Question
My husband and I are nearing 80, and we just celebrated our son’s 50th birthday. It was a beautiful surprise party for him, but it was also bittersweet since he has not yet found his bashert. Our big wish is for him to get married and have children, but the shadchanim nowadays and the people that make events are not making it possible for him because they censor ages. Whenever there is a singles’ event for people in their 30s or even 40s, they don’t let him join. He basically aged out of those events. The only places they let him in are the events that cater to women in their 50s and 60s. Isn’t my son entitled to have children too?
The shadchanim are not much better. They won’t set him up with a girl younger than 45, and he does not want to date a girl older than 39, because it’s really cutting close. When he complains to them, they ask him, “Why didn’t you get married when you were younger?” This is not the way it used to be back in the day. My son already gave up, but my husband and I haven’t. Can you please help us or give us advice about what to do?
Response
I agree that years ago, there was less targeting of age brackets at singles’ events. I remember when I first started organizing events over 40 years ago, the advertisements (for my events or others) listed only the place, date, time, price, and features of the event. Back then, there was no social media either, so singles would find out about events either by word of mouth or if they happened to be on the mailing list of the organizer. Consequently, the singles that attended those events were typically within the age bracket that the organizer or shadchan had in mind to begin with. Even when it happened that an older male attended an event where the women were much younger, the young ladies did not usually get so offended when an older man asked for their phone number. They would politely disengage from him if they weren’t interested, or they would walk away, amused that a man the same age as their father asked them out.
Nowadays, with social media, almost every event is visible and when ages are not targeted, it is assumed that everyone is welcome. From time to time, there are still such events. Even when an event has a targeted age, there are always a few older men that manage to get in. But here is what happens. Young ladies take extreme offense when an older man starts talking to them, and they will leave the event. I remember a recent incident where an older man somehow snuck into an event and asked for a young lady’s phone number, and she ran over to me in tears saying, “I am traumatized because that guy (she pointed to him) asked me for my phone number.” Surely, she was exaggerating. He didn’t say anything offensive to her, but the mere fact that he even asked her for her phone number was enough to ruin her evening.
It’s an immutable fact that most women don’t want to attend an event with older men the same way that most men don’t want to attend an event with older women. Moreover, if an organizer deliberately allows older men to attend an event, it places him or her in the position of false advertising. It has gotten to the point where organizers of events no longer list the address of the location to avoid having to turn away men or bear the brunt of women protesting. I realize this is what you’re complaining about, and please understand I’m not trying to minimize your son’s pain and your frustration, but young ladies between the ages of 30 to 40 who register for events that specify those ages feel scammed when they attend an event where older men turn up.
Women are in different financial and professional situations today than in years past. Years ago, a woman would marry a man significantly older if he could provide basic sustenance. Not so anymore, with women earning the same or higher salaries, and being just as educated (or more) as men, they insist on dating people whom they consider their equal, and that includes age too. I don’t think that in every case it is the shadchan who refuses to introduce your son to a young lady in the age group he prefers. Let us please agree on one thing: a shadchan wants to make a shidduch. That is how the success of a shadchan is viewed by the public: by the amount of shidduchim they make. If a shadchan’s clientele of women refuses to date men who are much older, in all honesty, what can he or she possibly do? Years ago, there were some shadchanim who were known to lie on behalf of a male client and misrepresent his age. That doesn’t work so much anymore because ages of people are now discoverable.
As I mentioned, there are still events where no particular age category is targeted, but what has not changed much in years past is that though we don’t have the Catskill hotels of yesteryear, there are still holiday programs at hotels that are open to anyone who registers. In other words, your son is not exempt from those events. Even if it happens that there are age-targeted activities taking place there, there are still opportunities where your son can feel free to talk to a young lady directly. Whether or not she will be amenable to talk to him or go on a date, that is up to her in the same way that your son has a right to not be interested in somebody too.
What I do find offensive is when a shadchan has the temerity to ask: “Why didn’t you get married when you were younger?” I cannot find any reason to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when they deliberately ask something so painful. You do not indicate why your son has remained unmarried all these years, and I have no doubt that if he had any way of re-writing history, things would be different. Nevertheless, it is not the business of a matchmaker to be so indelicate regarding a touchy subject. The matchmaker’s job is to make matches, which does not include the privilege of being judgmental.
So, where does your son go from here? I can understand that he feels like giving up. That is a natural consequence of rejection. Nobody can withstand being hurt over and over. It’s okay if your son takes a bit of a breather for himself. In fact, it would be a good idea for him to do so. He could use that time to ponder and self-introspect to discover where he is hitting a roadblock and why. Though I am certain that there are other requirements that your son is looking for in a spouse, you did mention his desire to have children. You asked, “Isn’t my son entitled to have children too?” My answer is that he is one hundred percent absolutely entitled to have children. Not only that, but he is obligated to fulfill the mitzvah of pru urvu.
When a person is traveling to a destination and there are obstructions along the way due to traffic, accidents, or construction, he will typically be rerouted to get to his destination. You will never see a driver pull to the side of the road and declare he refuses to proceed on his journey because he can’t drive on his original route. That would be foolish and it would accomplish nothing. Instead, the driver will go on whatever route necessary to get to his intended destination. It might take a bit longer, but ultimately, he will reach his goal.
If the main focus of your son’s search for his bashert is to have children and he finds that he is not having luck in that regard, the first thing he needs to do is, as I stated, attend singles’ events that are open to everyone. The young ladies who attend such venues might be more open-minded than those that attend only age-specified events. In addition, it would be advisable that he speak to savvy matchmakers that do not deal with mostly younger singles. Here is why. You might not be familiar with it, but nowadays women are freezing their eggs. It has become so commonplace that some even volunteer this information with a matchmaker. Additionally, even for those who have not frozen their eggs, there is so much more available today in terms of fertility advancements that make it possible to have children at an older age. Of course, we can never take it for granted that science is the golden answer to everything since we understand that Hashem is the One that can make anything happen. We are approaching the holiday of Chanukah, and we know from the miracles we celebrate that nothing is too difficult for Him. May you and your husband have a long and healthy life together, and may you both celebrate the simcha of your son becoming a chassan, b’korov. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
