one could hold a candle to Brenda. I realized I made the biggest mistake of my life when I allowed her to slip through my fingers. As luck would have it, I literally bumped into her walking down Central Avenue one day. We stopped to chat for a few minutes and I immediately felt the magic. I realized that I would never meet anyone as wonderful as Brenda and I started trying to figure out how to get her back into my life again. And that’s basically why we’re here today.
“I’m not proud of the fact that I practically started stalking Brenda. Even when I first ran into her, I realized right away that she wasn’t married and asked her if she would go with me for a cup of coffee to catch up. Brenda was sweet and polite, but refused to go. I’ve called her a number of times to ask her out, but I guess I was being too aggressive because she started resenting my calls and told me that she’s not interested in rekindling our relationship. I know I need to respect her wishes, but I believe deeply in my heart that we have a real connection and that we could make it work this time around. I finally told Brenda that if she agreed to see a couples’ therapist with me, even just once and it went nowhere, I would stop calling her. So, here we are.”
She Said
Brenda is twenty-five, works as a physician assistant, and has a quiet confidence about her. Without any encouragement from me, Brenda began to talk. “As you can see, Hesh is quite aggressive. I can’t even believe that he figured out a way to get me to show up at your office today. I can’t tell you how many times I came so close to cancelling this appointment, but knew that coming here today was probably the only way I could get Hesh to stop calling me. So, here I am, but honestly, I feel like it’s probably a waste of time for all of us.
“When Hesh and I were engaged, it was a dark time in my life. Yes, dating Hesh was great. He was adventurous, funny, and romantic. But once we were engaged and had to deal with the pressures of planning a wedding, finding an apartment, and making important decisions for our future, he became argumentative. Frankly, we argued all the time. I know that Hesh was under a great deal of pressure regarding his future career, but what I think he doesn’t realize is that he has the need to always be right. The truth is that I like to be right sometimes too. We weren’t a good fit together. Though I admit that when things were relaxed between us, we did have a special bond. But those times were few and far between.
“Basically, the time we were engaged was not a happy time in my life. Many nights, I cried myself to sleep. At one point my mother sat me down and explained that it was obvious how unhappy I was and she wanted me to know that whatever I decided to do, she would support me. That I shouldn’t worry about her disapproval, feel any sense of shame or obligation, worry about any loss of money, nothing of the sort. None of it mattered to her. She told me it’s far easier to break an engagement than to get divorced, and that if I had any doubt about Hesh being the right guy for me, I shouldn’t hesitate to break the engagement. Well, that was all I needed to hear. Knowing that not only did I have my mother’s support, but my father’s as well, I was able to see clearly what I had to do. And the rest is history.
“Honestly, once I started dating again, I haven’t found it to be easy. I will admit that Hesh has some qualities that really appeal to me that I don’t find in many other young men. But it comes with too much drama. I don’t enjoy arguing. I don’t want to have to always be right, but I like to be right some of the times. And with Hesh, that’s not possible. So, as tempting as it might be to start dating Hesh again and see where it goes, I know in my heart that I would be looking for trouble. I have two friends who are already divorced after brief marriages, and I don’t want to end up another statistic.”
At this point, Brenda looked at Hesh, and with a sad smile on her face said, “So, that’s how I feel, and I don’t see myself or my attitude changing any time soon. I held up my side of the bargain and showed up today. I hope you will hold up your side as well and stop calling me.”
My Thoughts
There was a sense of sadness permeating the room because, despite the obvious issues that existed between Hesh and Brenda, it was obvious to me that there was also a bit of chemistry between them as well that neither could ignore or deny. But chemistry is not enough to hold a couple together and make a relationship work. I had to wonder whether things were as hopeless as they seemed to be at the moment.
I turned to Hesh and asked him whether he was prepared to honor his side of the deal. He replied, “As devastating as it is for me to say it, with sadness in my heart, I intend to be a gentleman and honor our agreement. The old Hesh would have kept arguing to get his way, but I believe I’ve matured enough to accept my loss, as difficult as it is.”
Was I noting some progress in the room? Did Brenda pick up on the change in Hesh? Was it staged or the real deal?
I decided to go out on a limb and made the following suggestion: “Well, it sounds as though you both have respectfully shown up as promised and will hopefully part as friends. I do wonder, however, whether you, Hesh, might be willing to continue with some individual therapy for a while to explore the accusations that Brenda made about you and whether you, Brenda, might consider, assuming you’re still available, joining us for a session every so often, to see whether Hesh has made any fundamental changes in his character that might be a game changer for you? I know it’s a lot for both of you to consider, and I certainly don’t want to put any pressure on either of you to accept my offer. After all, if you both left my office today with the story ending here and now, no one would have any reason to complain. But I thought it might be something worth considering.”
Hesh and shockingly, even Brenda, both agreed to give my suggestion some thought, and both seemed to leave my office looking as though a burden was temporarily lifted. I heard from Hesh the following day and we commenced doing great work together. I hadn’t heard from Brenda for several months. Then, one day, out of the blue, I received a message from Brenda asking if she could set up an appointment to come in by herself. Brenda felt she had a few issues of her own to work on before she would be ready to even consider sitting down with Hesh. For now, this is where the story stands. But stay tuned… n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
