DATING FORUM

Question

My wife and I have decided to divorce after over 30 years of marriage. In a lot of ways, it has felt like a long time coming. We tried therapy for a while, to no avail. Although our kids were caught off guard when we told them the news, they are all grown up and married with their own families, so it will not impact them in any major way. The most commonly asked question is: “Why now?” And I still don’t have a good answer other than, “Perhaps she’s looking for more excitement, more spontaneity, or someone who can give her more than I can offer.” While not a wealthy man, I make a modest living and never really felt like anything was lacking. Or so I thought. I guess it took a while, but things finally ran their course. I’m hopeful it’s for the best and already have friends from the community offering to set me up.

The good news is that we do get along quite well and we’re still living together until we can sell the house. Last week we even went to a grandchild’s birthday party and drove together, upon her insistence. While things ultimately didn’t work out, we will always have love and respect for each other and be proud of the family we raised together. While I’m not worried about things getting ugly, I have a feeling of concern and confusion about where to go from here. Starting over in my 60s after being married for so long feels odd, as does the idea of introducing someone else to my children. I was just wondering what advice you could give to someone like me who is navigating the dating scene at a later stage of life.

Response

The frum society is unfortunately seeing a tremendous increase in middle-aged and older divorces. In fact, there is even a term “gray divorce” for people in their 60s who choose to end their marriage. Most of the time gray divorces are not based on a mutual decision, but because one spouse wants out of the marriage and the other reluctantly goes along with it. What I’m finding to be the reason in most cases is that one partner is seeking more excitement. As you stated, your ex-wife is looking for “more excitement, more spontaneity, or just someone who can give her more than I can offer.”

You mention that you are not a wealthy man, and perhaps your ex-wife is falsely assuming that some wealthy man is going to sweep her off her feet, wine and dine her, and romantically get down on one knee and beg for her hand in marriage.

I truly wish your ex-wife had reached out to me before she contemplated divorce because no matter how she thinks her life will turn out, it will most likely be the opposite. In my experience, and I’m sure other matchmakers will agree, wealthy elderly gentlemen are seeking younger women for marriage, and that’s if they’re even serious about marriage. More importantly, they are not looking to share their wealth with anyone regardless of how young the lady is. The fact is, an older gentleman, whether divorced or widowed, most likely has children whom he will protect via a trust or prenuptial agreement, and his new spouse will never be able to get her hands on anything. If the man has no children or was never married, his relatives will have already put their dibs on his assets. If the real reason your ex-wife divorced you is to seek excitement, the only excitement she will most likely get is in the form of aggravation and regret. 

Regarding your situation, there is much to worry about there too. You say that friends from your community are offering to set you up and I have no doubt you will be bombarded with suggestions. Here is an interesting twist: ladies who are looking to get remarried at this point do so for security and companionship. You say that you earn a modest living. In today’s day and age, women may not feel that you can provide enough security, and in terms of companionship, many at this stage of the game typically want to travel and enjoy other recreational activities that require much funding to upkeep. There are wonderful, sincere men in their 60s, just as you describe yourself, yet they endure much rejection for this reason. I know you didn’t ask me about reconciling with your ex-wife, and I don’t know if you are even halachically permitted to remarry her, but your divorce sounds like it wasn’t well thought out. What’s done is done, and I will address your questions regarding navigating the dating scene at this stage in your life, given all that you have shared with me. 

You are going to meet women that have been divorced for many years for reasons different from yours: abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc. You will also meet women who are part of the “gray divorce” crowd. Most will not admit to ending their marriage due to seeking thrills, but will say that once they became “empty nesters,” that they had grown apart from their spouse and the spark they once felt is no longer there. Others will say there were financial disputes that strained the relationship, leading to divorce. The one thing they have in common is that they desire a happier life and will only remarry if that is a possibility; otherwise, they will remain single. 

There are many widowed women, but personally, I’m not a fan of marriage between a divorced man and widowed woman. Now, I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak from couples who are happily remarried in such unions, and I’m not saying that it’s impossible for such a marriage to work, but by and large, previous dynamics in the marital relationship, unresolved issues with their previous spouse, and the blending of families can be problematic. All these reasons and much more (that would require its own article) can impact dating and marital success. 

Here is what I recommend. The first thing you need to do is heal by focusing on your personal growth. Enduring the fracture of your marriage after 30 years must have devastated you, which undoubtedly affected your self-confidence. Try to embrace some new hobbies and activities that you can enjoy, particularly those that benefit your physical and emotional health. Join groups of interest and volunteer for causes that have meaning for you. Put yourself out there in terms of dating apps, where you have more control over who you decline and accept in terms of a dating partner.

It is very important that you determine what type of woman would work with where you are holding in life. And by this I means personality, hashkafa, family dynamics, etc. The advantage in dating after 60 is that you feel less pressure than a young person to get married and start a family. For you, it is about finding companionship and happiness. I will caution you to please focus on a woman’s character versus looks to avoid pitfalls that in the long run are insignificant. I will take this opportunity to share a letter I received in regard to last week’s article in which a young man rejected a young lady he was dating because he found out she was taking the weight loss drug, Ozempic, and he feared that once she stopped taking it, her weight will return to where it was before, and might even get worse, especially after he received pictures of her from before Ozempic. With all you’ve been through, you might want to consider that beauty is, after all, only skin deep.

Dear Editor, 

I would like to respond to Baila Sebrow’s recent column with a most appropriate poem. It was written in my autograph book 60 years ago by a staff member at Camp Naarah. Somehow, it moved me so much that I memorized it and have since shared it many times over the years:

Look not for beauty nor paleness of skin,

Nor a figure so svelte and thin*

But look for a heart that is warm within

For beauty will fade,

White skin will grow old,

But a heart that is warm will never grow cold. 

I did take the liberty of adding a line, in keeping with the theme and relevant to the discussion at hand. Kudos to my dear friend, Baila Sebrow. Her responses are always on target. Yashar koach to Baila for investing so much energy and effort to help build new couples and families. May your efforts, dear Baila, be consistently fruitful!

Wishing all a new year filled with blessings for Acheinu Bais Yisrael! May we always have reason to celebrate! Ksiva v’Chasima Tovah!

Miriam Liebermann 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].