DATING FORUM

Question

I never thought the day would come when I would need to write for advice since I’m the person everyone goes to when they have a problem. I was dating a girl and she was great: beautiful, great figure, amazing personality—the whole package. We really enjoyed each other’s company. One evening, while we were on a date and it was time for dessert, I commented to her that she can afford to order whatever she wanted since she was so thin and calories didn’t seem to matter to her. She then told me she was on Ozempic and lost a lot of weight. I kind of freaked out because I know people who went on Ozempic and lost a lot of weight, but when they stopped taking the drug, it all came back and, in some cases, the person weighs more now after they stopped taking it than before they started it.

When I came home from the date, I called a few of her friends to see if they had any old pictures of her, and I saw she was much heavier back then. In a panic, I broke up with her without telling her or the shadchanthe real reason because I don’t want to be judged. As a guy, I take care of myself by exercising and eating only healthy foods, as do all the members of my family.

Guys I talk to notice that after they reach a certain age, girls just eat their way through dating and then wonder why guys are not interested in them. It’s not just about how they look, but obesity also comes with health problems. She’s not the first girl I rejected due to weight, but she’s the first girl I know of who disclosed to me that she’s on Ozempic. I would have been happier knowing that she used to be heavy but started a healthy lifestyle of dieting and exercise, and maybe I would not have freaked out the way I did. Still, I don’t think I want to marry a girl who has the genetic propensity for being overweight. What do you suggest I do in the future when I meet or am redt to a girl who is thin? Would it be a good idea for me to straight out ask if she used to be heavy? Shadchanim are already giving me a hard time when I say no to somebody who they think is thin, but I think is fat.

Response

Weight is subjective, as is height. Just as a man might reject a young lady because he thinks she’s not thin enough, a woman might reject a man because she thinks he’s too short. There are women who reject men based on what they consider overweight, and there are men who reject a woman who is either not tall enough or too tall based on their opinion. There are people who reject others for matters that others find trivial, such as hair color or facial features, or any number of reasons that might make them feel turned off. In my opinion, based on what I have observed, people tend to find attractive that which they are accustomed to, particularly within their own family. As you stated, you and members of your family make the effort to eat healthy and exercise and seeing other people who don’t is a turn off to you. If that is how you feel, then for sure a young lady who does not meet your approval on attractiveness is not for you, regardless of whatever someone tells you, your feelings will remain status quo. Moreover, if a young lady has the propensity toward being overweight, that will also impact your choice to decline her for a date.

You are correct that when you express your feelings about what you find attractive or unattractive, that some people will say you are being judgmental, and may even go so far as to accuse you of not being serious about getting married. That is human nature. And something you will have to deal with while trying to find a shidduch. I must add that there are plenty of cases where a young lady starts off thin, but as the years go by, with childbirth and other factors, she gains weight and becomes much heavier. What would you do then? Who can possibly guarantee you that the girl you marry today will not gain a few too many pounds down the road? I am directing this question to you because it is based on what happened with the young lady that you were in a relationship with. In your own words, you stated that you were “dating a girl and she was great: beautiful, great figure, amazing personality.” You even added that “we really enjoyed each other’s company.” Had she not mentioned that she was on the weight loss drug Ozempic, it sounds like this relationship could have led to marriage.

You “freaked out” because you know or heard of cases where people who had been on weight loss drugs regained the weight and sometimes even more than their starting point. That is very telling that there is a strong possibility that you would freak out or panic if your wife after years of marriage gained weight, and for whatever reason, might not be able to lose it. Even more concerning is that you went to the trouble of contacting her friends to locate old photos of her to forward to you. That they even obliged your request is quite disturbing to me; nevertheless, this fixation with marrying a thin girl is something you can’t hide nor should you. In your case, not only should you find out before you date a young lady and waste her time if she is on any weight loss program, but she has the right to know how you feel about such matters, so that she can make an educated decision about dating or rejecting you.

Most shidduch suggestions are declined due to lack of physical attraction. That is something that has always been prevalent. We are seeing more of this today since the advent of pictures accompanying shidduch résumés. Pictures are causing major problems because even when somebody agrees to go out with a person whose photo they like, they already have an illustration in their mind, and anything that offsets that image becomes a cause for rejection. In fact, there are many cases when a guy initially liked the picture of a young lady only to meet her in person and think she looks different. Had he not seen her picture to begin with, perhaps he would have given her a chance to get to know her. Because, sometimes even when a person is not initially attracted to another, after dating for a while, they find redeeming qualities and grow fond of a person. I won’t even go into details of how singles frequently get rejected based on a picture due to not being photogenic, or because the photo was taken in bad lighting or improper positioning that did not do justice to the subject.

You admitted to declining shidduchim of young ladies being suggested to you based on your opinion about their weight. You initially went out on a date with the young lady you broke up with, likely because you appreciated the way she looked in the picture. Then you freaked out when she disclosed to you that she was on Ozempic. After further research you determined that she had previously been heavy, you broke up with her.

I have stated this before more than once: a shidduch is a personal decision. What one finds attractive, another may not and it should be respected. There are shadchanim who will try to convince a person to date and marry someone they do not find attractive. When I encounter such a situation, I back off unless I feel the picture does not do the subject being photographed justice. In such a case, I try to get a better picture of the subject, but if that is not possible, I tell them both to move on. If someone is seriously not attracted to a person, it’s to no one’s benefit that they date. And they certainly should not get married.

I sincerely hope you can work on acquiring a greater appreciation for different types of appearances to broaden your options of finding a shidduch. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].